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Rock Me Baby (TV series) Quotes

Rock Me Baby is a television program that was first aired in 2003 on UPN. Rock Me Baby completed its run in 2004.

Rock Me Baby aired for 1 seasons and 22 episodes. Rock Me Baby is created by Tim Kelleher (actor).

Rock Me Baby is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Rock Me Baby is 30 minutes long. Rock Me Baby is produced by Flame Television.

The cast includes: Dan Cortese as Jimmy, Bianca Kajlich as Beth, Carl Anthony Payne II as Carl, and Tammy Townsend as Pam.

Rock Me Baby Quotes

Bianca Kajlich as Beth

  • (Bianca Kajlich) "-- we didn't have sex on our anniversary."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Really? Well, even I had sex on your anniversary."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "It's just like Thanksgiving."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yeah well, it would be if my grandpa were here, all drunk, talking about "those dang homosectionals"."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "You'll find another job."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Beth, once you've blown chunks in a chopper, there's not a lot of places to go."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Oh, look at this crib and it's 25% off."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Hey, why don't they make these things for adults? So many places to attach handcuffs."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Pam, could you clean up your act? We are in a baby store."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "I know. How come they have to make everything in here so sexual?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "You know how Ben and J-Lo are called "Ben-nifer"? Maybe we could name Pam and Carl "Ca-Pam"."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Is this the most retarded argument we've ever had?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "No, that would be the time that we argued about whether or not Batman and Robin are gay."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "They totally are."
  • (Dan Cortese) "You know what? I don't even wanna go there again."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "We could have a dinner party. Like, with real grownup conversation and we could finally use our crystal and china and linen napkins. And we'll make a gourmet meal --"
  • (Dan Cortese) "And Jello shots."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Yes."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "You know, it's like she's avoiding Otis on purpose, like he's the baby equivalent of jury duty."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "You're weak. You're a nobody. You're nothing."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "What are you doing?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Breaking ya down so we can build you back up."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Alright, fine. But when you build me back up, can you add a few inches to my bust line?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I'm not angry."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Damn. I was hopin' for make-up-sex."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Otis has a runny nose."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Is it green or clear? Oh God. You know, I can't believe how much we talk about this boy's bodily fluids. It's like he's a tiny Bill Clinton."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I'm a terrible mother."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "See, that's why I take the pill twice a day. I'm goin to take a bonus one right now."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Grandma, have you been drinking?"
  • (Unnamed) "Of course not. You know I never I never hit the sauce when I'm on duty."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Well then who's been drinking this whiskey?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, that. I gave it to Otis."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Now do you remember when you started flirting?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Yes. I was five. Little Timmy Johnson had this toy truck. I didn't want the truck, but I wanted him to give me the truck. So I batted my eyes and I told him how fine he looked in that sandbox. Well the next thing you know, I had his truck, all his action figures and the keys to his big wheel. From then on I was hooked."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "There's a freezer full of ice to rub on Otis's gums if he gets fussy from the teething."
  • (Unnamed) "Ice, gotcha, cause that'll come in handy if he wants something on the rocks."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "It's no problem."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Okay, alright. I'm gonna agree with you because history shows that's my best chance for some sweet, sweet lovin."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "What happened to your finger?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Ah, I hurt it playin' with Carl."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Did he pull too hard?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I mean, I know he's just a baby but do you think maybe sometimes he cries just to piss us off?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Of course. Do you think it's an accident that he cries every time we try to have sex?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "So you're sure you're okay with me sticking my nose in your business?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love that -- Oh, you mean business business."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "So what do you guys think? This place has the best sushi in Denver."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah, it's nice -- But at Red Lobster they cook the fish. I know it takes a little more time, but I think it's worth the effort."
  • (Unnamed) "Ah, I lost something, Beth. I'm gonna go out and try to find it."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "My will to live."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Look at these teeny tiny little sneakers. Oh, and this tiny little hat. Oh, how come teeny tiny things are always so cute?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "They're not all cute. Some of them are just inadequate."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Oh, shoot. I forgot to tell them that they're both lactose intolerant. You know, that's the kind of mutual struggle that brings people together."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Did you sleep with any hookers or kill anyone?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Oh, you got me. I slept with a hooker and then I killed her. And just for fun, I kicked a puppy."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "He uses my body for nine months like it's an all-you-can-eat salad bar at Sizzler and his first word is "Da-Da"."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Well maybe he wasn't saying "Da-Da". Maybe he was lookin at me and sayin, "D- damn, Pam's fine"."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I've got a surprise for you."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Oh no. No, last time you said that you had just finished peeing on a stick."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm a dancer."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Oooh, what kind of dance?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, I have a degree from the University of Arizona in modern dance and jazz, but now mostly I do lap."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "How could you dump her? She's perfect."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Hey, you're the one that wanted to come here."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Okay, the correct answer was, "No, she's not.""
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Ca-Pam had to cancel. She's got a stomach virus."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Oh, man, I hope I don't get it. You know, I think I saw her lick her fingers before she grabbed my testicles -- Sheep testicles. It's a Moroccan dish. Goes great with cow brains."
  • (Unnamed) "And you think whiskey on the gums is peculiar?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "We need parent friends. If we had friends with babies, we'd know how they do it."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Honey, I know how they do it. Same as we did; busted condom."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "This is just my "I had no idea you were gay" look."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I am not jealous."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yes, you are. Cause that's the same look I get when I watch you eating a popsicle."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I'm sorry, you just didn't seem -- the type."
  • (Unnamed) "Why, because I don't have six-pack abs? You know, pudgy guys like having sex with men too."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Oh come on, Otis, it's strained peas and squash. How can you not like this?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Four words: "strained peas and squash"."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Have you ever flirted while you were alone?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Well, once in a while I look in the mirror -- Well it's not my fault. I'm cute, dammit."

Dan Cortese as Jimmy

  • (Dan Cortese) "Look, honey, when his show first came to Denver, instead of calling me "Jimmy Cox", he called me "Jimmy No Cox". Alright, I've been trying to come up with a nickname for him for years."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "How 'bout Danny Bonadouchebag?"
  • (Unnamed) "And I'm here to kick off our annual radio-a-thon for charity where we give our listeners a chance to help some needy people."
  • (Dan Cortese) "That's right. This man hasn't had a date in over two years."
  • (Dan Cortese) "I think we finally settled that debate over who your daddy is once and for all."
  • (Dan Cortese) "It's been ten weeks since Otis was born and you combine that with the last nine weeks of pregnancy and we haven't done it in almost five months. I miss it in there."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I know, it's just -- Well, last time it was in there for nine months and it kinda trashed the place."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Okay, fair enough. Any other vacancies in the building?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Not all child stars go bad. The kids from The Cosby Show turned out okay."
  • (Dan Cortese) "If I have to clip one more coupon I'm gonna slit my wrists. Oh, that reminds me, I have a coupon for Band-Aids."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yes. We are playing catch just like I did with my dad. Only this is better because I'm not calling Otis a spazz and yelling that he better stop crying or I'll give him something to cry about."
  • (Dan Cortese) "All gay guys are cool."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Hey, I thought all black guys were cool."
  • (Dan Cortese) "No, not since the eighties. Urkel screwed that up for you."
  • (Dan Cortese) "What are you two doing in bed together?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Pam spent the night. We were having a girls night."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Define "girls night"."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "It's not what you're thinking."
  • (Dan Cortese) "So you guys aren't gonna put on nurses uniforms and have a pillow fight on a trampoline?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "No, we did that earlier -- just after we washed cars in our bikinis in slow-motion."
  • (Unnamed) "Can I bring a date?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Uh, well, you may bring a date, but the question is can you? Not your mother."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yeah, I want Beth to be taken care of but, you know, I don't wanna give her too much incentive to have me whacked."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Man, for a million dollars, I'd whack ya."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Okay, when you say "whack", you mean "kill", right?"
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Either way."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, look, I know that my child rearing tactics must seem a little outmoded to you, with your car seats and your fancy, non-rectal thermometers, but I helped raise you and you turned out okay, Jimmy."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yeah, but who knows what my potential would've been if I hadn't been dropped, drugged and probed."
  • (Dan Cortese) "I want you to go and I will watch little Otie woatie toadie bodie."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Well it's official. You got no nads."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Smell my breath. Does it smell like pot?"
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "No. Smells like feet and ass."
  • (Unnamed) "Here, I've got some minty breath spray. My breath smells like ass too, but not the good kind."
  • (Dan Cortese) "I'm pathetic? You own a blowup doll."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Hey, I told you it's not a blowup doll. It's an action figure."
  • (Dan Cortese) "So, you seen any action lately?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Poor guy, he could use a makeover. Little Queer Eye for the Pinkeye."
  • (Unnamed) "You know what it means when a morning D.J. yawns on the air?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yeah, he's tired."
  • (Unnamed) "No, he's dead. The only thing that makes people change their stations faster is four in a row by Kenny G."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Listen, I'd love to stay here and chat but I know you've got that multi-colored schoolbus to catch, so --"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, a Partridge Family joke. How fresh."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Before your wife has the baby she is a sex machine. Okay, after the baby is born, the ol' sex machine shuts down for a while and, uh -- Well, you gotta use the hand crank."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Okay, I'm gonna share a painful memory from my childhood."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Oh, is this about when your mother found you "discovering yourself?""
  • (Dan Cortese) "Thank you for making this such a safe environment in which to share."
  • (Dan Cortese) "You know somethin', Carl? The times, they are a-changin'."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Mmm, that's hard to believe when you're quoting a forty year old song."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Goodness, how are you guys?"
  • (Unnamed) "So tired I'm about to lose incontinence -- You can relax, the day I don't make that joke is the day you have to worry."
  • (Dan Cortese) "There probably are a lot of jobs that are tougher than being a mom. What about those guys that have to clean out the port-o-johns from outdoor rock concerts?"
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "I've been in those things. I don't think that job exists."
  • (Unnamed) "I love Assies. You do know that it's a gay sports bar, right?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "No, really? So the waitresses are --"
  • (Unnamed) "Waiters."
  • (Dan Cortese) "And the assies are --"
  • (Unnamed) "To die for."
  • (Dan Cortese) "I'll take care of him until midnight, even though I get up at four, if you just take one for the team."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Take one for the team?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yeah. Yeah, you know, like when a baseball player gets hit by a pitch on purpose. It doesn't feel good but you do it for the team."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Dude, being a dad changes you. I mean, every time I look down at this little guy I realize that he needs me to take care of him. I've never loved anything so much."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Wow, sounds like being a dad changes you; into a woman."
  • (Dan Cortese) "You're better at diapers than me. You get to all the nooks and crannies. The kid's like an English muffin down there."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Thanks a lot, Otis. You know, when you're 18 and about to get some, I'm gonna pee on you."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Well, uh, I don't like to brag but I was voted Best Dancer in high school. It was prob'ly cause I had a seizure at the prom. Yeah, turns out I'm allergic to shrimp."
  • (Dan Cortese) "I mean, what, you don't get bed head like this from just sleepin' on it, right?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Honey, look, you've already checked on him six times tonight."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "I just wanna make sure he's okay."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Okay. Okay, maybe you should. 'Cause he's probably climbed out of his crib, crawled down the block and reached the Things That Can Lodge in Your Throat store."
  • (Dan Cortese) "It has nothing to do with your age, all right? Look, I mean Dick Clark is like a thousand."
  • (Unnamed) "Yo, man, obviously you don't know how to deal with the ladies."
  • (Dan Cortese) "This coming from a man who sings a song called "Pop That Booty"."
  • (Dan Cortese) "I thought we were done fighting."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "No, I walked into the bedroom. You were supposed to follow me --"
  • (Dan Cortese) "I'm sorry but when an angry bear walks away, you don't follow it."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Oh my God. I like having sex with women but I'm gay, aren't I?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, and you don't have to worry because I'm a nurse in a pediatric unit."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Oh, well then you two have a lot in common because a lot of women have told Carl he has a pediatric unit."
  • (Unnamed) "I told you, there's no room for kids in morning radio. They make you lose your edge. That's why I never had kids."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Really? I thought it was because no one would do you -- I'm sorry -- I mean for free."
  • (Dan Cortese) "You gave Otis whiskey?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, that's alright. I didn't let him drive."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Don't you ever fantasize about someone else when you're makin love to me?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "No."
  • (Dan Cortese) "I see. Clearly I did not know that or I would not have asked the question."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Dude, you just drank breast milk. That's Beth."
  • (Unnamed) "Got Beth?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Just because Otis has a little sniffle, we can't let it ruin our evening. That's what we have Kevin for."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Carl, we're gonna be spending at least two nights on that rooftop doing this charity radio-thon. Man, you're gonna need a heavy jacket and I know I would appreciate it if you brought a change a underwear."
  • (Dan Cortese) "All I'm a dad. I can't be doing drugs anymore."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Apparently you don't watch The Osbournes."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Alright, since your parents are coming, I did the standard pre-parent sweep. Which means if you're looking for your "neck massager", it's under the bed."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Aren't you excited?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "No. Doesn't work on my "neck"."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Grandma, you dipped Otis's pacifier in alcohol?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, and then he had some formula as a chaser."
  • (Dan Cortese) "It's time we start acting like grownups -- but I'm still watching Spongebob."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Yeah, the wife meeting the old girlfriend, isn't that in The Bad Idea Hall of Fame?"
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "It's right up there next to mesh condoms."

Carl Anthony Payne II as Carl

  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Jimmy was just telling me he's gonna get some life insurance. Kind of a Ward Cleaver thing to do, isn't it, Jimmy?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Well, Carl, it is my job to protect the Beaver."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "You over here talkin' about me? Cause my ears are burnin."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Must be the Aqua Velva."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "How do you like your steak?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Like I like my Childhood Mutism; very rare."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "As Johnny Cochrane would say, "If you take a hit, you must omit.""
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "So is this the place you hung out when you used to dress like Boy George?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "That was once, alright, for a Halloween party. And I'd appreciate it if you would take the picture off of your screensaver."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "It's time for us to take a break here on The Core, so if you're in your car, take a minute and pick your nose and pretend no one can see ya."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Man, I hate it when strippers talk about their kids."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Hey, you; you have a webcam in your bedroom?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Yeah, I call it the Hot Pam Cam -- dot org -- dot gasm."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "How much beer did we drink?"
  • (Dan Cortese) "Is my hand on your ass?"
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Yes."
  • (Dan Cortese) "Too much."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "I wake up this morning with my eye glued to my pillow because you and Beth chose not to inform us that Otis was the host-monkey."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Well, we define commitment differently, y'know. I call her "my girlfriend", she calls me "Carl"."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "That's just great. Great. Seven hour car ride with a baby. Pop in a John Tesh CD and I'm in Hell."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Does everybody in Morocco eat with their hands or did this place run out of silverware?"
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "You took your baby to a cop movie? That's like taking your mother to a porno."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Hey, I found this new sports bar where we can watch the game. It's kinda like Hooters only it's for butts. It's called Assies."

Tammy Townsend as Pam

  • (Tammy Townsend) "I don't like comin' over here when you and Jimmy are fighting. The tension's bad for my digestion. I'll have to start eating my meals at home. I'll still be getting 'em here, I'll just be taking them home."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "You think Otis is gonna wake up with all this noise in here?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Oh, not a chance. He'll save that for the exact moment I fall asleep tonight."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Who's ready to shop? Because there are some clothes out there that are dying to try me on."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Can you see my nipples in this picture?"
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Nope. No nippage."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Damn. I gotta get these reshot. It's for the cover of my demo CD and the title is "Caught in the Headlights.""
  • (Tammy Townsend) "If I wanted to be watched all the time, I'd reconnect the webcam in my bedroom."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Besides, there is nothing sexier than stripping in front of a bunch of strangers. Or people you know. Ah, hell, I guess the key here is just getting naked."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Okay, so you sent him to interview Jessica Alba with explicit instructions not to mention his wife? Good move, Beth."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "I don't date guys like him unless they're rich and in very poor health."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Oooohh, that woman is hot. You know, I don't swing that way, but if I did -- Mmmmmm, Jessica Alba."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Babies, football and Carl. Who knew they served quiche in Hell?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "He's not my boyfriend."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Oh, really? Don't you date him? Accept gifts from him? Sleep with him every night?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Yes."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Well then what does that make him?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Lucky."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "I often forget guys that annoy me. I call it Pamnesia."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "It's me, Pam. Open the door, it's an emergency."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "What's a matter?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "I'm hungry."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "What? You touch my butt once and you come back for seconds?"
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "Did he grab your butt? Cause he grabbed mine earlier. What's up with you and black booty?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Boy, look at these misfits. This place looks like a 7-11 after midnight."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "I'll stay here with Otie. You two go."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "Pam, I can't leave you with a sick baby."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "I know, but I had to pretend to offer."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Carl, the way they're staring at us to see if we'll hook up, it's -- it's like we're on Elimidate."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Well, hello, my name's Pam. But my stripper name is Pam -- demonium. And I'm here because I got the package; I just wanna learn how to deliver it."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Guys are always askin, "How many guys have you been with before me? Be honest." And then you tell em 28 and suddenly they start lookin at you different."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "28?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Imagine if I'd told the truth."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "You know, you're not that bad when you're looking me in the eyes and not the sweater."
  • (Carl Anthony Payne II) "You know what? I'm glad you brought that up cause I gotta know. Are they real or, uh, contacts?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Oh, they're definitely real. My vision is 36, 24, 36."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "Beth, you're the boss and as the boss, it's your job to make him think that he's the boss."
  • (Bianca Kajlich) "What the hell are you talking about?"
  • (Tammy Townsend) "I don't know. I saw it on "Who's the Boss?"."
  • (Tammy Townsend) "When you have a dinner party, I'm there -- even though I know Carl's gonna be staring like it's his birthday and my ass is the cake."

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