Problem Child (film) Quotes

Problem Child (film) is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . Problem Child stopped airing in 1970.

It features Robert Simonds as producer, Miles Goodman in charge of musical score, and Peter Lyons Collister as head of cinematography.

Each episode of Problem Child (film) is 81 minutes long. Problem Child (film) is distributed by Universal Studios.

The cast includes: Gilbert Gottfried as Mr. Peabody, Michael Richards as Martin Beck, Michael Oliver as Junior, Michael Richards as Martin, Amy Yasbeck as Flo Healy, and Jack Warden as Big Ben Healy.

Problem Child (film) Quotes

Michael Oliver as Junior

• (Michael Oliver) "Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, maybe people will think I know what I'm talking about."

• (Michael Oliver) "I was just kidding. Oh no. Not the nuns. Not the nuns."

• (Little Ben Healy) "This is nature, huh? The trees. The forests."
• (Michael Oliver) "The toilets."

• (Michael Oliver) "Neat, look what I found."
• (Little Ben Healy) "Hey that's Roy's, give me that."
• (Michael Oliver) "Why? You can't drive and shoot at the same time."
• (Little Ben Healy) "What do we do?"
• (Michael Oliver) "I've got an idea."
• (Michael Oliver) "Shoot out his tires, Dad."

• (Michael Oliver) "I'm sorry Mr. Healy, please don't spank me."
• (Little Ben Healy) "Well I'll have to punish you somehow. I'm taking back you're allowance."
• (Michael Oliver) "The whole buck?"
• (Little Ben Healy) "Yes go get it."
• (Michael Oliver) "I wonder if he's got change for a twenty?"

• (Michael Oliver) "I bet you've never been camping before. It's so much fun. There's singing, marshmallows, and all sorts of stupid humans to scare."

• (Michael Oliver) "You ever seen a grown man wear so much blue?"

• (Michael Oliver) "Hey, Martin. Let's go see the bearded lady."
• (Michael Richards) "No, I've seen too many of them in prison."

• (Michael Oliver) "Oh so you wanna play rough huh?"

• (Michael Oliver) "Nice night to be born. Apparently my birth is not considered a blessed event; that's me in the basket, and that's my mother carrying me."
• (Michael Oliver) "And that's my mother running away."

• (Michael Oliver) "Hahahahahaha."
• (Gilbert Gottfried) "What's so funny?"
• (Michael Oliver) "You are you stupid dick."

• (Mother Superior) "You see Mr. Peabody the child is incorrigible."
• (Michael Oliver) "I'm what? Why don't you speak English lady?"

• (Mother Superior) "Junior. What is taking you so long? We start serving dinner in 20 minutes."
• (Michael Oliver) "I only got two hands."
• (Mother Superior) "And I want these pots so shiny that I can see my face in them."
• (Michael Oliver) "This one kind of looks like you."

• (Michael Oliver) "Some people never learn."

• (Michael Oliver) "I love the smell of spilled milk in the morning. It smells like victory."

Amy Yasbeck as Flo Healy

• (Amy Yasbeck) "You mean we've been doing "it" every night, for nothing?"

• (Little Ben Healy) "But don't you see? We're doing what everybody else has done to him, I mean it's easy to give up on a child."
• (Amy Yasbeck) "Damn straight it is."
• (Little Ben Healy) "But isn't that what's wrong with the world today? People are just looking for the easy way out, like their problems are gonna go away?Problems just don't go, Flo. You know? So the question here is; what are we going to do with our little problem child? I'll tell you what we are going to do. Something that no parent has ever done for him before. We're gonna love him, Flo."
• (Little Ben Healy) "Oh yes, We'll love him when he's bad, we'll love him even more when he gets worse, then one day he's gonna crack and say, "Hey, these people really do love me. They ain't gonna quit on me. I don't have to be bad anymore. What the hey, I can be President of the United States.""
• (Amy Yasbeck) "President of the United States? Are you brain damaged? Junior is gonna be a convict before he's in third grade."

• (Little Ben Healy) "I hope I'm not rushing you dear. We can always let nature take it's course."
• (Amy Yasbeck) "Nature screwed us over, let's give congress a try."

Gilbert Gottfried as Mr. Peabody

• (Gilbert Gottfried) "Maybe all Junior needs is to be loved."
• (Mother Superior) "Let's cut the crap, Mr. Peabody. Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns."

• (Gilbert Gottfried) "Could you act like nuns?"

• (Gilbert Gottfried) "A priest, it's like a nun with a jacket."

Jack Warden as Big Ben Healy

• (Little Ben Healy) "Ok I quit as your son."
• (Jack Warden) "Good, now get the hell out of here I've got a god**** campaign to win."
• (Little Ben Healy) "Oh your campaign, the one thing you do care about. Hey dad why don't you tell all the voters what you really plan on doing with this town."
• (Jack Warden) "I don't give a rats ass for the voters. All I care about is the power and the power that'll give me the money. That's why I'm a success and you're not. America for the Americans. You believe that nonsense? You're stupider than I thought. I'd sell my soul to the Japanese if they made me an offer. And as for you, don't come suckering around me if you want something. The only thing you'll get from me is this."

• (Jack Warden) "You don't know what you're letting yourself in for. For all you know the kid is liable to end up in the looney bin. He might even be democrat."

• (Jack Warden) "Get rid of that kid, oof. Get rid of him. Get rid of that kid."

• (Jack Warden) "I'm selling my store to the Japs."
• (Little Ben Healy) "I, I, I, but."
• (Jack Warden) "I, I, I, but what? You thought I was going to leave it to you one day?"
• (Little Ben Healy) "Yeah."
• (Jack Warden) "Well I'm not. I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation."
• (Little Ben Healy) "Well I still get the land don't I?"
• (Jack Warden) "No you're not. I'm selling that too. Everything from here to the river."
• (Little Ben Healy) "What? Dad, I can't believe this. I slaved to you for 10 years without a raise or a promotion."
• (Jack Warden) "Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? How about don't trust anyone?"
• (Little Ben Healy) "Not even your own father?"
• (Jack Warden) "Especially your own father. You know what your problem is? You're too nice. I expected a little backstabbing from you. Some ruthless scrambling to get to the top. But you stubbornly refused to follow my example."

• (Jack Warden) "Oh, my God. It's the devil."

• (Little Ben Healy) "Dad, we adopted."
• (Jack Warden) "Are you insane?"
• (Little Ben Healy) "I thought you'd be happy."
• (Jack Warden) "Happy? You don't know what you're letting yourself in for. For all you know, his parents may have met in the looney bin. They might even be democrats."

Michael Richards as Martin

• (Michael Richards) "I drove over a thousand miles, to hang out with a seven year old."
• (Michael Oliver) "I'm going to be eight in two weeks."
• (Michael Richards) "Don't count on it."

• (Clown) "Look, a giraffe."
• (Michael Richards) "Look, a fist."

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