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Porridge (film) Quotes

Porridge (film) is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . Porridge ended in 1970.

It features Ian La Frenais as producer, and Joe Brown in charge of musical score.

Porridge (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Porridge (film) is 93 minutes long. Porridge (film) is distributed by ITC Entertainment.

The cast includes: Ronnie Barker as Fletcher, Daniel Peacock as Rudge, Brian Wilde as Mr Barrowclough, Richard Beckinsale as Godber, Fulton Mackay as Mackay, Barrie Rutter as Oakes, Philip Locke as Banyard, Ken Jones as Ives, Derek Deadman as Cooper, Fulton Mackay as Mr Mackay, Karl Howman as Urquart, Zoot Money as Lotterby, and Julian Holloway as Bainbridge.

Porridge (film) Quotes

Richard Beckinsale as Godber

  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Hey, why don't we nick a chicken?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Don't be silly, it's Wednesday afternoon. Where we going to get sage and onion stuffing, eh?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Darn your own naffing socks."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "I can't understand why Mackay hasn't come down on us like a pile of bricks."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "'Cause he lost something in the kitchen today, that's why."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "What? Pride, you mean?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Nah, something else. Shift."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Why?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "It's hidden in your mattress."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Oh, I see, so if we get a search I'm the one who gets the blame."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "You think of everything, you do."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I try."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "I've had it with you."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "You what?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "You've really got up my goat these past two weeks."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Wrong Godber. I get your goat. I don't get up your goat. I get up your nose or on your wick."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Well just lately you've done all three."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "This is just like the wooden horse."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "What wooden 'orse?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "The Greeks and the Trojans. That's how the Greeks got into Troy."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Would you mind savin' the 'istory lesson til we get back into our flowery dell?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "-- oh well, that's all I have time for. There's the ironing to be done before Starsky and Hutch. Needless to say, I love you and miss your loving -- arms, I think it says."
  • (Bunny Warren) "Yeah, would be arms yeah."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Then it's lots of hugs and kisses. Nice letter."
  • (Bunny Warren) "So there's nothing in here about a welder or a canary?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "No. I would have noticed."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "He's been sitting in his cell since chow, just staring at the wall."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Ah well, he's just had his first experience of your cottage pie. Best not to move about too much after that."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "He's only a kid."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh listen to 'er."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "No, I just remember the first night I come in here. How I felt when that door banged shut. Hey, you should go and have a word with him."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Why?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "You're good at that sort of thing. You perked me up when I first arrived."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Listen, I broke you in Godber because you was forced upon my cell and it was in my interests not to 'ave a manic depressive in the bottom bunk."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "What is it?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Cops."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Copse? What, you mean like a wooded glade?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Yeah. A wooded glade crawlin' with bleedin' cops."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "It lacks something, Lotterby. With this soup Elizabeth Davies recommends coriander, bay leaves and a dash of pepper."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "I said a dash, Lotterby."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Fletch, leave the bell alone."

Ronnie Barker as Fletcher

  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh, morning Mr Barrowclough."
  • (Brian Wilde) "Busy, Fletcher?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh busier than ever, sir. Mind I never complain."
  • (Brian Wilde) "I can't actually see what it is you're supposed to be doing."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "It's the pigs, sir. They won't eat without my reassuring presence. Very highly strung your average pig, you know."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Who's he?"
  • (Brian Wilde) "Oh, Rudge. Newly assigned to the farm."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "How'd he work that then?"
  • (Brian Wilde) "Pardon?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "What? First day inside, the farm? What is he, the governor's nephew?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Course, he sees 'imself as an authority on curry, he does, on account of where he was stationed in the army."
  • (Daniel Peacock) "Where? India?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "No, Bradford."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "A captain, Godber, has to possess certain attributes which set him apart from the rest of his team, that is why I've chosen Light Fingered Larry."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Urquart? What attributes has he got?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "'Alf an ounce of snout which he's now given to me, all right?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Come on, come on, don't flag, jab, jab."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "It's the big one next week, sir."
  • (Unnamed) "Who was that?"
  • (Unnamed) "Couple of escaped convicts."
  • (Unnamed) "Ohhh."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "'Ere Grouty, listen to this."
  • (Harry Grout) "Listen to what?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "You know Robbie Patten who works in the laundry, well 'is wife wanted a divorce so she goes to the solicitor and 'e says "well, you've got to 'ave grounds". "What's grounds" she says. So 'e says "Firstly, there's insanity", well Robbie's a bit of a dipstick, like, but 'e's not certifiable. "Secondly there's desertion", well 'e's in 'ere, 'e can't go nowhere. "Third there's cruelty", well as you know 'e wouldn't hurt a fly "so that leaves adultery", "what's adultery" she says, so 'e tells 'er and she says "ah. I think we've got 'im there. 'E is not the father of my child."."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh, one more thing. Don't hang about in 'ere too long. Ambush Alley they call this; not a safe place in the nick. You get 'em all in 'ere, homosexuals, transvestites, the lot. I tell ya, when someone just comes in 'ere, sits down and gets on with it, it's like a breath of fresh air."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "We got plenty of strength at the back, one thing we're not short of is stoppers. What we need now is a bit of creative mid-field flair."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "From what I saw of him Rudge could provide that. Revelation he was."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Yeah. Reckons he had a trial for Brentford before he had a trial for shoplifting."
  • (Harry Grout) "Now then."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Listen Grouty, if it's about the teeth."
  • (Harry Grout) "What?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Well, I realise you are entitled to a first refusal."
  • (Harry Grout) "Are you referring to Mackay's missing molars?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I'm assuming that's why I was sent for. I mean, nothing gets past you Grouty."
  • (Harry Grout) "Oh no. If you've got them it's your tickle."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "All right, I'll just you the 'ighlights, all right? 'Dearest Bunny, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah --"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "blah."
  • (Bunny Warren) "Blah blah blah what?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "It's trivia, Bunny, it's just trivia, it's the weather, her mother's catarrh, she's retiled the lav, the canary's got haemorrhoids, she's met a welder at the Fiesta Club and she's thinking of movin' in with him. All right? Must rush. Can't hang about."
  • (Bunny Warren) "But --"
  • (Bunny Warren) "-- we 'aven't got a canary."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Show me a man who laughs at defeat and I will show you a black chiropodist with a sense of humour."
  • (Governor) "Oh, well-played Slade. Who is that?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "That's Armstrong, sir."
  • (Governor) "Shame. He's going out next month, if we have any more matches."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Yeah, he'll be choked he will."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "You're lookin' a bit down in the mouth, Mr Barrowclough, anything the matter?"
  • (Brian Wilde) "Oh, nothing much. The usual. Domestic crisis."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh dear. Mrs Barrowclough left you, has she?"
  • (Brian Wilde) "Unhappily -- no Fletcher."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "You're in the team, so don't quibble about who else is in the team."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Hello, Len."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "All right, Fletch?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Listen, it's the laddo's first day in 'ere. Do 'im a favour, will you? Give 'im a small portion."
  • (Bunny Warren) "'Ere Fletch."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I'm late."
  • (Bunny Warren) "Look, I've got a letter from the wife, can you read it to me?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Listen Bunny, if you can't read, how do you know it's from your wife?"
  • (Bunny Warren) "It's got Elaine's scent."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Cor, where's Elaine work? A tarpaulin factory?"
  • (Harry Grout) "Now we need someone reliable as trainer."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Don't look at me. I've grown disenchanted with the game. Twenty years of supporting Orient does that for a man."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh, look, Oaksey, I had your name down here all along. It's just I've spelled it MacMillan."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "What's the matter with you?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "We're still banged up in this cell aren't we, while Oakes is Hardy Kruger."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Hardy Kruger?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) ""The One that got away". A film starring Hardy Kruger."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Don't worry. Before too long he'll be Googie Withers again."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Googie Withers?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) ""Within these walls"."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Do you see yon screw with his looks so vain, with his brand new key on his brand new chain, with a face like a ferret and a pea for a brain, with his hand on his whistle in the morning."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Who are all these people, sir? I mean, me and the lads was given to understand that there would be a fair smattering of celebrities."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "See that red-haired man? Tells the weather on Anglia TV. And there's a pair of script writers for someone quite famous, and Mr Bainbridge himself has just finished a season at the Al Hambra Swansea."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I'll tell the lads. They'll be right chuffed."
  • (Bunny Warren) "Who are they, Fletch?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "A weather man, eight small parts and a widow twanky, now go and get changed."
  • (Bunny Warren) "What's the 'old up Fletch?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "It's the defrocked dentist havin' a go at the cuisine again."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "So that's what you've got is it?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Yeah, hardly ever been used."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "What are you gonna use it for?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I dunno."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Well why'd you nick it?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "He'd got one and I 'adn't."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "You're not doing yourself any favours, are you Banyard? All you're doing is getting up other people's noses."
  • (Philip Locke) "We have certain rights."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "No we don't, we're in the nick."
  • (Ken Jones) "I suppose you think you're entitled to something better just because you went to a public school, is that it?"
  • (Philip Locke) "On the contrary, Ives, I'm well used to this kind of food, I went to Harrow."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh that's a good advert for the public school system, prepares you for the nick. Course it's harder in here for him than for most of us, 'cause he has had further to drop. Professional man, you see. Dentist. Tragic."
  • (Ken Jones) "What do you mean, Fletcher, 'tragic'? It's no laughing matter for that woman he had under the laughing gas."
  • (Philip Locke) "There's no need for that, Ives. We don't have to keep unearthing each other's past, I'm paying for my peccadilloes."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh that's good. If you're paying I'll have a large one."
  • (Bunny Warren) "What's a peccadillo?"
  • (Ken Jones) "It's a South African bird. Flies backwards to stop getting the sand in its eyes."
  • (Bunny Warren) "No. No. I know what you mean though. It's an animal. Called the Armadildo."
  • (Philip Locke) "The Armadildo."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "No, that was King Arthur's codpiece. I think that's what I'm eating an' all."
  • (Mr Beal) "I used to play a bit. In goal."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh, yeah. I can just see you as custodian, sir."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I wouldn't leave that bike there if I was you."
  • (Mr Beal) "When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Suit yourself. But there are one or two thieves in 'ere. Know what I mean?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Good morning Mr Mackay, Mr Beal."
  • (Mr Beal) "How'd you know my name?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh word gets around sir, doesn't take long. I bet you're already a legend on some bog walls."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Cheer up, might never 'appen."
  • (Daniel Peacock) "Already 'as, I'm 'ere ain't I?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Now look. Whatever you're in 'ere for you did it didn't ya?"
  • (Daniel Peacock) "Banged to rights? Yeah."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Yeah. Just like me. If we 'adn't have been caught we'd have been Jack the lad wouldn't we? But no. We was. We was collared, so don't bleat. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I thought I told you to wait in the car."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Success? Let me tell you about success. I had a pal, come to London 28 years ago without two ha'pennies to rub together. Now he managed to save up enough to buy a little hand cart and he went round collecting all old newspapers. Do you what he's worth today?"
  • (Brian Wilde) "No, what?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Nothing. And he still owes for the hand cart."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Morning, Atkinson. Sleeping better are we?"
  • (Atkinson) "I slept like a top 'til some stupid cretin started shouting."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Watch out for 'im. 'Es the mad butcher of Slade prison."
  • (Daniel Peacock) "What did he do?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Fiddle the VAT on his sausages."
  • (Samson) "Oi, Fletcher."
  • (Harry Grout) "There'll be something for you in your Christmas stocking, Fletcher."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh, thank you sir. I'll look forward to that, sir."
  • (Governor) "You're saying Oakes forced you down the delivery hatch?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "At gunpoint, sir. Well, he had to do something or we would have blown the whistle on him. We'd have gone to see Mr Mackay who happened to have the whistle at the time."
  • (Mr Beal) "Long to do?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Long enough."
  • (Mr Beal) "What you in for?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Got caught."

Fulton Mackay as Mackay

  • (Fulton Mackay) "Fletcher."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Sir."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "If you want to sing, I suggest you form a Slade Prison Glee Club."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Glee?"
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Now I want a nice clean fight."
  • (Karl Howman) "It's not a boxing match, Mr Mackay."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "That's what I'm anxious to avoid."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "As you can see, Mr Beal, these men are gainfully employed in the manufacture of prison uniforms."
  • (Armstrong) "I'm going to open my own boutique when I get out."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "That'll do, Armstrong."
  • (Governor) "Didn't you mention that comedian chap? Wh-What's his name? Jimmy Tarbrush?"
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Buck, sir."
  • (Governor) "Yes. Buck Tarbrush."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Well, unhappily he's indisposed sir."
  • (Governor) "Oh, dear."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Buck Tarbrush. We should be lucky to get Basil Brush."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "My day will come."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "We find it best to put them all together in G wing or as we call it, married quarters."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "I'm going to book you for that."
  • (Derek Deadman) "You what?"
  • (Fulton Mackay) "What's your name, Cooper?"
  • (Derek Deadman) "Cooper."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "How many fingers am I holding up?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "You can't fool me sir, five."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "I was in the village today. There were some interesting reports. Sightings you might say."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "UFOs?"
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Indeed. Unidentified Fleeing Objects."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Are you wearing make-up again, Whittaker?"
  • (Fulton Mackay) "I won't buy it, Fletcher."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "That's just as well 'cause it ain't for sale."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Don't be cheeky, Ives."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "You're an unlikely choice as trainer, Fletcher."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Well, it was the lads what decided it."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Yet you've always struck me as a man who despises physical activity."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Oh, not in others sir."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "What's on the menu today Godber?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Creme Dubarry, followed by curry sir."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "Curried what?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Meat sir."
  • (Fulton Mackay) "What meat?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "I dunno. It just says 'tinned meat'. On the tin like."

Barrie Rutter as Oakes

  • (Harry Grout) "I'm Harry Grout."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "Everyone knows that. Bill Oakes."
  • (Harry Grout) "I know your form Oakesy. You've been moved here from Wakefield where you obviously kept your nose clean. Half-way through a twelve stretch for armed robbery, isn't it?"
  • (Barrie Rutter) "That's right."
  • (Harry Grout) "Big tickle, that last job of yours. I hope the money's safely stowed away."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "Someone's been investing it for me."
  • (Harry Grout) "Oh, safe as prefabs then."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "That's why I want out, I wish to unfreeze my assets and take off to the sun."
  • (Harry Grout) "I can see why you would."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "Naturally there will be the appropriate recompense to your good self."
  • (Harry Grout) "Yeah, I like the word recompense."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "I was thinking --"
  • (Harry Grout) "No. Let me tell you my thinking. 5000. Three before, two after. It's only fair the lion's share should come up first. After taking off to the sun, people are often careless about tying up their affairs."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "Where'd you want it put?"
  • (Harry Grout) "Hastings and Thanet Building Society. Bexhill branch."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "And if you don't spring me?"
  • (Harry Grout) "Then you get your money back. Mind, I keep the interest."

Daniel Peacock as Rudge

  • (Mr Beal) "What you in for?"
  • (Daniel Peacock) "Two years."
  • (Mr Beal) "I didn't mean time, I meant offence."
  • (Barrie Rutter) "None taken."
  • (Daniel Peacock) "Who was that fellow on the landing?"
  • (Ronnie Barker) "Who? Him? Harry Grout. He runs this prison."
  • (Daniel Peacock) "I thought that was the governor's job."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "No only officially sonny. Next time you meet him bow, curtsy or lick his boots if he asks, all right?"

Philip Locke as Banyard

  • (Philip Locke) "I don't know why you kowtow to that man, Grout."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "I know you don't, Mr Banyard. That's why your nose looks like it does."
  • (Philip Locke) "What sort of pie is this?"
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "Fruit pie."
  • (Philip Locke) "Yes, I realised that. I merely wondered what sort of fruit."
  • (Richard Beckinsale) "I dunno, it just comes out of a tin marked "Fruit Pie Filling"."
  • (Philip Locke) "So, we have no clue to its origins?"
  • (Zoot Money) "No, it's not oranges. It's more like, er -- plum or damson."

Brian Wilde as Mr Barrowclough

  • (Mr Beal) "I was married. Divorced now."
  • (Brian Wilde) "Well, look at it this way, 'tis better to have loved and lost than"
  • (Brian Wilde) "to spend your whole ruddy life with her."
  • (Mr Beal) "Mind if I cadge a lift?"
  • (Brian Wilde) "Oh, well, we're not --"
  • (Mr Beal) "I've just been posted here."
  • (Brian Wilde) "Oh, a brother officer."
  • (Mr Beal) "Saves me the cab fare."
  • (Brian Wilde) "Aye, well, I'd still claim for it, though."
  • (Brian Wilde) "This job is a privilege, you know."
  • (Ronnie Barker) "For the pigs, yeah."

Ken Jones as Ives

  • (Ken Jones) "I didn't know Samson and Delilah ate millet."

Julian Holloway as Bainbridge

  • (Julian Holloway) "I bet if we'd brought Michael Parkinson or the Goodies you wouldn't have held them for questioning."
  • (Brian Wilde) "Probably not. But then you didn't, did you?"

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