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Porky's Quotes

Porky's is a television program that was first aired in 1970 . Porky's ended in 1970.

It features Plainlist, Don Carmody, and Bob Clark as producer, Paul Zaza, and Carl Zittrer in charge of musical score, and Reginald H. Morris as head of cinematography.

Porky's is recorded in English and originally aired in Canada. Each episode of Porky's is 98 minutes long. Porky's is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Nancy Parsons as Balbricker, Eric Christmas as Mr. Carter, Boyd Gaines as Coach Brakett, Dan Monahan as Pee Wee Morris, Wyatt Knight as Tommy Turner, Roger Wilson as Mickey, Scott Colomby as Brian Schwartz, Tony Ganios as Meat, Mark Herrier as Billy, Kaki Hunter as Wendy, Cyril O'Reilly as Mr. Cavanaugh, Cyril O'Reilly as Tim, Susan Clark as Cherry Forever, Doug McGrath as Coach Warren, Chuck Mitchell as Porky, Alex Karras as Sheriff Wallace, Art Hindle as Ted Jarvis, and Kim Cattrall as Honeywell.

Porky's Quotes

Art Hindle as Ted Jarvis

  • (Art Hindle) "I'll see you guys later."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Hey Ted, we're going too."
  • (Art Hindle) "No you're not. It's bad enough we have to go into their jurisdiction without having to add the charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor."
  • (Dan Monahan) "But he --"
  • (Art Hindle) "No "buts", Pee-Wee. I don't wanna see any of you boys get hurt."
  • (Scott Colomby) "Nobody has to get hurt."
  • (Art Hindle) "What's that, Brian?"
  • (Scott Colomby) "Nobody has to get hurt, and your career doesn't have to be in jeopardy."
  • (Art Hindle) "Well, I'm all for that, Brian. What do you have in mind?"
  • (Scott Colomby) "It doesn't have to be tonight, right?"
  • (Art Hindle) "Nope. It doesn't have to be tonight."
  • (Scott Colomby) "Good."

Kaki Hunter as Wendy

  • (Kaki Hunter) "Do you guys know Mike --"
  • (Kaki Hunter) "Pee-wee. I'm gonna get you. You little prick. And I mean that literally."
  • (Kaki Hunter) "Deadbeats."
  • (Dan Monahan) "Hello. Hi. I'm lookin' for a friend of mine. He's s'posed to be there."
  • (Kaki Hunter) "Uh, what's his name?"
  • (Dan Monahan) "His name's Michael Hunt -- uh Mike, Mike. Yes, Mike."
  • (Kaki Hunter) "Mike Hunt? Okay, just hang on a minute."
  • (Kaki Hunter) "Is Mike Hunt here?"
  • (Kaki Hunter) "Is Mike Hunt here?"
  • (Kaki Hunter) "Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?"
  • (Tony Ganios) "Practically everybody in town, from what I hear."

Nancy Parsons as Balbricker

  • (Nancy Parsons) "Miss Honeywell, do you mind?"
  • (Kim Cattrall) "Do I mind what?"
  • (Nancy Parsons) "Look at this. The two of you squirming around like a pair of eels in heat. It's a disgrace."
  • (Kim Cattrall) "Yeah? Well it's certainly better than stomping and waddling around like a frilly hippopotamus, Beulah."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "What did you call me?"
  • (Kim Cattrall) "Beulah. Beulah Ball-breaker."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "Who do you think you're talking to?"
  • (Kim Cattrall) "Well, if I heard of herty-gerty, I would think I was talking to the fat lady in the circus, but as it stands I guess I'm talking to a bunch of bad news named Beulah, Beulah, BEULAH."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Look, ladies --"
  • (Kim Cattrall) "You butt out."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "Moral turpitude."
  • (Kim Cattrall) "What?"
  • (Nancy Parsons) "Moral turpitude. Read your contract, Miss Honeywell. I'll have you fired for moral turpitude."
  • (Kim Cattrall) "Take your moral turpitude and stick up your old gazoo, Beulah."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Moral turpitude? Gee, I don't know, Lynn."
  • (Kim Cattrall) "Oh, come on."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it; I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who --"
  • (Eric Christmas) "Miss Balbricker."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present; Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we -- and we -- can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "Well, what are you gonna do about it?"
  • (Eric Christmas) "Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp -- penis is so personal."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That"
  • (Nancy Parsons) "tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it."
  • (Eric Christmas) "Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa -- their private parts for an incriminating mole?"
  • (Nancy Parsons) "But Mr. Carter."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school -- "Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School.""
  • (Nancy Parsons) "I've got you NOW, TOMMY TURNER. And I'm taking you to the principal. Somebody get me the principal. Mr. Carter. Somebody get me the principal."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "You disgusting, little, filthy, pervert."
  • (Nancy Parsons) "You freak. You filthy little pervert. I know you're in there. You dirty little dickhead."

Cyril O'Reilly as Tim

  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Get outta here."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "What?"
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "You heard what I said."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Well, who ya talking to, boy?"
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Trash. Pure trash."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "You know, I really wish you hadn't said that, because you don't know how humiliating it is to have anyone even know you're my pa."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Stay out of this."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "You make sure you're finished, because this is going to be the last time you ever lay a hand on me again, you SON OF A BITCH."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Being a man? If being a man means being you, I'd rather be queer."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "C'mon, Jew-boy."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, watch it buddy."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Louie, Ivy, Abie, Slain. We the boy who don't eat no ham."
  • (Scott Colomby) "You really get a kick out of this, don't you?"
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Oh-ho, you got yourself a big Jew mouth, just like your big Jew nose. You a big man when you're kicking the ass out of kids with that sneaky Jap stuff, huh? Well, come on, why don't you try some of that s*** on me? C'mon. Jew boy."
  • (Coach Goodenough) "Kavanaugh, get off the floor."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "It was an accident, coach."
  • (Coach Goodenough) "Bulls***, that was no accident. Get off the floor, now. You're suspended indefinitely. No one who plays like that plays for me. MOVE."
  • (Coach Goodenough) "You okay, son?"
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Anybody wanna go fly a kite with me tonight? I hear it's great weather for flying KITES. I wonder if there's any KITES around here we can fly."
  • (Scott Colomby) "Hey listen, Cavanaugh. It's not kite, it's KIKE. K-I-K-E, "kike." You know, you're too stupid to even be a good bigot."

Mark Herrier as Billy

  • (Mark Herrier) "All right. Now remember, any sign of guns and we're gone, okay?"
  • (Dan Monahan) "Yo, Billy."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk. I'll educate ya. I'll wrap this right around your damn neck. Come on, move it."
  • (Mark Herrier) "Boy, boy, Porky. You know, we're really scared. I guess we better go now."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "You better be. Go on, get your ass on home."
  • (Mark Herrier) "I hope s*** floats."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "You'll float if I ever catch you around here again, you little s***."
  • (Mark Herrier) "Soo-ee. Soo. Soo-soo-soo-ee."
  • (Bartender) "What the hell is that?"
  • (Mark Herrier) "I wanna see Porky."
  • (Bartender) "Who wants to see Porky?"
  • (Mark Herrier) "Tell him the boys from Angel Beach are here. Tell him to bring the best he's got and meet us in the parking lot. Now."
  • (Bartender) "Do you believe that? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute."
  • (Bartender) "Oh, Porky. The boys from Angel Beach are here."
  • (Mark Herrier) "Cherry, this is Pee Wee."
  • (Susan Clark) "I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?"
  • (Susan Clark) "You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in."
  • (Susan Clark) "Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it."
  • (Dan Monahan) "OK."
  • (Mark Herrier) "She's married to some big black stud and he's gonna cut your pecker off."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Yeah, I hear he's packing tweezers."
  • (Mark Herrier) "The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "This is just the kind of thing you write off."
  • (Dan Monahan) "Here you go."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Again?"
  • (Dan Monahan) "I got it last time."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers."
  • (Roger Wilson) "I'm going back to get that pig."
  • (Tony Ganios) "Yeah right, Mick."
  • (Roger Wilson) "Yeah, Meat."

Alex Karras as Sheriff Wallace

  • (Alex Karras) "Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums."
  • (Alex Karras) "Where's your car, boy?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "Right there."
  • (Alex Karras) "You from Seward County?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "Yeah."
  • (Alex Karras) "Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights."
  • (Roger Wilson) "I don't have a busted headlight."
  • (Alex Karras) "Don't have a busted headlight?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "s***."
  • (Alex Karras) "That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "I've got fifteen bucks."
  • (Dan Monahan) "I've got-I've got five."
  • (Alex Karras) "You got five, you got fifteen, huh?"
  • (Tony Ganios) "I've got twelve."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "I think I got three."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Watch this."
  • (Roger Wilson) "god**** it."
  • (Alex Karras) "You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "I've got ten."
  • (Alex Karras) "Give it to me. Give me all you got."
  • (Alex Karras) "Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break."
  • (Alex Karras) "You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the f*** out. Go on. Go on."
  • (Alex Karras) "Go on. Here we go. Here we go. Goin' home now, ain't we?"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer."
  • (Alex Karras) "Don't you sons of bitches know the difference between drive and reverse?"
  • (Deputy no. 1) "I did have it in drive, Boss."
  • (Alex Karras) "Get me outta here."
  • (Alex Karras) "Hold it. Hold it."
  • (Alex Karras) "Ya better f***in' freeze, mister."
  • (Alex Karras) "What's goin' on here, Pork?"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "I was givin' the old place an enema and this pile of s*** come floatin' up to the surface."
  • (Dan Monahan) "Hey."
  • (Alex Karras) "Shut up, boy. Just shut up."

Chuck Mitchell as Porky

  • (Chuck Mitchell) "You're dead, you sons of bitches. I'm gonna get ya."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Get that Pigmobile out here. You're gonna die. I'm coming after ya. You're all dead. I'm gonna break your f***in' necks myself."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "It's gone. Porky's is gone."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Alright how much do you want?"
  • (Art Hindle) "I'll let you off on the promise that you get your fat ass back across that county line, and the promise from your brother that all piccatilling that may have occurred tonight will be forgotten."
  • (Alex Karras) "Why don't you stick it up your --"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Promise him, for Christ sakes. Promise him."
  • (Alex Karras) "Yeah, I promise to shove my foot --"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Promise him, you asshole, or you'll be back shoveling the pig s***."
  • (Alex Karras) "I promise."
  • (Art Hindle) "What's that? I couldn't hear ya."
  • (Alex Karras) "I said I promise, you mother --"
  • (Alex Karras) "I promise."
  • (Art Hindle) "Alright, now get this car out of Seward County."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "You blew away our engine and we have a flat tire. How?"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Just put a little weight behind it. I'm sure you boys can manage that."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Alright get your shoulders behind this thing."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Who's asking to see me?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "Mr. Porky, I am."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "What do you want?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "Well, my friends and I would like to party with five of your girls upstairs in Porky's Pen."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "You five of my piglets up in the pen? For how long?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "An hour."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "A whole hour. What do you got to spend? Bottle caps?"
  • (Roger Wilson) "Hundred bucks."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Ooh. A hundred dollars, for five ladies."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Go home, snot nose."
  • (Roger Wilson) "Porky, wait a minute."
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Mister Porky."
  • (Roger Wilson) "Well, how many girls can we get for a hundred?"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "There's five of you, right?"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "That's a lot of horny dicks. I'll let you have two girls for an hour, or three or a half-hour."
  • (Roger Wilson) "That's all?"
  • (Chuck Mitchell) "Hey, no one's forcing you, but it's a long ride back home and it's even longer with a hard on."
  • (Roger Wilson) "Okay, okay, we'll take three for thirty minutes."

Scott Colomby as Brian Schwartz

  • (Scott Colomby) "When you're Jewish you either learn to fight, or you take a lotta s***. I don't like to take s***"

Wyatt Knight as Tommy Turner

  • (Wyatt Knight) "And this is the pride of Angel Beach. Anthony Tuperello, affectionately known as Meat."
  • (Susan Clark) "Oh, my God. The boy's deformed."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Jesus Christ. It's the mother lode."
  • (Mark Herrier) "I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history of Florida."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Wait. What's this bulls***?"
  • (Mark Herrier) "She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD."
  • (Steve) "How's she going to tell that by looking at us?"
  • (Wyatt Knight) "She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor."
  • (Cyril O'Reilly) "Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?"
  • (Mark Herrier) "Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?"
  • (Dan Monahan) "Okay, I'm ready."
  • (Dan Monahan) "I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Hi I'm Paulie the Penis. And I just love to have fun. Ha Ha Ha."

Boyd Gaines as Coach Brakett

  • (Boyd Gaines) "Oh boy, would I like to get next to that."
  • (Doug McGrath) "Ah yes, Lassie."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Lassie?"
  • (Doug McGrath) "Patience my boy, patience."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Why do they call her Lassie?"
  • (Doug McGrath) "Why do you think?"
  • (Boyd Gaines) "I dunno."
  • (Doug McGrath) "Awooooooo."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "You callin' her a dog? That's angel food cake."
  • (Doug McGrath) "Well, what can I tell ya?"
  • (Boyd Gaines) "You can tell me why they call her Lassie."
  • (Doug McGrath) "Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "She's a virgin."
  • (Coach Goodenough) "Yeah, and the Pope's Jewish."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "That's angel food cake. You touch her and the Food and Drug Administration will get ya for f***ing food."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Count me in."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "You could get fired, Coach."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Are you kidding? I gotta be the worst coach that ever lived."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "I'm long gone after this semester, anyway. And don't call me Coach anymore. Call me Roy. I'm only 23 for Christ sake."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "You look much older."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "Why don't you go and sit on a snake, Turner."
  • (Boyd Gaines) "You see this? Porky gave me that about 6 years ago. I always wanted a shot at that mutha. I'd feed him his nuts for lunch."

Dan Monahan as Pee Wee Morris

  • (Dan Monahan) "It's too big."
  • (Wyatt Knight) "Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers."
  • (Roger Wilson) "He needs the junior size."
  • (Scott Colomby) "Peewee, tie a knot in it."
  • (Tony Ganios) "Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?"
  • (Dan Monahan) "GOD DAMN IT. WILL YOU MOVE IT, YOU LARD ASS?"
  • (Dan Monahan) "All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts."
  • (Mark Herrier) "That's it. I am not taking a shower with you."
  • (Dan Monahan) "Religious fanatics."

Roger Wilson as Mickey

  • (Roger Wilson) "Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky."
  • (Bartender) "Porky's busy."
  • (Roger Wilson) "Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some p*****."
  • (Bartender) "Pay me."
  • (Roger Wilson) "I want to talk to Porky."
  • (Bartender) "Okay, if that's what you want."
  • (Roger Wilson) "See? You just got to show them who's boss."

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