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Pilot (Desperate Housewives) Quotes

Pilot (Desperate Housewives) is a television program that debuted in 1970 . Pilot ended in 1970.

Pilot (Desperate Housewives) Quotes

  • (Unnamed) "Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?"
  • (Unnamed) "What are you doing? We are at a wake."
  • (Unnamed) "When we got here you said we could go in the pool."
  • (Unnamed) "I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah, we put them on under our clothes before we left."
  • (Unnamed) "Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family."
  • (Unnamed) "Are we gonna talk about what I said?"
  • (Unnamed) "If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind."
  • (Unnamed) "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this."
  • (Unnamed) "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are."
  • (Unnamed) "This table was hand-carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him twenty three thousand dollars."
  • (Unnamed) "You wanna do it on the table this time?"
  • (Unnamed) "Absolutely."
  • (Unnamed) "I have a clog."
  • (Unnamed) "Excuse me?"
  • (Unnamed) "And you're a plumber, right?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "The clog's in the pipe."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah, that's usually where they are."
  • (Unnamed) "My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used. My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who'd been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before."
  • (Unnamed) "And, for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment. If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side."
  • (Unnamed) "Susan had met the enemy. And she? Was a slut."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, wait, I got to tell you. I was having trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom."
  • (Unnamed) "A condom?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "What's the big deal? Let's risk it."
  • (Unnamed) "Let's risk it?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives."
  • (Unnamed) "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass."
  • (Unnamed) "I made over two hundred thousand doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him."
  • (Unnamed) "You are going to behave today. I am not gonna be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know that I'm serious, I am --"
  • (Unnamed) "What's that?"
  • (Unnamed) "Santa's cell-phone number."
  • (Unnamed) "How'd you get that?"
  • (Unnamed) "I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. Are you willing to risk that?"
  • (Unnamed) "If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes."
  • (Unnamed) "Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on."
  • (Unnamed) "Not now, honey, Mommy's threatening Daddy."
  • (Unnamed) "Why can't we ever have normal soup?"
  • (Unnamed) "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree."
  • (Unnamed) "Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?"
  • (Unnamed) "First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion."
  • (Unnamed) "So, how's the osso buco?"
  • (Unnamed) "It's okay."
  • (Unnamed) "It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?"
  • (Unnamed) "Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?"
  • (Unnamed) "Excuse me?"
  • (Unnamed) "Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy."
  • (Unnamed) "You'd rather I serve pork and beans?"
  • (Unnamed) "Apologize now, I am begging."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?"
  • (Unnamed) "Are you doing drugs?"
  • (Unnamed) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom."
  • (Unnamed) "Trust me, that is not what he is doing."
  • (Unnamed) "Shut up."
  • (Unnamed) "Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford."
  • (Unnamed) "Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something."
  • (Unnamed) "Pass the salt?"
  • (Unnamed) "I really hate the way you talk to me."
  • (Unnamed) "And I really hate that I spent fifteen thousand dollars on your diamond necklace, that you couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it."
  • (Unnamed) "Mom, why would someone kill themselves?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems."
  • (Unnamed) "But Mrs. Young always seemed happy."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?"
  • (Unnamed) "I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example."
  • (Unnamed) "I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't."
  • (Unnamed) "You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just -- having dinner."
  • (Unnamed) "You're right. They're doing it."
  • (Unnamed) "I want a divorce. I just can't live in this detergent commercial anymore."
  • (Unnamed) "I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch."
  • (Unnamed) "It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience."
  • (Unnamed) "Even the limp ones aren't that ethical."
  • (Unnamed) "You know what I don't get?"
  • (Unnamed) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "Why you married Mr. Solis."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, did he?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yes."
  • (Unnamed) "Then -- why aren't you happy?"
  • (Unnamed) "Turns out I wanted all the wrong things."
  • (Unnamed) "So. Do you love him?"
  • (Unnamed) "I do."
  • (Unnamed) "So, why are we here? Why are we doing this?"
  • (Unnamed) "Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out."
  • (Unnamed) "Hey, can I have a drag?"
  • (Unnamed) "Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door."
  • (Unnamed) "Susan Mayer. I live across the street."
  • (Unnamed) "I can't believe you tried to kill me."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, well, I feel badly about that."
  • (Unnamed) "What's that?"
  • (Unnamed) "It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice."
  • (Unnamed) "Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?"
  • (Unnamed) "Are you mad that I asked you that?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, I'm just trying to remember."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out."

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