Office Space Quotes

Office Space is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . Office Space ended in 1970.

It features Daniel Rappaport; Michael Rotenberg as producer, John Frizzell (composer) in charge of musical score, and Tim Suhrstedt as head of cinematography.

Office Space is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Office Space is 89 minutes long. Office Space is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Ron Livingston as Peter Gibbons, Paul Willson as Bob Porter, John C. McGinley as Bob Slydell, Ajay Naidu as Samir, David Herman as Michael Bolton, Mike McShane as Dr. Swanson, Diedrich Bader as Lawrence, Stephen Root as Milton Waddams, Richard Riehle as Tom Smykowski, Jennifer Aniston as Joanna, Joe Bays as Dom Portwood, Gary Cole as Bill Lumbergh, Kinna McInroe as Nina, Orlando Jones as Steve, and Greg Pitts as Drew.

Office Space Quotes

Gary Cole as Bill Lumbergh

• (Gary Cole) "Hello Peter, what's happening? Ummm, I'm gonna need you to go ahead come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around 9 that would be great, mmmk -- oh oh. and I almost forgot ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday too, kay. We ahh lost some people this week and ah, we sorta need to play catch up."

• (Gary Cole) "Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too --"

• (Gary Cole) "Oh, and remember: next Friday -- is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans."

• (Gary Cole) "Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?"
• (Stephen Root) "Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler --"

• (Gary Cole) "You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great."

• (Gary Cole) "So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?"
• (Ron Livingston) "No."
• (Gary Cole) "Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes."
• (Gary Cole) "I wasn't aware of a meeting with them."
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah, they called me at home."

Ron Livingston as Peter Gibbons

• (Ron Livingston) "This isn't Riyadh. You know they're not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort. s***, we should be so lucky. Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?"
• (Ajay Naidu) "Really?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yes."
• (David Herman) "s***. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months."

• (Ron Livingston) "It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die; Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth. We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements."
• (David Herman) "I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music."
• (Ron Livingston) "Oh. That is not right, Michael."

• (Ron Livingston) "Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody."
• (Ajay Naidu) "Of course."
• (David Herman) "Agreed,"
• (Diedrich Bader) "Don't worry, man. I won't tell anyone either."
• (David Herman) "Who the f*** is that?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool."

• (Ron Livingston) "Hey, he helped Anne lose weight."
• (Ajay Naidu) "Peter, she's anorexic."
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah, the guy's really good."

• (Ron Livingston) "Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?"
• (Ajay Naidu) "Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal."
• (Ron Livingston) "Illegal? Samir, this is America."

• (Ron Livingston) "You know, corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice $305,326.13, Michael."

• (Ron Livingston) "The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."
• (Paul Willson) "Don't -- don't care?"
• (Ron Livingston) "It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now."
• (John C. McGinley) "I beg your pardon?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Eight bosses."
• (John C. McGinley) "Eight?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."

• (Ron Livingston) "That's what I'm talkin' about when I talk about America."

• (Ron Livingston) "Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "From the crippled children?"
• (Ron Livingston) "No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody."

• (Ron Livingston) "Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?""
• (Diedrich Bader) "No. No, man. s***, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."

• (Ron Livingston) "What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?"

• (Ron Livingston) "So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give me more money?"
• (Paul Willson) "Uh-huh."
• (Ron Livingston) "Wow."

• (Ron Livingston) "Lawrence, you awake?"
• (Diedrich Bader) "Yeah."
• (Ron Livingston) "You wanna come over?"
• (Diedrich Bader) "No, thanks, man. I don't want you f***ing up my life, too."

• (Ron Livingston) "Alright so when the sub routine compounds the interest is uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, drop the remainder into an account we opened."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "So you're stealing?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Right. It's not yours?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Well it becomes ours."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "How is that not stealing?"
• (Ron Livingston) "I don't think I'm explaining this very well."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Okay."
• (Ron Livingston) "Um -- the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "From the cripple children?"
• (Ron Livingston) "No that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that are for everybody?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh for everybody. Okay."
• (Ron Livingston) "Well those are whole pennies, right? I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here. But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times."

• (Ron Livingston) "You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?"
• (John C. McGinley) "Oh yeah, we're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal."
• (Paul Willson) "Standard operating procedure."
• (Ron Livingston) "Do they know this yet?"
• (John C. McGinley) "No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week."

• (Ron Livingston) "What would you do if you had a million dollars?"
• (Diedrich Bader) "I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man."
• (Ron Livingston) "That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?"
• (Diedrich Bader) "Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money."
• (Ron Livingston) "Well, not all chicks."
• (Diedrich Bader) "Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do."
• (Ron Livingston) "Good point."
• (Diedrich Bader) "Well, what about you now? What would you do?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Besides two chicks at the same time?"
• (Diedrich Bader) "Well, yeah."
• (Ron Livingston) "Nothing."
• (Diedrich Bader) "Nothing, huh?"
• (Ron Livingston) "I would relax -- I would sit on my ass all day -- I would do nothing."
• (Diedrich Bader) "Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do s***."

• (Ron Livingston) "Boy, I'll tell ya, some days -- One of these days it's just gonna be like --"
• (Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter) "So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Just coffee."
• (Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter) "Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays."

• (Ron Livingston) "What if we're still doing this when we're fifty?"
• (Ajay Naidu) "It would be nice to have that kind of job security."

• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah, I know him. I know him. He's my boss. He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "He's not THAT disgusting."
• (Ron Livingston) "He represents all that is soulless and wrong. And you slept with him."

• (Ron Livingston) "Hey, guys."
• (David Herman) "What's up, G?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee?"
• (Ajay Naidu) "Oh, it's a little early."
• (Ron Livingston) "I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it."
• (Female Temp) "Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays."

Ajay Naidu as Samir

• (Ajay Naidu) "This is a -- f***."

• (Ajay Naidu) "No, not again. I -- why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of s*** out the window."
• (David Herman) "You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed."
• (Ajay Naidu) "Piece of s***."

• (Ajay Naidu) "Mother -- s***ter -- Son of an -- ass. I just --"

• (Ajay Naidu) "No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar."
• (David Herman) "Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton."
• (Ajay Naidu) "You know, there's nothing wrong with that name."
• (David Herman) "There was nothing wrong with it -- until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys."
• (Ajay Naidu) "Hmm -- well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?"
• (David Herman) "No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks."

• (Ajay Naidu) "I have a question."
• (Ron Livingston) "Yes?"
• (Ajay Naidu) "In -- in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yep, you sure can."
• (Ajay Naidu) "OK, I'll do it."

• (Ajay Naidu) "Is there some way to just give the money back?"
• (Ron Livingston) "What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I think they'd figure that out."

Diedrich Bader as Lawrence

• (Diedrich Bader) "We still goin' fishin' this weekend?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it."
• (Diedrich Bader) "Well, you can get out of that easily."
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah? How?"
• (Diedrich Bader) "Well, when a boss wants you to work on Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah."
• (Diedrich Bader) "So, all you gotta do is avoid him -- on the last few hours on Friday, duck out early, turn off your answering machine -- you should be home free, man."
• (Ron Livingston) "That's a really good idea."
• (Diedrich Bader) "f***in' A, man."

• (Diedrich Bader) "Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, check out this chick."

• (Diedrich Bader) "Peter -- watch out for your cornhole, bud."

John C. McGinley as Bob Slydell

• (John C. McGinley) "What you do at Initech is you take the specifications from the customer and bring them down to the software engineers?"
• (Richard Riehle) "Yes, yes that's right."
• (Paul Willson) "Well then I just have to ask why can't the customers take them directly to the software people?"
• (Richard Riehle) "Well, I'll tell you why, because, engineers are not good at dealing with customers."
• (John C. McGinley) "So you physically take the specs from the customer?"
• (Richard Riehle) "Well -- No. My secretary does that, or they're faxed."
• (Paul Willson) "So then you must physically bring them to the software people?"
• (Richard Riehle) "Well. No. Ah sometimes."
• (John C. McGinley) "What would you say you do here?"

• (John C. McGinley) "You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work -- so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah."
• (John C. McGinley) "Great."
• (Ron Livingston) "Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door; that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh; and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour."
• (Paul Willson) "Da-uh? Space out?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work."

• (John C. McGinley) "I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him."

• (John C. McGinley) "Would you bear with me for just a second, please?"
• (Ron Livingston) "OK."
• (John C. McGinley) "What if; and believe me this is a hypothetical; but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?"
• (Ron Livingston) "I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both of you guys."
• (John C. McGinley) "Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me."
• (Ron Livingston) "Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well."
• (Paul Willson) "Excellent."
• (John C. McGinley) "Great -- Wow."

• (John C. McGinley) "There's two more people we can easily lose, and then there's Tom Smykowski -- He's useless."
• (John C. McGinley) "Gone."

• (John C. McGinley) "Milton Waddams."
• (Joe Bays) "Who's he?"
• (Paul Willson) "You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot."
• (Joe Bays) "Oh, yeah."
• (John C. McGinley) "Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here."
• (Paul Willson) "I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck."
• (John C. McGinley) "So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch."
• (Gary Cole) "Great."
• (Joe Bays) "So, uh, Milton has been let go?"
• (John C. McGinley) "Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally."
• (Paul Willson) "We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end."

Kinna McInroe as Nina

• (Kinna McInroe) "Now Milton, don't be greedy, let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece."
• (Stephen Root) "Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece. And I was told --"
• (Kinna McInroe) "Just pass."
• (Stephen Root) "I could set the building on fire."

• (Kinna McInroe) "Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. JUST a moment."

David Herman as Michael Bolton

• (David Herman) "Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven't been showing up and you get to keep your job."
• (Ron Livingston) "Actually, I'm being promoted."

• (David Herman) "PC load letter. What the f*** does that mean?"

Richard Riehle as Tom Smykowski

• (Richard Riehle) "Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me."

• (Richard Riehle) "Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

• (Richard Riehle) "It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor -- and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO."
• (David Herman) "That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom."
• (Ajay Naidu) "Yes, this is horrible, this idea."

Stephen Root as Milton Waddams

• (Stephen Root) "Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it --"

• (Stephen Root) "Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass --"
• (Mexican Waiter) "Lo siento mucho, senor."
• (Mexican Waiter) "Pinche gringo."
• (Stephen Root) "And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could -- I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put -- I could put -- strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt."

• (Stephen Root) "The ratio of people to cake is too big."

• (Stephen Root) "And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire --"

• (Stephen Root) "I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven."

Orlando Jones as Steve

• (Orlando Jones) "I lied. Um -- All that stuff I said about being a crack head? It just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed -- software engineer."
• (Ron Livingston) "You're a software engineer?"
• (Orlando Jones) "Yup."
• (Ajay Naidu) "Things, uh -- it must be very rough for you."
• (Orlando Jones) "Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions, than I ever did at Intertrode."

Joe Bays as Dom Portwood

• (Joe Bays) "Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports."
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it."
• (Joe Bays) "Yeah. Did you get that memo?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore."
• (Joe Bays) "Ah. Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right."

Jennifer Aniston as Joanna

• (Jennifer Aniston) "Why don't you just call me when you grow up. Oh, wait, you know what, that's probably never gonna happen, so just don't call me, OK?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Say hello to Lumbergh for me."

• (Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter) "Get a room, you two."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "I hate that guy."

• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "We need to talk about your flair."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Really? I -- I have fifteen pieces on. I, also --"
• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "Well, okay. Fifteen is the minimum, okay?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Okay."
• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "Now, you know it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Or -- well, like Brian, for example, has thirty seven pieces of flair, okay. And a terrific smile."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Okay. So you -- you want me to wear more?"
• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "Look. Joanna."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah."
• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, okay? They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude. Okay? That's what the flair's about. It's about fun."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah. Okay. So more then, yeah?"
• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "Look, we want you to express yourself, okay? Now if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then okay. But some people choose to wear more and we encourage that, okay? You do want to express yourself, don't you?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah, yeah."
• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "Okay. Great. Great. That's all I ask."

• (Jennifer Aniston) "How dare you judge me? I mean what are you? You think you're some kind of, like, angel here? No, you're just this penny-stealing -- wanna-be criminal -- man."
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh."

• (Jennifer Aniston) "I dunno, it just seems wrong."
• (Ron Livingston) "It's NOT wrong. INITECH is wrong. INITECH is an evil corporation, all right? Chochkies is wrong. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register."
• (Ron Livingston) "Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "What?"

• (Jennifer Aniston) "You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?"
• (Stan, Chotchkie's Manager) "Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah. You know what, yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it."

Paul Willson as Bob Porter

• (Paul Willson) "Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately."
• (Ron Livingston) "I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob."

Mike McShane as Dr. Swanson

Greg Pitts as Drew

• (Greg Pitts) "I'm thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. "Oh -- Oh -- Oh." You know what I'm talkin' about. "Oh.""

• (Greg Pitts) "Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah."
• (Greg Pitts) "Hmmm. Who's SHE here with?"
• (Ron Livingston) "She's with me."
• (Greg Pitts) "Really?"
• (Ron Livingston) "Yeah."
• (Greg Pitts) "All right, Peter. Ooh. Ooh. Right on -- Make sure you wear a rubber, dude."
• (Ron Livingston) "Why is that, Drew?"
• (Greg Pitts) "Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?"
• (Ron Livingston) "She does, does she?"
• (Greg Pitts) "Oh, yeah. Like a record."
• (Ron Livingston) "Like, with who?"
• (Greg Pitts) "Oh, let's see, uh -- Hell, Lumbergh f***ed her. Ha ha ha. Oh, let me see who else --"

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