Noises Off (film) Quotes

Noises Off (film) is a television show that first aired in 1970 . Noises Off completed its run in 1970.

It features Frank Marshall (film producer) as producer, Roy Budd in charge of musical score, and Tim Suhrstedt as head of cinematography.

Noises Off (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Noises Off (film) is 103 minutes long. Noises Off (film) is distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.

The cast includes: Carol Burnett as Dotty, Michael Caine as Lloyd, Marilu Henner as Belinda, John Ritter as Gary, Christopher Reeve as Frederick, Julie Hagerty as Poppy, Mark Linn-Baker as Tim, Denholm Elliott as Selsdon, Nicollette Sheridan as Brooke, and Mark Linn-Baker as All.

Noises Off (film) Quotes

Carol Burnett as Dotty

• (Carol Burnett) "Lucky I can't see far with this leg."

• (Carol Burnett) "And I take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines."
• (Michael Caine) "You leave the sardines and you hang up the phone."
• (Carol Burnett) "Yes, right. I hang up the phone."
• (Michael Caine) "And you leave the sardines."
• (Carol Burnett) "I leave the sardines?"
• (Michael Caine) "You leave the sardines."
• (Carol Burnett) "I hang up the phone and I leave the sardines?"
• (Michael Caine) "Right."
• (Carol Burnett) "We've changed that, have we, dear?"
• (Michael Caine) "No, dear --"
• (Carol Burnett) "That's what I've always been doing?"
• (Michael Caine) "I wouldn't say that, Dotty my precious."
• (Carol Burnett) "Well, how about the words, dear, am I getting some of them right?"
• (Michael Caine) "Some of them have a very familiar ring."

• (Carol Burnett) "I've just come for me sardines."
• (John Ritter) "Well, I'm sorry, I thought there was no one here."
• (Carol Burnett) "I'm not here. I don't know where I am."
• (John Ritter) "I'm from the agency."
• (Carol Burnett) "Lost the phone now."
• (John Ritter) "Squire, Squire, Hackem and Dudley."
• (Carol Burnett) "Never lost the phone before."
• (John Ritter) "I'm Tramplemain."
• (Carol Burnett) "I know, I'll just put it up here in case anyone wants it, look."
• (John Ritter) "Oh, right, thanks. No, no, I just dropped in to go into a few things; well, to check some of the measurements; do one or two odd jobs."
• (Carol Burnett) "Now the plate's gone."
• (John Ritter) "Oh, and a client: I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house."
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "What's wrong with this door?"
• (John Ritter) "She's thinking of renting it, her interest is definitely aroused."
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "That's not the bedroom."
• (John Ritter) "The bedroom? No, no, no, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC suite. And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crocket."
• (Carol Burnett) "Sardines. Here, sardines."
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "Oh, hi."
• (John Ritter) "She's not really here."
• (Carol Burnett) "You stepped on 'em."

• (Carol Burnett) "Who the hell are you?"
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "I'm Phillip."
• (Carol Burnett) "What happened to you?"

• (Carol Burnett) "Sardines. I've forgotten the sardines --"
• (Carol Burnett) "No I 'aven't; I 'aven't forgotten the sardines. I remembered the sardines. Well, what a surprise; I guess I'll just go into the kitchen and fix some more sardines to celebrate."

• (Carol Burnett) "Now I've lost the newspaper."
• (Michael Caine) "Sardines."
• (John Ritter) "I'm sorry about this."
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "That's all right. We don't want the television, do we?"
• (Michael Caine) "SARDINES."
• (Carol Burnett) "I forgot the sardines."

• (Carol Burnett) "You haven't hurt himself, have you?"

John Ritter as Gary

• (John Ritter) "Lloyd, let me just say one thing, since we've stopped. I've worked with a lotta directors, Lloyd. Some of them were geniuses, some of them were bastards. But I've never met one who was so totally and absolutely -- I don't know."
• (Michael Caine) "Thank you Gary, I'm very touched. Now will you get off the f***ing stage?"

• (John Ritter) "Is there anyone else in the house. Mrs. Clackett?"
• (Carol Burnett) "I ain't seen no one, dear."
• (John Ritter) "Well, I-I thought I heard boxes -- I mean I found these voices."
• (Carol Burnett) "Voices? There's no voices 'ere, Love."
• (John Ritter) "I must've imagined it."
• (Christopher Reeve) "Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d."
• (John Ritter) "I beg your pardon?"
• (Carol Burnett) "Oh my Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d."
• (John Ritter) "Why, what is it?"

Michael Caine as Lloyd

• (Michael Caine) "What's the line, Freddy?"
• (Christopher Reeve) "I've heard of people getting stuck with the problem --"
• (Michael Caine) "stuck with the problem."
• (Christopher Reeve) "stuck with the problem?"
• (Michael Caine) "stuck with the problem."
• (Christopher Reeve) "I've heard of people getting stuck with the problem, but this is ridiculous."

• (Michael Caine) "I'm just God, Belinda, love. I'm just the one with the English degree. I don't know anything."

• (Michael Caine) "I don't know what you're waiting for. Her eighteenth birthday?"

• (Michael Caine) "You hang up the phone, you leave the sardines, and you got out with the NEWSPAPER."

• (Michael Caine) "Like the band playing on as the Titanic sank."

• (Unnamed) "Curtains going up. Curtains going -- up. Curtains going up."
• (Michael Caine) "A big Broadway opening. Everybody who's anybody in New York is inside this theater tonight. Everybody but one man. This man; ME."

• (Michael Caine) "What the f*** is going on?"
• (Marilu Henner) "Lloyd."
• (Christopher Reeve) "Holy cow."
• (Julie Hagerty) "I didn't know you were here."
• (Michael Caine) "I'm not. I'm in New York. But I can't sit out there and listen to two minutes, three minutes, one minute, two minutes."
• (Marilu Henner) "Lloyd. We're having big dramas back here."
• (Michael Caine) "We're having big dramas out there. This is a matinee, Love. There are senior citizens out there. "The curtain will rise in three minutes," we all start for the gents. "The curtain will rise in one minute," we all start running out again. We don't know which way we're going."

• (Michael Caine) "On we blindly stumble."

• (Michael Caine) "WHAT THE f*** IS GOING ON?"

• (Michael Caine) "Right, from Belinda and Freddy's entrance."
• (Michael Caine) "Oh my God, what's happened now?"
• (Julie Hagerty) "The police."
• (Michael Caine) "The police?"
• (Julie Hagerty) "They found an old man lying unconscious in the doorway just across the street --"
• (Michael Caine) "Oh, yes, thank you."
• (Julie Hagerty) "-- and they say he's very dirty and pretty smelly --"
• (Michael Caine) "Yes, thank you, Po --"
• (Julie Hagerty) "-- and I thought, "oh my God," because-because when you get close to Selsdon --"
• (Marilu Henner) "Poppy."
• (Julie Hagerty) "-- no, no, I mean, if you stand anywhere near Selsdon, you can't help noticing this very distinctive --"
• (Denholm Elliott) "I'll tell you something, Poppy. Once you get it in your nostrils, you never forget it. Sixty years now, and the smell of the theatre still haunts me."
• (Marilu Henner) "Bless him."

• (Michael Caine) "I'm not running away. I'm just not the kind of person who gets a kick out of watching an automobile crash, particularly when it's my automobile. It's gonna be the worst catastrophe Broadway has ever seen. They're gonna forget their lines, the set will fall down. None of us will get out of New York alive; they've got big pictures of us in the lobby. I'll get on a plane. I should've got on a plane when we first opened in Des Moines. I should've got on a plane before we opened in Des Moines. I should've got on a plane at the dress rehearsal. As soon as that curtain went up at the beginning of act one. As soon as that damn phone rang and Dotty came on with that first plate of sardines."

• (Michael Caine) "Think of the first night as the dress rehearsal. If we can just get through the play once tonight; for doors and sardines. That's what it's all about, doors and sardines. Getting on, getting off. Getting the sardines on, getting the sardines off. That's farce. That's; that's the theatre. That's life."
• (Marilu Henner) "God, Lloyd, you're so deep."

• (Michael Caine) "I've been working on Hamlet for the past six weeks."
• (Carol Burnett) "Do you think he needs working on more than we do?"

• (Michael Caine) "I've got to get the 8:40 to New York."
• (Julie Hagerty) "Ah. House of heavenly peace. I rent it."
• (Carol Burnett) "Oh. It's the other one. And in her wedding dress."
• (Marilu Henner) "Yes, yes, it's their wedding day."
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Oh."
• (Marilu Henner) "What a happy ending -- to the -- to the first act --. Of their new life together. And they just want to be alone in their new home -- if only someone would pull the shades."
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Come in?"
• (Carol Burnett) "Oh, and it's the mother of the bride."
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Go out?"
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Pull the shades."
• (Denholm Elliott) "Last line?"
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Last line."
• (Denholm Elliott) "I'll tell you one thing, Vicky."
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "What's that, Dad?"
• (Denholm Elliott) "When all around is strife and uncertainty, there's nothing like an old fashioned plate of, uh -- curtain."

• (Michael Caine) "Brooke?"
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "Yes?"
• (Michael Caine) "Are you in?"
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "In?"
• (Michael Caine) "Are you there?"
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "What?"
• (Michael Caine) "You're out. Okay. I'll call again."

• (Michael Caine) "And God said, "Where the Hell is Tim?" And there the Hell was Tim. And God said, "Let there be doors that open when they open, and close when they close.""
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Do something?"
• (Michael Caine) "Doors."
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "I was getting the bananas for the sardines."
• (Michael Caine) "DOORS."
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Doors?"
• (Michael Caine) "I bet God had a stage manager who understood English, too."

• (Michael Caine) "Don't fall down, Tim. We may not be insured."

• (Michael Caine) "Tim, let me tell you about my life in the Big Apple. I have Hamlet's ghost on the phone for an hour every evening after rehearsal complaining that Polonius is sucking sourballs through his speeches. Claudius is off every afternoon doing a soap, and Gertrude is off the entire week doing a commercial for Gallo wine. Hamlet himself, would you believe, has come down with a psychological problem. Then, last night, Brooke rings me to say that she's very unhappy here and she's got herself a doctor's certificate for nervous exhaustion. I haven't got the time to find and rehearse a new Vicky. I have just one afternoon, while Hamlet sees his shrink and Ophelia starts divorce proceedings, to cure Brooke of her nervous exhaustion with no medical aids, except a little whiskey; you've got the whiskey; a few flowers; you've got money for the flowers; and a certain fading bedside manner. So, I haven't come to the theater to hear about other people's probelms. I've come to be taken out of myself, and, preferably, not put back again."

• (Michael Caine) "As long as Dotty's happy."
• (Carol Burnett) "Absolutely happy, Lloyd dear."
• (Michael Caine) "Would you do something for me, then, Dotty, my precious?"
• (Carol Burnett) "Anything, Lloyd sweetheart."
• (Michael Caine) "Take the sardines off with you."

Nicollette Sheridan as Brooke

• (Nicollette Sheridan) "You can't even get the door open."
• (Michael Caine) "Hold it."
• (Christopher Reeve) "Yes, but this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off."
• (Michael Caine) "Hold it."
• (Christopher Reeve) "We've got the place entirely to ourselves."
• (Marilu Henner) "Look at it."
• (Michael Caine) "HOLD IT."
• (Michael Caine) "And God said HOLD IT."
• (Michael Caine) "And they held it. And God saw that it was TERRIBLE."
• (John Ritter) "Sorry, folks. The door won't open."
• (Marilu Henner) "Sorry, folks, this door won't close."
• (Michael Caine) "And God said, "POPPY.""
• (Christopher Reeve) "Sorry folks, am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid I am about doors."
• (Marilu Henner) "Freddy, darling, you're doing it perfectly."
• (Christopher Reeve) "As long as it wasn't me that broke it."
• (Michael Caine) "-- And there was Poppy. And God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch Tim to fix the doors.""

Marilu Henner as Belinda

• (Marilu Henner) "Poor Lloyd. He'll choke on his Gummi Bears."

Julie Hagerty as Poppy

• (Julie Hagerty) "Well, I'm sorry, but, you've got to hear, because I'm -- PREGNANT."
• (Michael Caine) "And curtain."

Denholm Elliott as Selsdon

• (Denholm Elliott) "Am I on?"
• (Marilu Henner) "No, no, no, no."
• (Carol Burnett) "No."
• (Denholm Elliott) "Oh, I thought I heard my voice."

• (Denholm Elliott) "So, what's next on the bill?"
• (Michael Caine) "Well, Selsdon, I thought we might try a spot of rehearsal."
• (Denholm Elliott) "Oh, I won't, thank you."
• (Michael Caine) "You won't?"
• (Denholm Elliott) "No, you all go ahead. I'll just sit and watch. This is the beer in the wardrobe, is it?"
• (Marilu Henner) "No, my dear, he wants us to rehearse."
• (Denholm Elliott) "Yes, but I think we gotta rehearse, haven't we?"
• (Michael Caine) "Rehearse. Yes, Selsdon. Well done. I knew you'd think of something."

• (Denholm Elliott) "A line? A prompt?"
• (Mark Linn-Baker) "Get the van loaded."

• (Denholm Elliott) "When I think, I used to do banks. When I remember, I used to do boullion vaults."

Christopher Reeve as Frederick

• (Christopher Reeve) "Alright, I see all that."
• (Michael Caine) "Oh no."
• (Christopher Reeve) "I just don't know why I take them."
• (Michael Caine) "Freddy love, why does anyone do anything? Why does that other idiot go out of the front door holding two plates of sardines? I mean, I-I'm not getting at you, love."
• (John Ritter) "Course not, Lloyd. I mean, why do I? I mean, Jesus, when you come to think about it, why do I?"
• (Michael Caine) "Who knows?"
• (John Ritter) "Who knows. You see, Freddy?"
• (Michael Caine) "The wellsprings of human action are deep and cloudy. Maybe something happened to you when you were a very, very, very small child that made you frightened to let go of groceries."
• (Marilu Henner) "Or it could be genetic."
• (John Ritter) "Yes, or it could be -- you know."
• (Michael Caine) "Could-could well be."
• (Christopher Reeve) "Of course, thank you. I understand all that, but --"
• (Michael Caine) "Freddy love, I'm telling you I don't know. I-I don't think the author knows. I don't know why the author came into this industry in the first place. I don't know why any of us came into it."
• (Christopher Reeve) "All the same, if you could just give me a reason I could keep in my mind."
• (Michael Caine) "Alright, I'll give you a reason then. You carry those groceries into the study, Freddy honey, because it's just slightly after midnight, and we're not going to be finished before we open tomorrow night; Correction. Before we open TONIGHT."

• (Christopher Reeve) "I'm sure he wouldn't. Not during a tech rehearsal."
• (Carol Burnett) "Half a chance, he would."
• (Nicollette Sheridan) "Would what?"
• (Michael Caine) "Glck. Glck. Glck."

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