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Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie Quotes

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie is a television program that first aired in 1970 . Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie ended its run in 1970.

It features Jim Mallon as producer, Billy Barber (musician) in charge of musical score, and Jeff Stonehouse as head of cinematography.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie is 74 minutes long. Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie is distributed by Universal Pictures; Gramercy Pictures.

The cast includes: Trace Beaulieu as Crow T. Robot, Jim Mallon as Exeter, Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo, Michael J. Nelson as Mike, John Brady as Benkitnorf, Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson, and Jim Mallon as Gypsy.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie Quotes

Trace Beaulieu as Crow T. Robot

  • (Trace Beaulieu) "This is a job for "Weenie man.""
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "The secret government Eggo Project."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Where's my gun?"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Into the weenie mobile, weenie man away."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Uh, is the manager here? Hello?"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) ""Service engine soon" I wonder what that's all about."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Goodbye to Noah Beery, Hello Harold Lloyyyyd --"
  • (Unnamed) ""Complete line of iterociter parts, incorporating greater advances than hitherto known in the field of electronics." What exactly is an iterociter?"
  • (Unnamed) "I don't know, and I don't want to know."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Just love me."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Hey. Who sneezed on the credits?"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Eat my photons, small heads."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "You killed the Hubble."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Well believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid -- and I went ahead anyway."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "This oughta kill them."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "C'mon. Give Uncle Scrotor a hug."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "They're very into "Yes" on this planet."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Hee hee."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "International flights always get the gate furthest from the terminal."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Remember, we're parked in the "Denubrian Slime Devil" lot."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Science and Industry."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "See big men sticking screw drivers into things; turning them; AND ADJUSTING THEM."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Build your very own Atom Storage Box."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Removes lids off bottles and jars of all sizes; and it really, really works."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks. Ah, here it is. "Breach Hull; All Die." Even had it underlined."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Wow this must be what its like inside a bong. Whehue."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Oh, I'm very vulnerable there. Oh, there go the piano lessons. I can't remember my dad."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Puppet wranglers? There weren't any puppets in this movie."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Shall I compare thee to a summers daaaaaaaa --"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Oh, my god. My waffle. Oh the humanity."
  • (Unnamed) "Check rate of radioactive decay."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around."
  • (Unnamed) "Here's something my wife could use in the house --"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "A man?"
  • (Unnamed) "-- an interositer incorporating an electron sorter."
  • (Unnamed) "She'll probably gain twenty pounds while it does all the work for her."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Cal, you bitch."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Oh, Carl."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Er, Cal."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Oh, Cal."
  • (Unnamed) "This isn't paper. It's some kind of metal."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Uh, no, that's paper, sir."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "They're forcing him to visit Branson, Missouri."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "G.I. Joe action set. Nerdy Joe not included."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "and now it's time for The Brack Show. Da da da-da-da DA. It's the Brack show. Staring me, I'm Brack."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Man, the universe is really cruisin'."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "And right underneath him the constellation feces."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Hey, look, Orion's broke."
  • (Unnamed) "You know what my kids would say?"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER?"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Nuts. It's Ted Kennedy in a Barney suit."

Jim Mallon as Exeter

  • (Jim Mallon) "Now place your hands above the rail"
  • (Jim Mallon) "-- they're magnetized."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "And if your hands were metal, that would mean something."
  • (Jim Mallon) "Into the converter tubes. Ruth, you take the first tube. Cal, you take the second."
  • (Unnamed) "What about you?"
  • (Jim Mallon) "I'll take the third tube."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Oh, right. Stupid question."
  • (Jim Mallon) "They're concentrating all their attention on Metaluna. Those flashes of light; they're meteors. Hundreds of them. The intense heat is turning Metaluna into a radioactive sun. The temperature must be thousands of degrees by now."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Cooler by the lake."
  • (Jim Mallon) "A lifeless planet. And yet --"
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Rents are reasonable."
  • (Jim Mallon) "Yet, still serving a useful purpose, I hope. Yes -- a sun, warming the surface of some other world; giving light to those who may need it."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) ""Still, your whole family died. That's a bummer, huh?""
  • (Jim Mallon) "Uh uh. No way. This is your dishwashing liquid. You soak in it."
  • (Unnamed) "What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?"
  • (Jim Mallon) "I'm afraid I don't know the chap."
  • (Kevin Murphy) ""I'm not an alien.""
  • (Jim Mallon) "My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course."
  • (Unnamed) "Our composer; he belongs to the world."
  • (Jim Mallon) "Yes, indeed."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) ""I'm not an alien.""
  • (Unnamed) "That dinner, Exeter, was even more perfect than you promised. Now if you'll excuse me, I could do with some fresh air myself."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "He's gonna get high."
  • (Unnamed) "Would you care to join me, Dr. Adams?"
  • (Kevin Murphy) ""Uh, no.""
  • (Unnamed) "You, Dr. Carlson?"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) ""Your turn to walk the Cal.""
  • (Jim Mallon) "Why don't you? Show him the grounds."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) ""I dare ya.""
  • (Jim Mallon) "We won't start cracking the whip on Meecham until tomorrow."
  • (Kevin Murphy) ""Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat, and lay my eggs in your chest. But I'm not an alien.""
  • (Jim Mallon) "Stand back -- I command you, stand back."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "ACTING."
  • (Jim Mallon) "He appears badly hurt; stay close to me."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Ahem "Guten Tag. Zigaretten? Wir wollen ein Auto mieten.""
  • (Unnamed) "Relocation? To where?"
  • (Unnamed) "To your Earth."
  • (Jim Mallon) "A PEACEFUL relocation --"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "After the genocide, of course."
  • (Jim Mallon) "I beg your pardon, Mr. Wilson, your camera will pick up nothing but black fog."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Oh, it's a Goldstar."
  • (Jim Mallon) "I won't ask you to condone what we've done --"
  • (Unnamed) "We condone it."

Michael J. Nelson as Mike

  • (Michael J. Nelson) "If I don't miss my guess, I think this has something to do with those white-haired fellows."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Eww, it's Michael Stipe's head."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "The Jetsons 2: After the Armageddon."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Geez, Dr. Forrester."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "What a dickweed."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "I'm your pilot, Claud Rains. Your co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Sort this, deliver that, I'll make 'em all pay."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Putting the men's room in the tower, what was I thinking?"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Yeah, let's slip awayy under cover of afternoon in the biggetst car in the county."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "I'm just gona drop you at the north pole, that okay?"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Eat at Joes Eat At Joes, Eat at Joes"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Crow."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Huh?"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Crow, listen, you've gotta stop."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Oh, hi, Mike. I've found the perfect spot. Once I've breached through this wall we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth. URG."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Crow, you big dope. You can't tunnel through space."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Come, come, boy. We must confound Gerry at every turn."
  • (Dr. Clayton Forrester) "Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me recently."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Sure we have; last week."
  • (Dr. Clayton Forrester) "No, no, no, I think that was more of a curtsey than a bow. So why don't we all just bow down now?"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "I don't see any reason to make us --"
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Bowing, sir."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Doesn't the fact that it's universal make it international?"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "So they worship the ever-lasting gobstopper?"
  • (Unnamed) "I have no control --"
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "I keep eating and eating."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose."

Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo

  • (Kevin Murphy) "When in California, be sure to visit beautiful --"
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Oh -- Hm --"
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Captain's log: a bunch of our ship fell off, and, nobody likes me."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Hope you like cyanide."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Well, it was pretty much me, Mike, who saved you."
  • (Trace Beaulieu) "Servo, you cried like Oksana Baiul."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "I never."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Left, right, left -- Left, right, left -- Ouch. A door."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "See, all rights are reserved, Callahan."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Yeah, but what about the rights of that little girl?"
  • (Kevin Murphy) "This isn't shot day-for-night. It's more like 4:30-for-5:15."
  • (Unnamed) "Run, Ruth, Run."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Brilliant strategy, thanks Napoleon."
  • (Unnamed) "You're too darned smart."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "And handsome."
  • (Unnamed) "I may just be the dumbest man who ever lived."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "No argument here."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Sort this, deliver that, I'll make them all pay."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Let go of my hand, Joe."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "NORMAL VIEW. NORMAL VIIEEEEW."
  • (Unnamed) "Good morning, Dr. Meecham."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Good morning, Voice."
  • (Unnamed) "Hope you slept well."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "'Cause it's time to die."
  • (Unnamed) "If there is any reason around here."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "What with all the shenanigans and goings-on."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a weather balloon."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "Just some swamp gas."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Ah, they're going 65, so they'll be there in 3 BILLION years --"
  • (Unnamed) "Cal. Pull up."
  • (Unnamed) "I can't. I'm too low."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "I got the blues, so bad, uh huh."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Captain's log: I've lost my toupee and girdle, and I can't leave my room."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Come on, you couple of single-stomach, micro-cephalic bilobes."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of Babylon 5."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Okay, let's see here -- Shatner, Shatner -- no, doesn't look like he's in this one; we're safe."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "EASTMAN. He came from the east, to do battle with the amazing RANDO."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Self cleaning mutant. Leaves only the fresh scent of pine."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "This Island Earth can be yours IF the price is right."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Well what kind of s***-hole planet is this?"
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Wow, that ringing. Now he knows what the world sounds like to Pete Townshend."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "I could've sworn we parked at the -- Oh s***."
  • (Kevin Murphy) "Crow you big dope, you can't tunnel through space."

John Brady as Benkitnorf

  • (John Brady) "Man, you guys scared the living daylights out of me."
  • (Michael J. Nelson) "It's working. Hey. Hi, is Exeter there?"
  • (John Brady) "Nah, him and Brack went down to Headbutt Days for Shelly. I gotta meet 'em in the beer tent in about fifteen minutes, so I gotta get going, 'kay?"
  • (Kevin Murphy) "No, wait. We're trapped in space. Can we use this thing to get back to Earth?"
  • (John Brady) "I don't know. Geez -- let's see, maybe this does something --"
  • (John Brady) "Crap. That's not it. Hang on --"
  • (John Brady) "Okay. Did you use the Intensifier Disc?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yes."
  • (John Brady) "Turn the controls 18 degrees to the left?"
  • (Unnamed) "Did that."
  • (John Brady) "Are you in Europe? Do you need an adapter?"
  • (Unnamed) "No."
  • (John Brady) "Well, look. I don't know anything about this thing. Maybe this does something --"
  • (John Brady) "Oops. That didn't work. Okay, well I'll be sure to tell Exeter to give you a call. Bye."

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