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My Cousin Vinny Quotes

My Cousin Vinny is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . My Cousin Vinny completed its run in 1970.

It features Dale Launer, and Paul Schiff as producer, Randy Edelman in charge of musical score, and Peter Deming as head of cinematography.

My Cousin Vinny is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of My Cousin Vinny is 119 minutes long. My Cousin Vinny is distributed by 20th Century Fox.

The cast includes: Marisa Tomei as Mona Lisa Vito, Ralph Macchio as Vinny Gambini, Fred Gwynne as Judge Chamberlain Haller, Marisa Tomei as Lisa, Paulene Myers as Constance Riley, Maury Chaykin as Mr. Tipton, Raynor Scheine as Ernie Crane, Mitchell Whitfield as Stan, Ralph Macchio as Bill, Chris Ellis as J.T., Joe Pesci as Vincent Gambini, Lou Walker as Grits Cook, Austin Pendleton as John Gibbons, Michael Simpson as Neckbrace, James Rebhorn as George Wilbur, and Bruce McGill as Sheriff Dean Farley.

My Cousin Vinny Quotes

Marisa Tomei as Lisa

  • (Marisa Tomei) "What name did you tell him?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Jerry Gallo."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Jerry Gallo. The big attorney."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yeah."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Think that was a smart move?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "His name was in the papers all last week."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yeah, I saw that."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "But you didn't actually read the articles."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "No."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Too bad."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Why's that?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "'Cause he's dead."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "What the fuck is going on here, Vinny? You fucking up this case or what?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's a procedure. I'm learning all this as I go along. I'm bound to fuck up a little."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "A little? You've been thrown in jail twice."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "You're goin' hunting?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "That's right."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Why are you going hunting? Shouldn't you be out preparing for court?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I was thinking last night. If only I knew what he knows, you know? If he'd let me look at his files; oh boy."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "I don't get it. What does getting to Trotter's files have anything to do with hunting?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, you know, two guys, out in the woods, guns, on the hunt. It's a bonding thing, you know; show him I'm one of the boys. He's not gonna let me look at his files, but maybe he'll relax enough to drop his guard so I can finesse a little information out of him."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What am I gonna wear?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "What are ya gonna hunt?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I don't know. He's got a lot of stuffed heads in his office."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Heads?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "What kinda heads?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I don't know, he's got a boar, a bear, a couple of deer."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Whoa. You're gonna shoot a deer?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I don't know. I suppose. I mean, I'm a man's man, I could go deer hunting."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eating, doe-eyed little deer."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Hey Lisa, I'm not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know. I mean, the guy will lose respect for me, would you rather have that?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What about these pants I got on, you think they're O.K.?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Oh."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water -- BAM. A fuckin bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Yeah, well, what are you, a fucking world traveler?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "What?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Nothing. You stick out like a sore thumb around here."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Me? What about you?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Oh yeah, you blend."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "I'm an out-of-work hairdresser."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "It doesn't."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Breakfast?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You think? Uh, good choice. Two."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Now, uh, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me -- what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "It's a bullshit question."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Does that mean that you can't answer it?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Impossible because you don't know the answer."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Nobody could answer that question."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a "expert witness"."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Can you answer the question?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "No, it is a trick question."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Why is it a trick question?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Watch this."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Well -- um -- she's acceptable, Your Honor."

Ralph Macchio as Vinny Gambini

  • (Ralph Macchio) "I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "You fucking shower, I'll get your fucking suit."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he's laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, "you know what? You'd be a good litigator." I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, I don't know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who's from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for $200, which she won. I'm here to collect."
  • (Chris Ellis) "How 'bout if I just kick your ass?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Oh, a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers; I'm a lawyer; we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect $200. Let me think -- I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you -- nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred."
  • (Chris Ellis) "Over my dead body."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You like to renegotiate as you go along, don't you? Well, here's my counter-offer -- Do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?"
  • (Chris Ellis) "In your dreams."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Oh, no, no -- in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?"
  • (Chris Ellis) "You kick the shit out of me."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yeah."
  • (Chris Ellis) "Yeah. You get the money."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "So, here are my options. Option A: I get my ass kicked, or Option B: I kick your ass and collect the 200. I think I'm gonna go with Option B: Kickin' your ass and collecting $200."
  • (Chris Ellis) "We're gonna fight now?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yeah. But first, show me the money."
  • (Chris Ellis) "I have it."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You have it, then show it to me."
  • (Chris Ellis) "I can get it."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You can get it? Okay, get it. Then we'll fight."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "My clients --"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "What are you wearing?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Huh?"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "What are you wearing?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Um -- I'm wearing clothes."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I -- I don't get the question."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I apologise, sir, but, uh -- this is how I dress."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Fine. I'll let you off this one time. The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of -- cloth. You understand me?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Uh -- yes. Fine, Judge, fine."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Mr. Gambini?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yes, sir?"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "That is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Thank you, Your Honor."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Overruled."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I won my first case, you know what this means --"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Yeah, you think I'm gonna marry you."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What, now you're not gonna marry me?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "No way. You can't even win a case by yourself, you're fuckin' useless."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "Some of them do."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?"
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "The magician with the ponytail?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him. It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You were serious about that?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "We should get tuna."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "Please, no more tuna."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "It has protein, we need protein."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "Beans have protein."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Beans make you fart."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "We got a convertible."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Is it possible the two defendants entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave. Then two different men drive up in a similar;"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Don't shake your head, I'm not done yet. Wait till you hear the whole thing, so you can understand this, now. Two different men drive up in a similar-looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him, and then leave?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "No. They didn't have enough time."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, how much time was they in the store?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "Five minutes."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Five minutes? Are you sure? Did you look at your watch?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "No."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store, and you had just begun to make breakfast. You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right, I'm sorry. So, obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast."
  • (Maury Chaykin) "That's right."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Right, so you knew that. Uh, do you remember what you had?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "Eggs and grits."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy or al dente?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "Just regular, I guess."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Regular. Instant grits?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "No self-respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits, when it takes the entire grit-eating world twenty minutes?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "I don't know. I'm a fast cook, I guess."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I'm sorry, I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you. Did you say you were a fast cook? That's it?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than on any place on the face of the earth?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "I don't know."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?"
  • (Hotel Clerk) "No, sir, it's very unusual."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning."
  • (Hotel Clerk) "I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What's the matter with you?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "I don't know."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You're acting like you're nervous or something."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Well, yeah. I am."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You left me a little camera, didn't you?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Oh, Vinny. I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "And?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Well, I hate to bring it up, because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, TEN YEARS LATER, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "TICKING LIKE THIS and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, AND a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "BIOLOGICAL CLOCK; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Hey, how ya doin'?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Mr. Crane, what are these pictures of?"
  • (Raynor Scheine) "My house and stuff."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "House and stuff. And what is this brown stuff on your window?"
  • (Raynor Scheine) "Dirt."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Dirt. And what is this rusty, dusty, dirty-looking thing that's covering your window?"
  • (Raynor Scheine) "That's a screen."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "A screen. It's a screen. And what are these really big things that are right in the middle of your view of the Sac-o-Suds and your kitchen window, what do we call these big things?"
  • (Raynor Scheine) "Trees?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Trees, that's right. Don't be afraid, just shout 'em right out when you know 'em. And what are these thousands of little things that are on trees?"
  • (Raynor Scheine) "Leaves."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "And these big bushy things between the trees."
  • (Raynor Scheine) "Bushes."
  • (Raynor Scheine) "Bushes. So, Mr. Crane, you can positively identify the defendants, for a moment of two seconds, looking through this dirty window, this crud-covered screen, all of these trees, with all of these leaves on them, and I don't know how many bushes."
  • (Raynor Scheine) "Looks like five."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Uh, uh, uh, don't forget this one and this one."
  • (Raynor Scheine) "Seven bushes."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Seven bushes. So, what do you think? Isn't it possible you just saw two guys in a green convertible and not necessarily these two particular guys?"
  • (Raynor Scheine) "I suppose."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I'm finished with this guy."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You're fucked. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct? -- Is that correct?"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Would you please answer the counselor's question?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "No, I hate him."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Do you two know each other?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yeah, she's my fiancée."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Well, that would certainly explain the hostility."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What's this over here?"
  • (Lou Walker) "You never heard of grits?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Sure, I've heard of grits. I just never actually seen a grit before."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?"
  • (James Rebhorn) "Very impressive."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "She's cute too, huh?"
  • (James Rebhorn) "Yes, very."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Mr. Gambini --"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Sorry, Your Honor."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Hello?"
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "You did good out there today, Yankee. I like the competition. You like competition, too? Makes things kinds fun, doesn't it?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I'm enjoying myself so far."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Well, I got a little surprise for you tomorrow."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What is it? You know you have to disclose all of your evidence to me before presenting it at trial."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "I just got it myself tonight. I'll disclose it first thing in the morning. The Judge is gonna have to admit it."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Should I be worried?"
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "I sure would be if I were you."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Hey, Honey. Where'd you read about all that disclosure shit?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Here, let me show ya. Why?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Mr. Tipton. When you viewed the defendants walking from their car into the Sac-o-Suds, what angle was your point of view?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "They was kinda walking toward me when they entered the store."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "And when they left, what angle was your point of view?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "They was kinda walking away from me."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "So would you say you got a better shot of them goin' in and not so much comin' out?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "You could say that."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I did say that. Would you say that?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Right."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Let me show you something."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody; I mean nobody; pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Mrs. Riley, when you saw the defendants were you wearing your glasses?"
  • (Paulene Myers) "Yes, I was."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Would you mind putting your glasses on for us, please?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Whoa. How long you been wearing glasses?"
  • (Paulene Myers) "Since I was 6."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Have they always been that thick."
  • (Paulene Myers) "No. They've gotten thicker over the years."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "So, as your eyes become more and more out of whack, as you've gotten older, how many levels of thickness have you gone through?"
  • (Paulene Myers) "I don't know, over 60 years, maybe 10 times."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Maybe you're ready for a thicker set."
  • (Paulene Myers) "Oh no. I think they're okay."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You sure? Let's check it out."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "How far away were the defendants when when you saw them enterin' the Sac-o-Suds?"
  • (Paulene Myers) "About 100 feet."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "A hundred feet."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Would you mind holding this, please?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "All right, this is 50 feet, that's half the distance."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "How many fingers am I holding up?"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Let the record know that the counsler is holding up 2 fingers."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Hey, your honor please, huh?"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Oh, sorry."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Now. Mrs. Riley, and only Mrs. Riley."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "How many fingers am I holding up now?"
  • (Paulene Myers) "4."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What do you think now dear?"
  • (Paulene Myers) "Thinkin' of gettin' thicker glasses."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "This fucking jacket."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "So?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, did you use the faucet?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Yeah."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Then why didn'tcha turn it off?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "I DID turn it off."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off AND drip at the same time?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Maybe it's broken."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Is that what you're saying? It's broken?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Yeah. That's it, it's broken."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You sure?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "I'm positive."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "I twisted it just right."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "How could you be so sure?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10 to 16 foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Well, in that case, how can you be sure THAT's accurate?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state AND federal Department of Weights and Measures -- to be dead on balls accurate."
  • (Marisa Tomei) "Here's the certificate of validation."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Dead on balls accurate?"
  • (Marisa Tomei) "It's an industry term."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I guess the fucking thing is broken."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "How the fuck did I get into this shit?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Excuse me, you guys down here hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What the fuck is that?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Uh -- everything that guy just said is bullshit -- Thank you."
  • (D.A. Jim Trotter) "Objection. Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement -- with the exception of "thank you" -- will be stricken from the record."

Mitchell Whitfield as Stan

  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "The laws are medieval down here. Do you know what the minimum age for execution is in Alabama?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What, sixteen?"
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "Ten."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "You're fired."
  • (Mitchell Whitfield) "I want HIM."

Fred Gwynne as Judge Chamberlain Haller

  • (Fred Gwynne) "Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Your Honor, my clients --"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Don't talk to me sitting in that chair."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "But he --"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "told me to sit here."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Mr. Gambini, the next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. I don't want to hear any facts or evidence. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat to speak. Now, how do your clients plead?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "I think I get the point."
  • (Fred Gwynne) "No, I don't think you do. Now you're officially in contempt of court. Would you like to say something else and go for two counts of contempt of court?"
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Not guilty?"
  • (Fred Gwynne) "Thank you. Not guilty plea has been entered for the record. Probable cause hearing will begin tomorrow at noon. Bail for both defendants will be set at $200,000. Oh and bailiff, take Mr. Gambini into custody with them -- and set his bail at $200 for one count of contempt of court."

Chris Ellis as J.T.

  • (Chris Ellis) "Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "What is it?"
  • (Chris Ellis) "$200."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Bring it here, let me see it."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?"
  • (Chris Ellis) "It's two hundred bucks."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Fan it out, show it to me."
  • (Ralph Macchio) "Yeah, right."
  • (Chris Ellis) "Hey there, little Yankee wuss. Look here, got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?"

Joe Pesci as Vincent Gambini

  • (Joe Pesci) "Okay, you're helping. We'll use your pictures. Ah. These are gonna be; you know, I'm sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room, right? That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind. And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here's a good one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? Where'd you shoot this, from up in a tree? What's this over here? It's dog shit. Dog shit. That's great. Dog shit, what a clue. Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific. I should've asked you along time ago for these pictures. Holy shit, you got it, honey. You did it. The case cracker, me in the shower. Ha ha. I love this. That's it."

Austin Pendleton as John Gibbons

  • (Austin Pendleton) "Mr. Tipton, I see you wear glasses."
  • (Maury Chaykin) "Yes I do."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "Could you show those glasses to the court, please? Okay, now were you wearing them that day?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "No."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "Uh huh. You see? You were fifty feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification and-and-and-and-and-and-and YET, you were not wearing your necessary, prescription eye glasses."
  • (Maury Chaykin) "They're reading glasses."
  • (Austin Pendleton) "Um Mr., Um -- Could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?"
  • (Maury Chaykin) "Brown and hazel green."

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