(Article is below...)

Murder by Death Quotes

Murder by Death is a TV program that first aired in 1970 . Murder by Death completed its run in 1970.

It features Ray Stark as producer, Dave Grusin in charge of musical score, and David M. Walsh as head of cinematography.

Murder by Death is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Murder by Death is 94 minutes long. Murder by Death is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

Murder by Death Quotes

  • (Sam Diamond) "No pinkies? You mean Twain has only got eight fingers?"
  • (Tess Skeffington) "No, no, he's got ten. He just doesn't have any pinkies."
  • (Lionel Twain) "I trust you've all been made comfortable?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Comfortable, Mr. Twain? You call poisoned wine and near decapitation comfortable?"
  • (Lionel Twain) "No. I call it inspiration."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Oh, there, voice come from cow on wall --"
  • (Lionel Twain) "Moose, moose, you imbecile."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?"
  • (Jessica Marbles) "I smell gas."
  • (Miss Withers) "I can't help it, I'm old."
  • (Jessica Marbles) "No, not that kind of gas. The kind that kills."
  • (Miss Withers) "Well, sometimes my gas --"
  • (Milo Perrier) "Be quiet everyone. I smell something. It's; Good God.; FRANKS AND BEANS."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "I'm afraid that's all we have, sir."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Shut up, all of ya's. Nobody move."
  • (Dick Charleston) "What is it?"
  • (Sam Diamond) "I have to go to the can again. I don't wanna miss nothin'."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Quiet, please. Observe strange sounds."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Good God. The face. It's coming from the face."
  • (Dick Charleston) "The victim of that tribal ritual, actually going through his final moments of death. What could it mean?"
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "It means dinner is ready, sir. We have no gong."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Conversation like television set on honeymoon: unnecessary."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Mr. Twain has macabre sense of humor, yes?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Big house like man married to fat woman: hard to get around."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "I'm scared, Sam. Hold me."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Hold yourself. I'm busy."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Butler only killed to divert us from real murder still to come."
  • (Sidney Wang) "What meaning of this, Mr. Twain?"
  • (Lionel Twain) "I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if YOU can tell ME why a man who possesses one of the most brilliant minds of this century can't say his prepositions or articles. "What IS THE," Mr. Wang. "What IS THE meaning of this?""
  • (Sidney Wang) "That what I said. "What meaning of this?""
  • (Tess Skeffington) "His mother was a Roman Catholic, his father was an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the marriage."
  • (Sidney Wang) ""I think butler is dead. My name is Yetta. I don't work Thursdays.""
  • (Dora Charleston) "Is he dead?"
  • (Sam Diamond) "With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "What do you make of all this, Wang?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Is confusing."
  • (Dora Charleston) "I hope he knows how to stop that thing."
  • (Sidney Wang) "I think butler is dead. My name is Yetta, I don't work Thursdays."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Ask her if she sleeps in, Dickie."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "Good evening. We have been expecting you."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Yes, but in what condition?"
  • (Lionel Twain) "That drives me crazy."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Sounds like a short ride to me."
  • (Sam Diamond) "The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France."
  • (Marcel) "I will tell everyone that you wear a toupee."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "They already know."
  • (Marcel) "Then why do you wear it?"
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "I didn't know that you knew."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "Forgive me, but I was talking about patricide, not uncle-cide."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Never consider murder to be business, Mr. Diamond."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Maybe I'm just a patsy being set up take the fall, but I'm not falling for any o'yous, you understand?"
  • (Tess Skeffington) "Not even me, Sam?"
  • (Sam Diamond) "Why don't you fall in love with the Jap kid and get off my back?"
  • (Unnamed) "-- I say, old boy. Could you possibly give us directions to; Hello, it's Mr. Sidney Wang."
  • (Unnamed) "Greetings, Mr. Wang."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Ah, greetings to you as well. You have something to ask, I believe. Directions to where?"
  • (Unnamed) "Ah, yes. We've been "cordially invited to dinner and a murder," by a Mr. Lionel Twain."
  • (Willie Wang) "Lionel Twain? Listen, you guys don't wanna --."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Never mind him, please. Here; you go up this road, past bridge to "22 Twain." No can miss it."
  • (Unnamed) "Ever so much obliged. Good day, then."
  • (Willie Wang) "I don't get it, Pop. Why didn't you just tell them it was all a ripoff?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Ah, let idiots find out for themselves. Drive, please."
  • (Willie Wang) "Holy Shanghai."
  • (Lionel Twain) "Aha, stumped already. Need some clues, Monsieur Perrier?"
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "Clues? I need no clues from you. I find my own clues, you demented lollipop."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "Ten people for dinner and I'm serving them hot nothing. You can't get good help today."
  • (Milo Perrier) "No, no, it's all right. My wine is not poisoned. It was just a bad year."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentlemen. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?"
  • (Tess Skeffington) "I don't care about the money, Sam."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Neither do I."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Locked, from the inside. That can only mean one thing. And I don't know what it is."
  • (Sidney Wang) "No pulse, no heartbeat. If condition does not change, this man is dead."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "Oh, Yes. As you can see, I can see."
  • (Sidney Wang) "So I see."
  • (Dick Charleston) "My wife Dora. Inspector Perrier."
  • (Milo Perrier) "Très charmant."
  • (Dora Charleston) "I'm sorry. Our room is so dusty."
  • (Milo Perrier) "My fault. I should have blown first."
  • (Willie Wang) "I don't think I'm gonna make it, Pop. It's gonna collapse."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Don't worry. Father find other way to house."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "Sam, why do you keep all those naked muscle men magazines in your office?"
  • (Sam Diamond) "Suspects. Always looking for suspects."
  • (Willie Wang) "I don't hear nothin'. What do you hear?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Double negative, and dog."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "My feet are killing me. Why didn't you tell me we needed oil before I went back for gas?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Marvin Metzlah."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Sh, sh, sh. Cow talk again."
  • (Milo Perrier) "What do you make of all of this, Wang?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Is confusing."
  • (Lionel Twain) "IT. IT is confusing. Say your god**** pronouns."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Dickie, don't. You know how I get when you touch me there."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Me, darling? I've got my hands in my pockets."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I'm afraid they're my pockets."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Oh, sorry about that."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Dickie, behave yourself."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "There's nothing on him 'til '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas, for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel."
  • (Dora Charleston) "What a godforsaken spot to get lost."
  • (Dick Charleston) "I'm sure I saw a much better spot a few miles back."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Wouldn't you know, out of gas."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "I saw a station about five miles back, Sam."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Another diversion. He gives us meaningless clues to confuse us, dangles red herrings before our eyes, bedazzles us with bizarre banalities, while all the time precious seconds are ticking away towards a truly terrible murder still to come."
  • (Sam Diamond) "You're good, Charleston. You're not my kind of cop, but you're smart and you smell good. You're not a pansy, I know that, but what the hell are ya?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Classy, I suppose."
  • (Lionel Twain) "You've tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us all with surprise endings that made no sense. You've introduced characters in the last five pages that were never in the book before. You've withheld clues and information that made it impossible for us to guess who did it. But now, the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers are now getting their revenge. When the world learns I've outsmarted you, they'll be selling your $1.95 books for twelve cents."
  • (Lionel Twain) "No wives. I refuse to discuss this with wives."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I was in disguise in disguise in disguise. You work hard for fifty bucks a day in this racket."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Did you see that?"
  • (Willie Wang) "No."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Neither did I."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Did ya ever make it with a waitress?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "I beg your your pardon?"
  • (Sam Diamond) "A waitress. Big, fat waitress. I don't know what them society dames are like in the kit, but you ain't never had it 'til you made it with a big, fat, blondie waitress. If you're ever interested, you give me a call."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "She murdered herself in her sleep, sir."
  • (Dick Charleston) "You mean suicide?"
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "Oh no, it was murder, all right. Mrs. Twain HATED herself."
  • (Sam Diamond) "If you ask me, anybody that offers a million bucks to solve a crime that ain't been committed yet has lost a lot more upstairs than his hair."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "Everything here has been rented for tonight. The butler, the cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything."
  • (Jessica Marbles) "You mean --"
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "Yes. This entire murder has been -- catered."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "He had one daughter, thirty-two, her name's Irene, but she calls herself Rita."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Just like a dame."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "I don't like it. I don't like it one bit."
  • (Sidney Wang) "I like it, but do not understand it."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?"
  • (Tess Skeffington) "Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you --"
  • (Sam Diamond) "All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it."
  • (Willie Wang) "Who do you think is the murderer?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Must sleep on it. Will know in morning when wake up."
  • (Willie Wang) "But what if you don't wake up?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Then YOU did it."
  • (Sidney Wang) "It is late, and my eyes are getting tired."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I thought they always looked like that."
  • (Jessica Marbles) "Knock it off, Sam."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Um -- thank you."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Where were ya Wang, we was worried."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I was working on a case. Working."
  • (Tess Skeffington) "Every night for six months?"
  • (Sam Diamond) "Now, if one of you gentlemen would be so kind as to give my lady friend here a glass of cheap white wine, I'm going down the hall to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, I forget to go."
  • (Miss Withers) "Murderpoo?"
  • (Jessica Marbles) "Yes, dear, we're going to have a lovely murderpoo."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Have admired you ever since I was tiny little detective."
  • (Sam Diamond) "Stop that. Stop that, I said."
  • (Dick Charleston) "What is it, Diamond?"
  • (Sam Diamond) "The nurse is giving my palm the finger, the dirty old broad."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "I prefer to be called -- Rita."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Bizarre little twit."
  • (Sidney Wang) "And you Mr. Charleston, did not approve of Mrs. Charleston dying her hair blond?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "What do you mean?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Mrs. Charleston's hair red. You have blond hairs on shoulder. This means she has dyed red hair blond, then back again to red, or else you have been -- So sorry, Wang is wrong."
  • (Milo Perrier) "He's gone."
  • (Jessica Marbles) "Who's gone?"
  • (Milo Perrier) "The butler. Here's the key."
  • (Sidney Wang) "If butler gone, where you find key?"
  • (Milo Perrier) "In his pocket."
  • (Jessica Marbles) "What pocket?"
  • (Milo Perrier) "The butler's pocket."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Butler gone but pocket still there?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "This dust is baking flour. And those cobwebs. Candied sugar. All placed here recently for the sole purpose of frightening us. And that mouse. Obviously a mechanical toy."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Silly."
  • (Dora Charleston) "What is?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "I am. It's real."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Someone gone great trouble to make welcome guests not so welcome. Ring bell, please."
  • (Willie Wang) "Are you nuts, Pop? Someone's tryin' to KILL us."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Yes. Should make exciting weekend. Ring, please."
  • (Willie Wang) "I sure wish it was Monday morning."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Where's my Dickie?"
  • (Dora Charleston) "Sorry. Where's my husband?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Sounded as though somebody snipped the wire."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Really? What did it sound like?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Snip."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Oh, that's probably the cook. Come in."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Darling, the poor woman is stone deaf."
  • (Dora Charleston) "I'm sorry, I forgot. COME IN."
  • (Dick Charleston) "-- Just as I thought: another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am ENORMOUSLY well-bred."
  • (Sam Diamond) "-- Lucky it wasn't me, or I'd be chopped liver by now."
  • (Willie Wang) "Why do I do all the dirty work, Pop?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "'Cause your mother not here to do it."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Look at invitation. What number of house?"
  • (Willie Wang) "2 -- 2 --"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Correct. 22 Twain's"
  • (Sidney Wang) "house. Continue."
  • (Jessica Marbles) "I'm not one to use hyperbole, ladies and gentlemen but I'll tell you this, for the first time in my life I had the caca scared out of me."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Dickie, I like her I really like her."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "Tell me, as the only survivor, how did you deduce it was me?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Went back to theory seldom used today: Butler did it."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Answer simple, but question very hard."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Now let's see what we have here. We have one missing, dead, naked butler, one host with a butcher's knife in his back, and one poisonous scorpion crawling up our sheets."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Is that what that is?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Yes. They can kill instantly. I suggest we don't move."
  • (Dora Charleston) "For how long?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Quite possibly for the rest of our lives."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Up there, Dora, look; a blind butler."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Don't let him park the car, Dickie."
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "May I get your bags, sir?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Oh, no, no. Son will get bags. That is why I adopted him."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Room filled with empty people."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Quickly. Go back in kitchen, get dining room key from pocket of dead butler."
  • (Milo Perrier) "You don't have to say "dead butler." It's bad enough I have to put my hand in his pocket."
  • (Sam Diamond) "My hat's off to the man with the shiv in his back. Except for the fact that he's dead, he was no dope."
  • (Willie Wang) "-- I don't get something, Pop: WAS there a murder, or WASN'T there?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Yes: Killed good weekend. Drive, please."
  • (Dick Charleston) "-- You know something, darling? I smell crime in the air."
  • (Dora Charleston) "I'm not surprised. You just ran over a small animal."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Did I? Oh, sorry about that -- LOOK OUT."
  • (Dick Charleston) "-- Hello out there. Are you hurt?"
  • (Tess Skeffington) "-- Oh, I'm fine; I just hiked five miles back this way from the gas station. Thank Heavens you saw me when you did."
  • (Dick Charleston) "Oh yes, I wouldn't want blood on my hands twice in one night. Well, keep to the side of the road."
  • (Jessica Marbles) "Good God. What an entrance."
  • (Milo Perrier) "One moment, where is the soup?"
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "In your dish, sir."
  • (Milo Perrier) "There is nothing in my dish but my dish."
  • (Lionel Twain) "In need of a hint Miss Marbles? You all mistake what you assume. THEY NEVER LEFT THE DINING ROOM. Count the numbers one to ten, turn the knob and try again."
  • (Lionel Twain) "How do I look so young? Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet, twelve hours sleep a night, and lots and lots of makeup."
  • (Sam Diamond) "You say you know who's going to get it?"
  • (Lionel Twain) "Intimately."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "And you know how the crime is to be committed?"
  • (Lionel Twain) "Definitely."
  • (Sidney Wang) "And exactly what time murder to take place?"
  • (Lionel Twain) "The murder. Precisely."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Excuse me, I was wondering if you've seen a white -- Wang."
  • (Willie Wang) "A white wang?"
  • (Willie Wang) "Here's the bridge, Pop. Doesn't look safe to me."
  • (Sidney Wang) "One way to find out. Drive across."
  • (Willie Wang) "Aren't you gonna come with me?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "Weight of two men may be too much for bridge."
  • (Willie Wang) "Then why do I get to drive the car?"
  • (Sidney Wang) "'Cause I smart enough to get out first."
  • (Sidney Wang) "What that?"
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "Oh, it's nothing, sir. Just the cat."
  • (Sidney Wang) "That cat? You feed cat dog food?"
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "I'm afraid he's a very angry cat, sir. Mr. Twain had him "fixed," and he didn't want to be."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "Since we cannot call for a doctor, I will need a cold compress for my chaffeur, and a cup of hot chocolate for me, n'est ce pa?"
  • (Jamesir Bensonmum) "I don't think we have any Nespa, sir. Just Hershey's."
  • (Dick Charleston) "How lovely dear. We're in Wang's wing."
  • (Milo Perrier) "Open my door."
  • (Marcel) "You have chocolate on your face."
  • (Milo Perrier) "What?"
  • (Marcel) "Ze candy bar. It is all over your face."
  • (Milo Perrier) "Imbecile. That's my moustache."
  • (Marcel) "Lick it and see."
  • (Milo Perrier) "Wipe it off. My hands are sticky."
  • (Marcel) "Hold still please -- Sloppy."
  • (Sam Diamond) "The lady here in the rented dress is my secretary and mistress, Miss Tess Skeffington."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Great Scott Mr. Wang, you've saved our lives."
  • (Milo Perrier) "Not quite, Mrs. Charleston. Bon Apetit"
  • (Milo Perrier) ". Since Monsieur Wang was the only one who could detect such a poison, he was the only one who was tested. Point 5: Mr. Twain is both beguiling and fiendish."
  • (Milo Perrier) "Mon Amis."
  • (Dora Charleston) "Oh get a doctor quick."
  • (Milo Perrier) "No, no, it's alright, my wine is not poisoned. It was just a bad year."
  • (Marcel) "Something isn't right in all of this, eh. I can feel it in my buns."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "Your what?"
  • (Marcel) "My buns."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "Buns? Your buns? You bought buns and you didn't tell me? Where are they? Where are the buns?"
  • (Marcel) "Oh. No, monsieur. The BONES in my body."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "You should not speak with an accent when you know I am so hungry."
  • (Sam Diamond) "I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes, then they take the clothes and bring the body back. Who would do a thing like that?"
  • (Dick Charleston) "Possibly some deranged dry cleaner."
  • (Sidney Wang) "Someone just put deadly snake in room. Wake me when it come near bed."
  • (Inspector Milo Perrier) "A mannequin."
  • (Sam Diamond) "No, a dummy."
  • (Lionel Twain) "I'm the greatest, I'm number one."
  • (Sam Diamond) "To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?"
  • (Dora Charleston) "What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?"
  • (Tess Skeffington) "I'll tell you later. It's disgusting."

Add or Update Quotes

If you have a quote to add or change and want to let us know, please fill in the form below. Include the time in the film/video if possible so we can find it.




Additional Film and TV Quotes

The Exorcist (film) Quotes | Sleepers Quotes | À Nous la Liberté Quotes | Control Room (film) Quotes | Mission: Impossible (film) Quotes | The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men Quotes | The Newton Boys Quotes | Fire in the Sky Quotes | Dynasty: The Reunion Quotes | Taken (miniseries) Quotes | Lilo and Stitch: The Series Quotes | Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century (film) Quotes | Deewaar Quotes | Extreme Ghostbusters Quotes | The Real Ghostbusters Quotes | Parker Lewis Can't Lose Quotes | Pandora and the Flying Dutchman Quotes | Bill Nye the Science Guy Quotes | Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro Quotes | Meet Joe Black Quotes | General Hospital Quotes | Quadrophenia (film) Quotes | Freddy vs. Jason Quotes | Ikiru Quotes | The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour Quotes |