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Monster House (film) Quotes

Monster House (film) is a television show that first aired in 1970 . Monster House completed its run in 1970.

It features Jack Rapke; Steve Starkey as producer, Douglas Pipes in charge of musical score, and Xavier Perez Grobet as head of cinematography.

Monster House (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Monster House (film) is 91 minutes long. Monster House (film) is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Jon Heder as Skull, Spencer Locke as Jenny, Sam Lerner as Chowder, Nick Cannon as Officer Lister, Kevin James as Officer Landers, Maggie Gyllenhaal as Zee, Jason Lee as Bones, and Steve Buscemi as Nebbercracker.

Monster House (film) Quotes

Jon Heder as Skull

  • (Jon Heder) "You're gonna die. You're gonna die."
  • (Jon Heder) "Aw, did you see that? I just chopped off your head again. Your head's rolling. You can't even see it 'cuz your eyes are on your head."
  • (Unnamed) "Sir?"
  • (Jon Heder) "What? I'm busy playing a video game without even looking at the screen."
  • (Jon Heder) "Oh, you like the steel of my blade? It's so cold."
  • (Jon Heder) "Calm down. You make me wanna throw up in some tin foil and eat it."

Spencer Locke as Jenny

  • (Spencer Locke) "Smart house."
  • (Spencer Locke) "Are you guys mentally challenged? Because, if you are, then I'm certified to teach you baseball."
  • (Spencer Locke) "She didn't believe me."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Authority can be so --"
  • (Spencer Locke) "Okay, normally I don't spend time with guys like you, but a house just tried to eat me, so -- you've got one hour."
  • (Spencer Locke) "But back to business: eggs, shaving cream, toilet paper. Without candy, I'm afraid your house is a bulls-eye with shingles."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Nice try. It's not my house."
  • (Spencer Locke) "Babysitter?"
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Mmm-hmm."
  • (Spencer Locke) "Okay, let's cut the crap. Maybe the parents you work for left you forty dollars in emergency money --"
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Maybe they left me thirty."
  • (Spencer Locke) "Maybe you give me twenty, I write a receipt for thirty, and you pocket ten."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Maybe -- and I want two extra bags of peanut clusters."
  • (Spencer Locke) "One bag, and I'll toss in a licorice whip."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "You're good."
  • (Spencer Locke) "There."
  • (Spencer Locke) "Well, if those are the teeth, and that's the tongue, then that must be the uvula."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Oh, so it's a girl house --"
  • (Spencer Locke) "What?"

Sam Lerner as Chowder

  • (Unnamed) "I've just -- murdered a guy."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Naw -- when it's an accident, it's called manslaughter."
  • (Unnamed) "Questions?"
  • (Sam Lerner) "Yes, umm, are you nuts? I don't wanna steal drugs from my Father, I don't wanna go inside a monster, and I don't wanna die."
  • (Spencer Locke) "I say its worth a shot."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Yes I agree. Let's do it."
  • (Sam Lerner) "It's gonna be a bloodbath."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Well, Dad, why don't you kiss my hairy butt?"
  • (Sam Lerner) "Hey, DJ, you got any beer?"
  • (Sam Lerner) "Well, hello there --"
  • (Unnamed) "This is -- Chowder --"
  • (Sam Lerner) "Charles, to the ladies --"
  • (Spencer Locke) "Um, Jenny Bennett. Two-term class president at Westbrook Prep."
  • (Unnamed) "That's a tough school to get into."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Yeah, I got in but decided not to go."
  • (Spencer Locke) "It's a girl's school."
  • (Sam Lerner) "-- Which is why I didn't --"
  • (Sam Lerner) "-- You know there's a -- there's a great taco stand near there --"
  • (Sam Lerner) "My cousin's a cop in Milwaukee. I mean, he's kind of a cop -- he's got a gun."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Detectable movement."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't look back."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Aah. I looked back."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh my god."
  • (Sam Lerner) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "You're a dork."
  • (Sam Lerner) "It's time for an in your face disgrace."
  • (Unnamed) "Are you okay?"
  • (Sam Lerner) "My nose is in my brain."
  • (Unnamed) "Let me see; Oh my God."
  • (Sam Lerner) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "You're a dork."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Relax. Just be cool, like me."
  • (Sam Lerner) "AAAAAH."
  • (Sam Lerner) "I paid 28 dollars for that ball. I had to mow ten lawns and ask my mom for a dollar 26 times."
  • (Sam Lerner) "We're dead."
  • (Sam Lerner) "You've killed us, and now we're dead."
  • (Sam Lerner) "It mocks us with its -- house-ness."
  • (Sam Lerner) "All right, vacuum cleaner dummy, I'm setting you down on the lawn. Don't be scared, that's not how you were trained."
  • (Sam Lerner) "I love you, vacuum cleaner dummy."
  • (Sam Lerner) "My dad is at the pharmacy and my mom is at the movies with her personal trainer."
  • (Sam Lerner) "We're dead. You've killed us, and we're dead."
  • (Unnamed) "Shh. I don't think the house knows that we're in here. I bet it thinks we're still in the car."
  • (Spencer Locke) "Listen."
  • (Spencer Locke) "Sounds like it's sleeping."
  • (Unnamed) "The only way that we're gonna get out of here alive, is if we find the heart, and put out the fire."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Maybe we should examine our other options?"
  • (Unnamed) "Sure. Other option: we wait here and do nothing until it wakes up and eats us."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Find the heart, put out the fire. Got it."
  • (Sam Lerner) "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I think I'm having a stroke."

Steve Buscemi as Nebbercracker

Maggie Gyllenhaal as Zee

  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Skull's not like you. He makes time for me and gives me the respect I deserve."
  • (Jason Lee) "Whatever."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Bones."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Whatever issue you guys have, I'm sure it has letters and they make pills for it."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "I'm just creeped out. You know, I saw an ambulance here today."
  • (Jason Lee) "So --"
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "So, maybe Nebbercracker really did die."
  • (Jason Lee) "We should be so lucky, the guy was evil."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "No, he was just a grumpy old dude."
  • (Jason Lee) "Oh really? Zee? When I was 10 years old. I had a kite. Awesome kite. I could fly it so high you couldn't see it. One day, it crashed down, I followed the string, and it landed right over there, across the street right on the edge of his lawn."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Awww, did he take your kite?"
  • (Jason Lee) "Yeah, he takes everything that lands on his lawn. But that's not the point, the point is, I saw him talking to his house, and kissing it. Besides, everybody knows what he did to his wife."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Why? What? What did he do to her?"
  • (Jason Lee) "He ate her."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Now what do you want?"
  • (Spencer Locke) "Just trying to get a head-start on life and secure a sucessful future."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "You want a successful future? When a guy with tattoos comes up to the drive-thru, give him his burger, not your phone number."
  • (Unnamed) "Can I ask you something?"
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Sure you can cantelope. We are going to have so much fun I have tons of activities --"
  • (Unnamed) "It's okay. They're gone"
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "They are? They're gone?"
  • (Unnamed) "We haven't left this room once. Not even to go to the bathroom."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't drink that."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Oh gross. Whatever disease you guys have I'm sure its got letters and that they make pills for it."
  • (Unnamed) "Zee, it's true. There's something evil going on across the street."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "That's excellent, I'm really happy for you."
  • (Maggie Gyllenhaal) "Who called you?"
  • (Unnamed) "Nebbercracker. Ps, he died today."

Nick Cannon as Officer Lister

  • (Nick Cannon) "That sounds like the 'dangerous creature'. I'm gonna go check it out."
  • (Kevin James) "Gosh, just like tryin' to wrangle a puppy --"
  • (Nick Cannon) "I will shoot you."

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