Man from the South Quotes

Man from the South is a TV program that debuted in 1970 . Man from the South ended its run in 1970.

Man from the South Quotes

• (Eva) "Goddess Diana, fail you I will. / I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill. / I had him erect and his semen would follow. / Alas, I was hot. So hot that I swallowed."

• (Angela) "Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock."

• (Margaret) "Hi, Ted. I'm Margaret. You sound down. Is your New Year's not starting off well?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "No, Margaret. This New Year's Eve is not starting off well. This one is going pretty f***ing badly."
• (Margaret) "How come?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Well, Betty leaves me to run this entire hotel by myself. And first thing, right off the bat, I get f***ed by a coven of witches."
• (Margaret) "You got f***ed by an oven full of witches?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "A coven of witches. Well, one witch in particular."
• (Margaret) "Ted, was she an old hag with a mole on her face with hair growing out of it?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "No, no, no, she was very beautiful."
• (Margaret) "Ted -- what's the problem?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Well -- admittedly, that was the best part of the evening. It was pretty bloody good, actually -- but it's still a pretty unnerving way to start off the night."
• (Margaret) "Sounds like a pretty great way to start off the night to me."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Why don't we just skip over the witches?"
• (Margaret) "Skipping the witches --"

• (Sigfried) "I tie a pretty good knot, don't I Ted?"

• (Ted the Bellhop) "Okay, these are the rules. Don't break the rules, and I won't break your necks."

• (Sarah) "Did you ever open your eyes?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Yes. And look at me now."
• (Juancho) "We can't."

• (Eva) "You're my last chance."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "W- Whoa. Uh-uh. No way. Nope. Besides -- it's against hotel policy. I was warned. "No sex with the clientele.""
• (Eva) "Oh."

• (Angela) "I'm gonna go back to my room."
• (Chester) "I'll see ya."

• (Angela) "How can I stop talking about something that's so HUGE?"

• (Ted the Bellhop) "A block of wood."
• (Chester) "Continue."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Three nails."
• (Norman) "Why three nails?"
• (Chester) "That's how many Peter Lorre wanted. Continue, Ted."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "A ball of twine."
• (Chester) "Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "A bucket -- of ice."
• (Chester) "You into it?"
• (Norman) "I'm into it."
• (Chester) "All right, go on."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "A donut."
• (Chester) "That's for me."
• (Chester) "Continue."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "A club sandwich."
• (Angela) "That is mine."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "And finally -- a hatchet."
• (Chester) ""A hatchet as sharp as the Devil himself" is what I asked for."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Well, sir, you be the judge."
• (Norman) "No, no, I'll be the judge."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Careful, sir."
• (Chester) "What do you think?"
• (Norman) "It's a sharp motherf***er. All right, forget the nails and the twine and bring all this other bulls*** over to the bar."

• (Ted the Bellhop) "Police. It's an emergency. Police get someone over here right f***ing now. There is a dead f***in' whore."

• (Ted the Bellhop) "Problem? I haven't got a problem. I've got f***ing problems. Plural."

• (Angela) "I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, hump mobile, oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbassa, schlong, dink, tool, big ben, Mr. Happy, Peter Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, piston joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, junior, little head, little guy, rumple foreskin, tootsie roll, love muscle, skin flute, roto-rooter, snake, hammer, rammer, spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby, schmeck, schmuck, schvantze, ying-yang, yang --"

• (Sigfried) "There's no needles here kid, just a big f***ing gun."

• (Norman) "I'm gonna tell ya what the f*** I'm talking about. I drive a motherf***ing Honda that my sister sold me, ya hear what I'm saying? A little white motherf***ing Honda Civic."

• (Leo) "Begin."
• (Chester) "Okay, Ted, pay attention here. I'm going to make two piles on the bar. One pile which is yours. And another pile which could be yours. And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing one way -- or the other. Whether it's you who holds the axe or a Mexican maid or some bum we yank off the street."
• (Norman) "You could buy a whole lot of soup with that pile."
• (Chester) "Shh. I'm the closer here. All right, I'm a little me; um, I've lost count. How much is on the bar here?"
• (Unnamed) "Six hundred."
• (Chester) "Okay, Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600?"
• (Angela) "It's a rhetorical question, Ted."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "No, sir."
• (Chester) "About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you refused a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you made $1000 for one second's worth of work?"
• (Leo) "Time."
• (Chester) "So, Ted, what's it gonna be?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Okay."

• (Man) "Did they misbehave?"

• (Athena) "We need sea salt, a little bit of sea salt. Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt. A bottle of spring water; French, not that Italian s***."
• (Kiva) "Um, yes, and could I have some French fries?"
• (Elspeth) "Shut up, Kiva."
• (Athena) "Some ginger and some raw meat. Liver, if you have it."
• (Kiva) "I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb f***ing ritual."
• (Athena) "Shut up, you little s***."
• (Elspeth) "Hey, don't talk to her that way."

• (Ted the Bellhop) "I'm in a situation I can't begin to explain"

• (Sarah) "There's a dead body in my bed and it smells like s*** and it looks even worse. And if you don't get your ass up here now, my Daddy's gonna lay you down next to her. I swear to f***ing God."

• (Kiva) "You're not my mother."
• (Elspeth) "Yes I am."
• (Kiva) "Then why are we sleeping together?"

• (Man) "Hmm."
• (Man) "One hundred, two hundred, three hundred. Here you are."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "I thought you said five hundred."
• (Man) "No, I said three hundred."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "No, sir. I distinctly heard you say five hundred."
• (Man) "Are you calling me a liar?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "No, sir. What I'm saying is that you accidentally forgot that the first thing you said --"
• (Man) "But what I last said was three hundred, and what you say last is what counts."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Well, then, if you say five hundred one last time, we have a deal."
• (Man) "You f***ing with me, pendejo?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "No, sir, but I'm by myself, and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need."
• (Man) "Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Why, no, sir, not the kids. It's the situation that is a pain in the ass."
• (Man) "No, you were right the first time. They're a pain in the ass. All right. You win, tough guy. Five hundred."

• (Angela) "Everybody starts out as strangers, Ted. It's where we end up that counts."

• (Ted the Bellhop) "Your dad says he doesn't trust babysitters. Well, can't say I blame him. I had a babysitter myself once --"

• (Leo) "Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my f***ing job, you know that. He wanted to stay out late. I can't f***ing; I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? Don't yell at me; I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling. You're the one that's f***ing yelling. f***. Don't hang up on me. Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. god**** it, I swear to f***ing God, if you hang up on me, that f***in' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a f***in' divorce."
• (Norman) "Yo, Leo?"
• (Leo) "f***."
• (Chester) "Another f***ing "Honeymooners" going on in there."
• (Leo) "f***in' s***, man. Man, what the f*** is wrong with this f***in' bitch, man? I'm gonna take the f***in' car, I'm gonna drive up to f***in' Mulholland, I am gonna f***in' drag her f***in' ass and throw it down Benedict f***in' Canyon, man."
• (Norman) "You still married, man?"
• (Leo) "Yeah. I don't f***in' know any more, I swear to Christ, Norman. I f***in' swear to God. What the f*** is wrong? I treat this f***in' bitch like a queen, you know that, man."
• (Chester) "I know that."
• (Leo) "So I had a little f***in' too much to drink. It's f***in' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't f***in' drive home. Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry, I'm f***in' sorry about that. What am I gonna do? Get in a f***in' car and go run over six or seven f***in' kids? That'd be really f***in' nice. Man, what the f*** is the matter with this bitch? f***."
• (Leo) "What the f*** is all this?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir."
• (Leo) "Get the f*** outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman?"
• (Chester) "We now return you to "The Man From Rio" already in progress."
• (Leo) "Oh, my f***ing dick is hard already. Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this s***."
• (Norman) "I am gonna do it."
• (Leo) "Oh, you are my f***ing hero."

• (Sam the Bellhop) "We used to have Fifty on staff here. Fifty. I'm the only one left. It all comes down to one schmuck, me. The night shift bellhop. What the hell is that, a bellhop? Huh, what is that? You know where the name comes from? Huh? From someone stupid. Some schmuck rings and bell and ya hop, you hop front and center."

• (Chester) "Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "It's quite good sir."
• (Chester) "No, no, no. It's f***ing good. Now let's do that again. Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "It's f***ing good sir."

• (Ted the Bellhop) "Well, most recently, there's room 309, there's this scary Mexican gangster dude poking his finger in my chest. There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuck in the springs of the bed. There's rooms blazing afire. There's a big fat needle from God knows where, stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. And finally there's me, walking out the door, right f***ing now. Buenas noches."

• (Ted the Bellhop) "I'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time I get there, I'll make one myself. You."

• (Ted the Bellhop) "Later, in another room, some crazy f***ing maniac sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife."
• (Margaret) "He made you have psycho sex with his wife?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "No, he didn't make me f*** his wife, he thought I'd f***ed his wife. He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun."
• (Margaret) "What kinda gun was it?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "I don't know, I'm not a gun guy. It was big."
• (Margaret) "Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Yeah, sorta like that. Yeah."
• (Margaret) "Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel?"
• (Ted the Bellhop) "What difference does it make?"
• (Margaret) "Well, for one thing it's the difference between a.44 Magnum and a Magnum.357."
• (Ted the Bellhop) "Who the f*** cares whether it was a.44 or a.392? It was a big f***ing gun, it was loaded, and it was pointed right at my f***ing head."

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