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Major Payne Quotes

Major Payne is a television program that first aired in 1970 . Major Payne ended its run in 1970.

It features Eric L. Gold, and Michael Rachmil as producer, Craig Safan in charge of musical score, and Richard Bowen as head of cinematography.

Major Payne is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Major Payne is 95 minutes long. Major Payne is distributed by Universal Studios.

The cast includes: Karyn Parsons as Emily, Andrew Harrison Leeds as Cadets, Damien Dante Wayans as Cadet Williams, R. Stephen Wiles as Heathcoat, Chris Owen as Woliger, Mark Madison as Cadet Fox, Steven Martini as Cadet Alex Stone, and Andrew Harrison Leeds as Cadet Dotson.

Major Payne Quotes

Karyn Parsons as Emily

  • (Major Payne) "I surprised you ain't dropped 'bout 12 puppies by now. Ain't you never been married?"
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Yeah, I was."
  • (Major Payne) "What happened? You terminate his command?"
  • (Karyn Parsons) "No, actually he left. I wanted children, he didn't."
  • (Major Payne) "Any man that'd leave you outta be monkey-stomped and have his brains mailed back to his mother."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Well, thank you Benson. How about you? Was there ever a Ms. Payne?"
  • (Major Payne) "Negative. I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?"
  • (Major Payne) "Oh, that's my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their do -- their hair-do that is. Heh,Heh,Heh."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Here. I want you to read this book. Read it. Apply it."
  • (Major Payne) "The ABC's Of Being A Positive Male Role Model?"
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Apparently he had a little accident."
  • (Major Payne) "Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Well maybe that's because he's six."
  • (Major Payne) "Because he's six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job."
  • (Major Payne) "Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the boy grow up."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Excuse me, what did you say?"
  • (Major Payne) "I didn't stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-mouth AND STOP BABYING HIM."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "I don't call it babying, I call it nurturing."
  • (Major Payne) "And I call it neutering."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, edictorial, ego maniacal, frigid lunatic ASSHOLE."
  • (Major Payne) "I ain't frigid."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "He's trying to show you some affection."
  • (Major Payne) "I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Major, WHAT are the boys doing in those DRESSES?"
  • (Major Benson Winifred Payne) "Oh, they're just puttin' on a fashion show."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Do you really think THIS is the best way to gain the respect and admiration of these young men?"
  • (Major Benson Winifred Payne) "They may not like me, but they WILL respect me."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "Let me be more direct: they HATE you."
  • (Major Benson Winifred Payne) "Good. It'll draw 'em close together, make 'em a team."
  • (Karyn Parsons) "That's a very cynical plan."
  • (Major Benson Winifred Payne) "Yeah, well at least it won't backfire. Besides, they started it."

R. Stephen Wiles as Heathcoat

  • (Major Payne) "W-w-what are you laughing at, pig-boy? You find a piece of candy in your pocket? What's your name, son?"
  • (R. Stephen Wiles) "H-Heathcoat, Sir."
  • (Major Payne) "You look like the Pillsbury Dough-boy. If I poke your stomach, will it make you laugh? We're gonna have to make some room for your lunch, Bacon-boy. Get down there and give me 25 crunches. AND COUNT THEM OUT."
  • (R. Stephen Wiles) "Twenty-five. Yes, Sir."
  • (Major Payne) "One --. Two --. Three --. Four --. I --. Love --. The Marine --. Corps --."
  • (R. Stephen Wiles) "Why do I have to wear the dress?"
  • (Alex Stone) "Because you are the one with the biggest tits."
  • (R. Stephen Wiles) "SHUT UP."

Chris Owen as Woliger

  • (Chris Owen) "Achoo."
  • (Major Payne) "What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?"
  • (Chris Owen) "No, sir."
  • (Major Payne) "Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry."

Damien Dante Wayans as Cadet Williams

  • (Major Payne) "You like the way I handled them white folks back there?"
  • (Damien Dante Wayans) "Yeah."
  • (Major Payne) "You like a black man to handle things?"
  • (Damien Dante Wayans) "Malcolm X."
  • (Major Payne) "Let me tell you something -- I AM NOT YOUR DAMN BROTHER."

Andrew Harrison Leeds as Cadet Dotson

  • (Andrew Harrison Leeds) "Let's go, let's go, giddyup, let's ride."
  • (Alex Stone) "What happened to knocking first, Dotson?"
  • (Andrew Harrison Leeds) "You assholes don't need to worry about that."

Steven Martini as Cadet Alex Stone

  • (Steven Martini) "What about family and unity and all that other bulls*** you said?"
  • (Major Benson Winifred Payne) "I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?"
  • (Major Payne) "LET'S MOVE IT, YOU TURDS. You'll get no sympathy from me. You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between s*** and syphilis. That's where you'll find my sympathy. This ain't no walk in the park; let's go. Hustle, hustle. HUSTLE."
  • (Major Payne) "Yo, Dumbo. You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy."
  • (Major Payne) "WILLIAMS. You tell Marlee Matlin's son to get across that rope before I hang him with it."
  • (Major Payne) "HEATHCOAT. Get your side-of-pork booty over that wall. fat body up over that wall, or I'll --"
  • (Major Payne) "-- SHUT UP OVER THERE."
  • (Major Payne) "Nobody's leaving here until you turds get this course down to EIGHTY SECONDS."
  • (Steven Martini) "Come on, he can't do this; leave him alone. I can barely do it. It's slippery out here."
  • (Major Payne) "Slippery, you say. You think Charlie cares about slippery? Only thing he cares about is slitting your throat. WHAT IF THIS WAS A LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION?"
  • (Steven Martini) "That's just it. This ISN'T a life-or-death situation."
  • (Major Payne) "IT IS NOW."
  • (Steven Martini) "Come on, guys. Relax, it's just a dummy grenade."
  • (Major Payne) "Who's the dummy now?"

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