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Mad TV (season 1) Quotes

Mad TV (season 1) is a television show that was first aired in 1995 on Fox Broadcasting Company. Mad TV ended in 1996.

Mad TV (season 1) lasted 19 episodes.

Mad TV (season 1) Quotes

  • (Bunifa Jackson) "Alright fine, but let me tell you something. I'll take the $6 then."
  • (Appraiser) "I'm not interested in buying it."
  • (Bunifa Jackson) "No, no it's okay, I'll take the six."
  • (Appraiser) "No, no ma'am, I'm the appraiser, I'm not the buyer"
  • (Bunifa Jackson) "Then why you offer me $6?"
  • (Appraiser) "No, I didn't."
  • (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did."
  • (Appraiser) "No I didn't."
  • (Bunifa Jackson) "Yes you did. Yes you did. Yes you did. Oh, so what am I a liar now? I'm a liar. She just called me a liar. I'm some dumb stupid liar. I'm just some dumb stupid lying bitch."
  • (Appraiser) "Ma'am I did not call you any of those names."
  • (Bunifa Jackson) "So she gonna say I'm deaf. I'm deaf. I'm some dumb stupid lying deaf bitch with a six dollar dinner plate."
  • (Ms. Swan) "What the hell?"
  • (Unnamed) "So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Um-hum."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, how does that makes you feel?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Why?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you -- You know, sweetie, it's not your fault."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Aaaaahhh."
  • (Unnamed) "Stuart, that was not very nice."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Say that into the microphone."
  • (Unnamed) "If I do, will we be friends?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "I don't know."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating."
  • (Dot) "My dream is to go swimming in my Hallowe'en costume."
  • (Mr. Swan) "Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me."
  • (Vancome Lady) "Shaaa -- You know what?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?"
  • (Various) "His what?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there."
  • (Various) "I'm sorry, I don't understand --"
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh."
  • (Customer) "I can't believe you don't have a problem with what you did."
  • (Cloret) "And I can't believe you just spent $6 on some orange juice that took a trip around the blender with ice."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee."
  • (Dancer) "Oh, I'm not white. I'm Navajo."
  • (Bunifa Jackson) "Well I'm not a ho, either."
  • (Eve) "If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't have done this f in' show. Can't believe they couldn't get Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where the hell she at?"
  • (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about swearing?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats."
  • (Destiny) "Tad, that's very interesting but i can't kiss you."
  • (Destiny) "Even though we are the same age --"
  • (Tad) "That's right. We're both fifteen."
  • (Destiny) "That's right."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about the smoking?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Smoking is for Europeans and white trash."
  • (Nautica Brown) "And don't forget to buy my book, "Gone With the Wind -- My Ass. Hollywood -- and the White Man's Lies"."
  • (Dollar Bill Montgomery) "Damn, that's an angry bitch."
  • (Will Sasso) "So who do you think is the biggest phony here tonight?"
  • (Unnamed) "You are."
  • (Jessica Simpson) "Finally, I was like Korean babies are too stressful. So, I sent him back to China, or where ever Korean babies come from."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that."
  • (Lorraine Swanson) "Goddddddd, that's cute."
  • (Man) "Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry, Stuart?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "The world."
  • (Jovan Muskatelle) "It was crazy as hell, man. Pandemonium 2004."
  • (Simon Cowell) "You have taken my love of music and ripped it to shreads, pissed on it, and threw it in a dumpster --"
  • (Simon Cowell) "-- pulled it out of the dumpster, raped it, aborted it, and cooked it in a stew and then spoon fed it back to me."
  • (DMV Worker) "Now turn and face the camera."
  • (Ms. Swan) "Live from New York --"
  • (DMV Worker) "No. That's the wrong show."
  • (Lorraine Swanson) "Uh-uh-uh."
  • (Spishak Spokesman) "How many times has this happened to you?"
  • (Helen's Caretaker) "Helen, your new teacher is here. Oh I forgot, you're deaf."
  • (Cosby) "If you don't put the pudding back in the fridge, you are a dumb person."
  • (Anna Nicole Smith) "Do you like Mama's meatbags baby?"
  • (Unnamed) "Mom?"
  • (Anna Nicole Smith) "You get old enough I'm gonna letcha touch em'"
  • (Police Officer) "Was he a black man or a white man?"
  • (Ms. Swan) "You know -- black-a like you, black-a like me."
  • (Malcolm X) "You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people."
  • (Mrs. Curtis) "Don't make me break my foot off of yo ass."
  • (Piano Teacher) "Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Hm hmm."
  • (Piano Teacher) "You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "If I said I did it, I did it."
  • (Announcer) "It's Mad TV."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant. Isn't this fun?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "The waiter's face looked weird."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's because he's Asian --"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Where did his eyes go?"
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "They look like this."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "I don't have a lazy eye."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Ohh. Yes you do."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?"
  • (Drew Barrymore) "I think that marriage is back because love is back. It was all weird when love was gone. I think love was gone because we made fun of it. We called it fat and stupid. So don't make fun of love."
  • (Drew Barrymore) "Hey Drew Barrymore, Anne Heche called and said you're spaceship's ready."
  • (Drew Barrymore) "E.T.'s here?"
  • (Edward) "I don't get it."
  • (Bob Dole) "Maybe I can win Texas, but I can't win your love. And Texas doesn't look good naked."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Let me do it."
  • (Joe Namath) "Let's face it: VD is everywhere, and chances are you'll probably wind up getting it someday."
  • (Dale) "Carol Finney. Tell us something about yourself, and not something I've already said."
  • (Carol) "Well, I like to roll nickels -- I have a windmill magnet collection -- my daughter's my best friend."
  • (Dale) "Well I hope your husband is a close second."
  • (Carol) "Well he would be if he'd help me roll nickels."
  • (Dixie Wetsworth) "You like? I like."
  • (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
  • (Shelly) "What?"
  • (Marvin Tikvah) "Shelly."
  • (Marvin Tikvah) "C'MON."
  • (Cloret) "Who the hell is Count-less Va-john?"
  • (Countess Vaughn) "It's actually Countess Vaughn. I'm on "The Parkers", it's on the UPN."
  • (Cloret) "You on the UPN? That explains why I ain't never seen't you."
  • (Lorraine Swanson) "Serpentine."
  • (Connie Chung) "I'm Connie Chung. If you're watching this, it means I'm back on the air. Or you're Maury and this is in the background while Suki and I play our bath tub games."
  • (Connie Chung) "You were great in "Chicago"."
  • (Catherine Zeta-Jones) "Thank you, that means a lot."
  • (Connie Chung) "I know what "thank you" means."
  • (Vancome Lady) "Hurry up, Blondie, you don't wanna be late to the Hitler Youth Convention."
  • (Vancome Lady) "Oh, and young man, my car has low-jack."
  • (Unnamed) "Haha, take it like a man."
  • (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, you look like you take it like a man."
  • (Various) "I don't wanna be here. I wanna be on Friends."
  • (Chuck) "Have you ever been arrested?"
  • (Trina) "Well --"
  • (Chuck) "Well what?"
  • (Trina) "Well, last March my cousin accused me of stealing her baby. I just wanted to hold it, for a few days, in Mexico, rename it, cut and dye its hair, tattoo things on its pretty little toes. It was all just a huge mistake"
  • (Nurse) "It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off."
  • (Vancome Lady) "Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf."
  • (Dot) "I learned a secret in school: lmnop isn't one letter, it's like; seven or ten."
  • (Ms. Swan) "Yeah, okay, I tell you everything."
  • (Police Officer) "Year and make of the car, please."
  • (Driver) "It's a 2003 Earth Destroyer."
  • (Simon Cowell) "Jacko, freak of nature -- yes. Pedofile -- yes. She-male -- yes."
  • (Simon Cowell) "American Idol, no."
  • (Diane Sawyer) "I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me."
  • (Ted Koppel) "I'm Ted Koppel."
  • (Ms. Swan) "He look-a like-a man."
  • (Abercrombie Guy 1) "So what'd you guys do last night?"
  • (Abercrombie Guy 2) "Me and the guys from the Crew team went skinny dipping in the lake under the moonlight."
  • (Abercrombie Guy 3) "Solid. Yeah, me and some of my lacrosse buddies went to the old hunting lodge and took showers together."
  • (Abercrombie Guy 1) "I played touch football in a wheat field with my girlfriend and 13 guys from the water polo team. Then she split and we gave each other hand jobs."
  • (Aunt Noreen) "Happy Birthday, Stuart. Do you remember which aunt I am?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "The alcoholic?"
  • (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?"
  • (Aunt Noreen) "No --"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Then you must be the ugly one."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "I'm sorry you're ugly."
  • (Rosa Parks) "What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses. It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people." See --"
  • (Rosa Parks) "We've got TWO asses."
  • (Belma Buttons) "Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot."
  • (Tovah McQueen) "God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Well, do you know what you want to eat?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "A happy meal."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about sliding down the banister?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them."
  • (Various) "Lord, I hope they never make ''The Honeymooners 2''."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Stay away from my Danger Zone."
  • (Girl in Tow Truck) "I'm an only child, and I always wanted to be a part of a big family."
  • (Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man) "Then you are stupid."
  • (Fantana 1) "It's so hot --"
  • (Fantana 2) "And hard to think."
  • (Fantana 3) "Don't you want a Fanta?"
  • (Dot) "Look how little my gloves are."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "What do you want to eat?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "A Happy Meal."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Then I hate the Chinese."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "STUART. That kind of talk is racist. What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "That's righ-"
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Ohh. Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you."
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Hmm-hmm. You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "Oh. Okay --"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "The French are smelly and can't fight --"
  • (Unnamed) "OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting."
  • (Phil LaMarr) "And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control."
  • (Doreen Larkin) "What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?"
  • (Stuart Larkin) "Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist."

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