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Little Britain Quotes

Little Britain is a Sketch comedy that appeared on TV in 1970 on BBC Radio 4 . Little Britain ended its run in 2007.

Little Britain was on for 36 episodes. It features David Arnold as composer. Little Britain is created by David Walliams.

Each episode of Little Britain is 30 minutes long. Little Britain is produced by BBC. Spinoffs for this show include Little Britain USA.

Little Britain Quotes

  • (Teacher) "Vicky aren't you going to take your baby?"
  • (Vicky Pollard) "No don't worry I've got loads at home."
  • (Narrator) "With nothing to watch but repeats on the telly of Doctor Who, Medics, and that episode of Blackadder II I was on, Lou and Andy go to rent a video."
  • (Narrator) "Those are buses, but anyway."
  • (George Michael) "Hello, Andy."
  • (George Michael) "Nice to meet you"
  • (George Michael) ". Happy birthday."
  • (Andy) "I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley."
  • (Lou) "Sorry about this, George. You'd better go."
  • (Andy) "Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid."
  • (Lou) "Andy, how did you get up there?"
  • (Andy) "I fell."
  • (Vicky Pollard) "Who the Hollyoaks Omnibus is that?"
  • (Old Ma Evans' lodger) "Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay."
  • (Daffyd) "No, you are not a gay. I am the gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy."
  • (Unnamed) "Vicky, where is your baby?"
  • (Vicky Pollard) "Swapped it for a Westlife CD."
  • (Unnamed) "Vicky, how could you do such a thing?"
  • (Vicky Pollard) "I know. They're rubbish."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "What advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul?"
  • (Fat Fighter) "Cut out biscuits?"
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Cut out biscuits. erm -- Mary?"
  • (Meera) "Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person --"
  • (Barbara) "No, I'm not."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Well, you deserve to be. I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here -- but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place."
  • (Daffyd) "Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am --"
  • (Father) "Asthmatic?"
  • (Daffyd) "No. I am -- a gay. Oh."
  • (Unnamed) "Very nice."
  • (Father) "Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle."
  • (Daffyd) "So you don't mind?"
  • (Father) "No."
  • (Daffyd) "So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?"
  • (Unnamed) "Eh? Oh, no. Quite frankly, we did had an inkling."
  • (Mrs. Williams) "Do these butt-plugs come with batteries?"
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Oooooh, I love a bit of cake. Oooooh, cake. Oooooh, cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. I'm just one of these people. I come home and I need a piece of cake."
  • (Narrator) "Britain, Britain, Britain. We've had running water for over ten years, we have a tunnel connecting us to Peru, and we invented the cat."
  • (Andy) "Someone should give them lot a smack."
  • (Lou) "I thought you didn't like violence. You said it was the last bastion of moral cowardice."
  • (Andy) "Yeah, I know --"
  • (Ting Tong) "Hello, Mr. Dudly."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "What advice can we give to Christopher to help him lose weight? Paul."
  • (Unnamed) "Eat healthily?"
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Oh that's rich coming from you. Pat."
  • (Unnamed) "Don't eat too much chocolate."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate, all the other kids hate him, chocolates the only friend he's got. And last but not least, Meera."
  • (Meera) "Exercise?"
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "What? Sorry?"
  • (Meera) "Exercise."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Say it again?"
  • (Meera) "Oh, forget it."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Can't understand her, can you? Anyway, I think the most important thing you can do, is get a bit of exercise. Yeah?"
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like."
  • (Daffyd) "I am the only gay in the village"
  • (Maggie) "Ummmm. This is nice. Who made this?"
  • (Judy) "Emma Shepherd. The one who's run off with the school mistress."
  • (Maggie) "Oh, Judy. No more lesbian jam. I can't keep it down."
  • (Unnamed) "Roy. Roy."
  • (Roy) "Yes."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "What else do we have cravings of? Yes, Meera."
  • (Meera) "Fish and chips."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "I'm sorry?"
  • (Meera) "Fish and chips."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Say again, sorry."
  • (Meera) "Fish and chips."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Oh, right, some dish we don't get over here."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Curry."
  • (Vicky Pollard) "She's got her own council flat and three kids and she's only nine."
  • (Unnamed) "A Satsuma."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Yeah, that's not really bad for you though, is it?"
  • (Unnamed) "No, but it is orange."
  • (Unnamed) "Do you have yesterday's plates?"
  • (Sir Bernard Chumly) "Oh, yes."
  • (Unnamed) "We do insist they're returned clean."
  • (Sebastian) "Prime Minister, look out."
  • (Primeminster) "What is it?"
  • (Sebastian) "I thought there was a sniper but there isn't."
  • (Primeminster) "Oh -- can you get off me now?"
  • (Sebastian) "Give it a minute."
  • (Student councillor lady) "You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. How can I describe him? Shoulder-length brown hair. Wears a lot of jewellery. Looks up a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare. That's it; the Oompa Loompa."
  • (Myfanwy) "Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool. You could have had a bit of cock there."
  • (Vicky Pollard) "Shut up, you two-faced virgin."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Well you can take your fat fighters and shove them up your fat arse. That's right, screeeeeeeeeew you."
  • (Bubbles) "Call me Bubbles, dear, everyone does."
  • (Mrs. Williams) "I've said it before Vicar, and I'll say it again; what that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse."
  • (Jeremy Rent) "No, it's straight theatre. No music. So what do you think?"
  • (Dennis Waterman) "Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play --"
  • (Jeremy Rent) "I'll tell 'em you're busy --"
  • (Andy) "Yea, I know."
  • (Denver Mills) "I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys, but the difference is I actually beat some of mine, not just BEAT them like you do."
  • (Narrator) "British justice is the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either gay, a woman or a mental."
  • (Lou) "Who did this?"
  • (Andy) "A bird."
  • (Dennis Waterman) "I'll do it -- long as I get to write the theme tune, sing the theme tune --"
  • (Scottish Guy) "I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly -- what am I?"
  • (Meera) "Instead of sugar use artificial sweetener in tea."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Summin' about sugar."
  • (Narrator) "This is the home of romance novelist, Dame Sally. I've always wanted to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen."
  • (Mike) "Hey, you open for afternoon tea?"
  • (Scottish Guy) "Maybe I am and maybe I'm not"
  • (Mike) "Oh, OK."
  • (Scottish Guy) "No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down."
  • (Unnamed) "Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?"
  • (Unnamed) "It smells funny in here."
  • (Scottish Guy) "I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley."
  • (Scottish Guy) "Here I am with the cake trolley."
  • (Unnamed) "Mm, those look good, don't they honey?"
  • (Unnamed) "I want the chocolate cake."
  • (Unnamed) "OK, OK, honey"
  • (Unnamed) "Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?"
  • (Scottish Guy) "Yeeeeees."
  • (Unnamed) "What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?"
  • (Scottish Guy) "Yeeeeees."
  • (Mike) "Well, which?"
  • (Scottish Guy) "Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?"
  • (Scottish Guy) "The carrot cake contains? no nuts."
  • (Scottish Guy) "Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?"
  • (Scottish Guy) "The lemon drizzle cake contains -- no nuts"
  • (Scottish Guy) "No nuts."
  • (Scottish Guy) "Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?"
  • (Scottish Guy) "He wants to speak to you."
  • (Mike) "Mike Kapalski?"
  • (Narrator) "Greedy fuckers."
  • (Carol Beer) "Computer says no."
  • (Ray McCooney) "What if I give ye six magic beans?"
  • (Unnamed) "Not interested"
  • (Ray McCooney) "Seven magic beans?"
  • (Matthew Waterhouse) "I've got a few ideas for you. Nutty Nut Nuts. Real nuts coated in -- wait for it --"
  • (Matthew Waterhouse) "Nuts. How's that for starters?"
  • (Vicky Pollard) "Stop giving me evils."
  • (Lou) "And that's a right kerfuffle."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Fat cow. Fat cow. Fat cow."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Oh, sorry love, new member? Take your seat and I'll see to you in a minute, now where was I? Oh, yeah, fat cow. Fat cow."
  • (Unnamed) "Prime Minister, I'd just like to say --"
  • (Sebastian) "Fuck off."
  • (Marjorie Dawes) "Now crisps are high in fat, but they're also low in protein and low in fibre. See, it's not all bad."
  • (Police Officer) "You do know it's an offence to waste police time?"
  • (Vicky Pollard) "No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'."
  • (Narrator) "When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, well, they're just being silly."
  • (Vicky Pollard) "Anyway don't listen to her coz everyone knows her fanny goes sideways."
  • (Bus Conductor) "Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off."
  • (Vicky Pollard) "Oh, my God. That is so unfair. This is like, well sexual harassment. If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider."
  • (Narrator) "Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules; no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties."

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