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Juno (film) Quotes

Juno (film) is a television show that debuted in 1970 . Juno completed its run in 1970.

It features Lianne Halfon, John Malkovich; Mason Novick, and Russell Smith as producer, Mateo Messina in charge of musical score, and Eric Steelberg as head of cinematography.

Juno (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Juno (film) is 96 minutes long. Juno (film) is distributed by Fox Searchlight Pictures.

The cast includes: Ellen Page as Juno MacGuff, Michael Cera as Paulie Bleeker, Jennifer Garner as Vanessa Loring, J. K. Simmons as Mac MacGuff, Olivia Thirlby as Leah, Valerie Tian as Su-Chin, Rainn Wilson as Rollo, Allison Janney as Bren, and Jason Bateman as Mark Loring.

Juno (film) Quotes

Ellen Page as Juno MacGuff

  • (Ellen Page) "As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And I know people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but; I guess normalcy isn't really our style."
  • (Michael Cera) "Hey."
  • (Ellen Page) "Hey."
  • (Michael Cera) "Ready?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Yeah."
  • (Ellen Page) "-- like it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me."
  • (Ellen Page) "Wow your shorts are like especially gold today."
  • (Michael Cera) "My mom uses color safe bleach."
  • (Ellen Page) "Go Carol."
  • (Ellen Page) "-- and the receptianist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfiends pie balls. Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, "Hi babies have fingernails." Fingernails."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?"
  • (Ellen Page) "So, I've been spending a lot of time listening to that weird CD you made me."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Oh really? What's the verdict?"
  • (Ellen Page) "I sort of like it. I mean, it's cute."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Cute?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Well, when you're used to the raw power of Iggy and the Stooges, everything else sounds kind of precious by comparison."
  • (Ellen Page) "And Paulie is actually great -- in chair."
  • (Ellen Page) "Can I use the facilities? Because being pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit."
  • (Ellen Page) "You're quite the sellout, Mark. I mean -- what would the Melvins say?"
  • (Ellen Page) "OWW. OWW. f***ity OW."
  • (Ellen Page) "Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises."
  • (Ellen Page) "I'm not ready to be a mom."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Damn skippy you're not. You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her breathing meds."
  • (Ellen Page) "God, that was one time. And she did not die, if you recall."
  • (Ellen Page) "Hey, Dad."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Hey, big puffy version of June bug. Where you been?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Oh, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level."
  • (Ellen Page) "No, I heard you. I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome". Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Okay, well what did you have in mind?"
  • (Ellen Page) "I was thinking more, like, graphic designer -- mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular."
  • (Ellen Page) "I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."
  • (Ellen Page) "Are you honestly and truly going to prom with Katrina Devore?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Uhh -- hi --"
  • (Ellen Page) "Dad?"
  • (J. K. Simmons) "What?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Either I just peed my pants or um --"
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Or ?"
  • (Ellen Page) "THUNDERCATS ARE GO."
  • (Ellen Page) "I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously."
  • (Ellen Page) "I am giving you the gift of life, screaming, pooping life, and you don't even have to be there when it comes out all covered in blood and guts"
  • (Ellen Page) "Oh and you know what? I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked -- it's just noise."
  • (Ellen Page) "The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks eat that s*** up."
  • (Ellen Page) "They just won't admit it, because they're supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah. Who, incidentally, is into teachers."
  • (Ellen Page) "Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies."
  • (Ellen Page) "Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?"
  • (Ellen Page) "When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All i see is pork swords."
  • (Ellen Page) "I need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever."
  • (Ellen Page) "Your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday."
  • (Michael Cera) "Katrina's not my girlfriend alright? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye that's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face."
  • (Ellen Page) "So guess what."
  • (Michael Cera) "What? -- I don't know --"
  • (Ellen Page) "I'm pregnant."
  • (Ellen Page) "I named my guitar "Roosevelt"-not Ted, Franklin. You know, the hot one, with polio."
  • (Ellen Page) "They were Mark and Vanessa Loring. And they were beautiful even in black and white."
  • (Ellen Page) "I'm pregnant."
  • (Michael Cera) "What should we do?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Well, I should just -- I was thinking I'd just nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Because they were talking about in health class how pregnancy -- It can often lead to an infant."
  • (Michael Cera) "Typically, yeah -- Yeah that's what happens when our mothers and teachers get pregnant."
  • (Ellen Page) "My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Zeus' wife?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful but really mean, like Diana Ross."
  • (Ellen Page) "Oh, wicked pic in the PennySaver, by the way. Super classy; not like those people with the fake woods in the background. Honestly who do they think they're fooling?"
  • (Jennifer Garner) "You found us in the PennySaver?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Orange Tic-Tacs are Bleeker's one and only vice. When we made out, the day I got pregnant, his mouth tasted really tangy and delicious."
  • (Ellen Page) "Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale."
  • (Ellen Page) "Hi, I'm calling to procure a hasty abortion --"
  • (Ellen Page) "It's a baby. It's your baby. It kinda looks like it's waving, you know, like it's saying, "Hey Vanessa, will you be my mom?""
  • (Jennifer Garner) "Aww, it kind of does."
  • (Ellen Page) "Hey, yeah, uh, I'm just calling to procure a hasty abortion. What?; Can you just hold on for a second, I'm on my hamburger phone."
  • (Ellen Page) "He said her house smells like soup."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Oh my god it does. I was there like four years ago for her birthday party. It's like Lipton landing."
  • (Ellen Page) "I'm just like losing my faith with humanity."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Can you can narrow that down for me?"
  • (Ellen Page) "I just wonder if like, two people can ever stay together for good."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "You mean like couples?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Yeah, like people in love."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Are you having boy troubles? Because I gotta be honest with you; I don't much approve of dating in your condition, 'cause well -- that's kind of messed up."
  • (Ellen Page) "Dad, no."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Well, it's kind of skanky. Isn't that what you girls call it? Skanky? Skeevy?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Please stop."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Tore up from the floor up?"
  • (Ellen Page) "That's not what it's about. I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Well, it's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
  • (Ellen Page) "Yeah. And I think I've found that person."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Yeah sure you have; your old D-A-D. You know I'll always be there to love you and support you no matter what kind of pickle you're in -- Obviously."
  • (Ellen Page) "Dad, I think I'm just going to, like, shove out for a sec, but I won't be home late."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Ok. You were talking about me right?"
  • (Ellen Page) ""Most Fruitful Yuki"? What is -- Oh my god, she's a pregnant superhero."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Isn't that great? I got it when I was in Japan with my band. She reminds me of you."
  • (Ellen Page) "Wow, I actually feel like less of a fat dork now."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Yuki is bad ass, man. You should be proud to be in the same condition."
  • (Punk Receptionist) "Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry."
  • (Ellen Page) "No, thanks. I'm off sex right now."
  • (Punk Receptionist) "My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie."
  • (Ellen Page) "So have you and Vanessa thought of a name for the baby yet?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Well, sort of. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl."
  • (Ellen Page) "Madison? Isn't that a little -- gay?"
  • (Steve Rendazo) "Hey, your book fell apart."
  • (Ellen Page) "Right?"
  • (Steve Rendazo) "It must've looked at your face."
  • (Ellen Page) "I think I'm in love with you."
  • (Michael Cera) "You mean as friends?"
  • (Ellen Page) "No -- I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know --"
  • (Michael Cera) "I try really hard, actually."
  • (Ellen Page) "It ended with a chair."
  • (Ellen Page) "What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort."
  • (Michael Cera) "No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup."
  • (Ellen Page) "You should try talking to it. 'Cause, like, supposedly they can hear you even though it's all, like, ten-thousand leagues under the sea."
  • (Ellen Page) "I'm going to really start looking like a dork soon. Will you still think I'm cute if I'm huge?"
  • (Michael Cera) "I always think you're cute. I think you're beautiful."
  • (Ellen Page) "This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen."
  • (Ellen Page) "Silencio, Old Man."
  • (Ellen Page) "Yea, you just take Soupy-Sales to prom I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? Cause all those things, would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you."
  • (Michael Cera) "You're being really immature -- You have no reason to be mad at me, I mean, you know, you broke MY heart. I should be royally ticked off at you. I should be really cheesed off, I shouldn't want to talk to you anymore."
  • (Ellen Page) "What? Cause I got bored and had sex with you and I didn't want to like marry you?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Like I'd marry you. You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and then 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la'"
  • (Ellen Page) "You just take Katrina the douchepacker to prom. I'm sure you two will have like a real bitchin' time."
  • (Michael Cera) "Well, I still have your underwear."
  • (Ellen Page) "God, why is everyone always staring at me?"
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Well, you are kind of -- convex."
  • (Ellen Page) "Wow, someone's been actually doing her geometry homework for once."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "I don't have a choice. Keith's been grading me really hard lately."
  • (Ellen Page) "Please do not refer to Mr. Conyers as "Keith," okay? My barf reflex is already heightened these days."
  • (Ellen Page) "You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events."

Jason Bateman as Mark Loring

  • (Jason Bateman) "She just hates when I sit around watching movies and 'not contributing.'"
  • (Ellen Page) "I'll handle this. I'm really good at diffusing mom-type rage."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You are so young."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Why does everyone think yellow is gender neutral? I never knew a guy with a yellow room."
  • (Jason Bateman) "I mostly work from home. I'm a composer"
  • (Ellen Page) "No s***. Like Johannes Brahms?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "No, more commercial stuff"
  • (Ellen Page) "Like what?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Commercials."
  • (Jason Bateman) "It's not an apartment, it's a loft."
  • (Jennifer Garner) "Well, aren't you the cool guy?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "So -- Let's talk about how we're going to do this thing."
  • (Ellen Page) "What do you mean? Don't I just have the thing? Squeeze it on out and hand it over?"
  • (Gerta Rauss) "Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption --"
  • (J. K. Simmons) "What do you mean?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Wait -- No. I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament."
  • (Gerta Rauss) "-- So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?"
  • (Ellen Page) "SSHHIT. YES. Close it up."
  • (Jason Bateman) "You could just wait a couple months. It's not like the baby's going to storm in here any second and demand dessert-colored walls."
  • (Jennifer Garner) "What to Expect says that readying the baby's room is an important process for women. It's called "nesting.""
  • (Jason Bateman) "Nesting, huh? Are you planning to build the crib out of twigs and saliva?"
  • (Jason Bateman) "Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff."
  • (Ellen Page) "She gave you -- your own room in -- in your whole house? For your -- for your stuff? Wow, she's got you on a long leash, Mark."

Allison Janney as Bren

  • (Allison Janney) "I think that kids get bored and have intercourse."
  • (Allison Janney) "When you move out I'm getting two Weimaraners."
  • (Ellen Page) "WHOA DREAM BIG."
  • (Allison Janney) "Oh, go fly a kite."

J. K. Simmons as Mac MacGuff

  • (J. K. Simmons) "And this, of course, is Juno."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Like the city in Alaska?"
  • (Ellen Page) "No."
  • (Jason Bateman) "No? Hon, shall we sit down and get to know one another?"
  • (Jennifer Garner) "Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or --"
  • (Ellen Page) "I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Whats that thing?"
  • (Jennifer Garner) "It's a Pilates machine."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "What do you make with it?"
  • (Jennifer Garner) "Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Oh. My wife ordered one of those Tony Little Gazelles off the television -- I don't know about that guy. He doesn't look right."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when."
  • (Ellen Page) "I don't know what kind of girl I am."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "And I'm gonna punch that bleeker kid in the wiener next time i see him."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over your house."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Did you see that coming?"
  • (Allison Janney) "Yeah -- but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "That was my first instinct too. Or a DWI -- anything but this."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt."
  • (J. K. Simmons) "Liberty Bell, if you put one more Bac-O on that potato, I'll spank your monkey behind."

Olivia Thirlby as Leah

  • (Ultrasound Technician) "Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?"
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Yes."
  • (Ellen Page) "No."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Pleease, Juno, please."
  • (Ellen Page) "No, there will be no sex."
  • (Ultrasound Technician) "Planning to be surprised when you deliver?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything."
  • (Ultrasound Technician) "Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?"
  • (Ellen Page) "No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents."
  • (Ultrasound Technician) "Oh, well thank goodness for that."
  • (Allison Janney) "What's that supposed to mean?"
  • (Ultrasound Technician) "I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in."
  • (Ellen Page) "How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?"
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Or, like, stage parents."
  • (Allison Janney) "They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far s***tier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?"
  • (Ultrasound Technician) "I guess not."
  • (Allison Janney) "What is your job title exactly?"
  • (Ultrasound Technician) "I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am."
  • (Allison Janney) "Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know."
  • (Ultrasound Technician) "Excuse me?"
  • (Allison Janney) "Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade."
  • (Ellen Page) "Bren. You's a dick. I love it."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "God, Spermy. Must you always feed?"
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "God you're getting huge. How many months has it been now?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Um it's coming up on the eighth. You should see me naked."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "I wish my funbags would get bigger."
  • (Ellen Page) "Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Hot."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "You know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "All right, how about this one? 'Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.'"
  • (Ellen Page) "Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like. And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "But you know, boys have endured worse things for nookie."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) ""Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other." Aw -- all that's missing is your bastard."
  • (Ellen Page) "I want a parakeet."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did."
  • (Ellen Page) "I'm not jealous, and I don't care. I just know he doesn't like Katrina and I don't think he should toy with her emotions like that. She seems so nice and all."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Whoa. Check out Baby Big Head. Dude, that thing is freaky lookin'."
  • (Ellen Page) "Excuse me. I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell."
  • (Olivia Thirlby) "Yum, this pretzel tastes like a freaking DONUT."

Jennifer Garner as Vanessa Loring

  • (Jennifer Garner) "How do I look?"
  • (Allison Janney) "Like a new mom. Scared s***less."
  • (Jennifer Garner) "You think you're really going to do this?"
  • (Ellen Page) "Yea, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter."
  • (Jennifer Garner) "That's great."
  • (Jason Bateman) "Keep it in the oven."
  • (Jennifer Garner) "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
  • (Ellen Page) "I'm not crying, I'm just allergic to fine home furnishing."

Michael Cera as Paulie Bleeker

  • (Michael Cera) "I still have your underwear."
  • (Ellen Page) "I still have your virginity."
  • (Michael Cera) "Would you shut up?"
  • (Michael Cera) "You seem to be getting pregnanter these days."
  • (Vijay) "You should grow a mustache?"
  • (Michael Cera) "I can't."
  • (Vijay) "Yeah, me neither."
  • (Michael Cera) "Come on, let me carry your bag."
  • (Ellen Page) "Oh, what's another ten pounds?"
  • (Michael Cera) "Can we make out now?"

Rainn Wilson as Rollo

  • (Rainn Wilson) "Well, well -- If it isn't MacGuff the crime dog. Back for another test?"
  • (Ellen Page) "I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign so I remain unconvinced."
  • (Rainn Wilson) "Third test today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it."
  • (Tough Girl) "It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?"
  • (Rainn Wilson) "Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice."
  • (Ellen Page) "Silencio old man. Look, I just drank my weight in Sunny-D and I gotta go pronto."
  • (Rainn Wilson) "Well, you know where the lavatory is."
  • (Rainn Wilson) "You pay for that pee stick when you're done. Don't think it's yours just cuz ya marked it with your urine."
  • (Rainn Wilson) "You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine."

Valerie Tian as Su-Chin

  • (Valerie Tian) "I'm having a little trouble concentrating."
  • (Ellen Page) "Oh well I could sell you some of my Adderall if you want."
  • (Valerie Tian) "No thanks I'm off pills."
  • (Ellen Page) "That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who like had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blah I am a Kracken from the sea.""
  • (Valerie Tian) "I heard that was you."
  • (Ellen Page) "Well, it was good seeing ya Su-Chin."
  • (Valerie Tian) "All babies want to get borned. All babies want to get borned."

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