Jerry Maguire Quotes

Jerry Maguire is a TV program that was first aired in 1970 . Jerry Maguire completed its run in 1970.

It features Cameron Crowe as producer, Nancy Wilson (rock musician) in charge of musical score, and Janusz Kamiński as head of cinematography.

Jerry Maguire is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Jerry Maguire is 139 minutes long. Jerry Maguire is distributed by TriStar Pictures.

The cast includes: Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo as Jerry Maguire, Cuba Gooding Jr. as Rod Tidwell, Renée Zellweger as Dorothy, Jared Jussim as Dicky Fox, Jonathan Lipnicki as Ray, Jeremy Suarez as Tyson Tidwell, Regina King as Marcee Tidwell, Bonnie Hunt as Laurel, Kelly Preston as Avery Bishop, Beau Bridges as Matt Cushman, Eric Stoltz as Ethan, Glenn Frey as Dennis Wilburn, and Jay Mohr as Bob Sugar.

Jerry Maguire Quotes

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo as Jerry Maguire

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "This is going to change everything."
• (Renée Zellweger) "Promise?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm not trying to make history here."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm the guy you don't usually see. I'm the one behind the scenes. I'm the sports agent, you those photos where the new player holds the team jersey and poses with the owner? Inside that building, that's where I work: S.M.I.,Sports Management International, thirty three out of shape agents, guiding the careers of one thousand five hundred eighty five of the most finely tuned athletes alive. I handle the lives and dreams of seventy two clients and I get an average of two hundred sixty four phone calls a day, that's what I do, this is what I do best, but I'll be honest with you. I started noticing a few years ago and I didn't say a word but the quest for the big dollars and a lot of the little things were going wrong, but lately, it's gotten worse who did I become? Just another shark in a suit?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'll go back to them."
• (Regina King) "And say what? "Please remove your dick from my ass"?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Don't worry, I'm not gonna do what you all think I'm gonna do, which is, you know, FLIP OUT."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I have a question for you, Rod: are we really friends?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Why not?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I mean, because, friends can tell each other anything if we have our friends hats on, right?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I think so."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "All right. I'll tell you why you don't have your ten million dollars yet. Right now, you are a paycheck player. You play with your head, not your heart. In your personal life, heart. But when you get on the field, it's all about what you didn't get, who's to blame, who under threw the pass, who's got the contract you don't, who's not giving you your love. You know what? That is not what inspires people. That is not what inspires people. Just shut up and play the game. Play it from your heart, and you know what? I will show you the quan. And that's the truth, man. That's the truth. Can you handle it? It's just a question between friends, you know? Oh, and when they call you "shrimp", I'm the one who defends you."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I don't want to be friends no more."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Fine."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "And quit using that word, "quan", that's my word."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'll see you in L.A."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "No heart -- no heart?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I'm all heart, motherf***er."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Tell me you got lost on your way to the restaurant because I know you wouldn't stand up a friend"
• (Glenn Frey) "Something came up"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "ten million dollars for four years"
• (Glenn Frey) "It's early, your still dreaming"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Ten for four and it's a deal"
• (Glenn Frey) "The guy's got an attitude problem"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I can help you with that he listens to me"
• (Glenn Frey) "His a shrimp"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "He broke every receiving record you had last year"
• (Glenn Frey) "I want a prototypical wide receiver I want someone who is six foot three inches tall, two thundered twenty pounds not someone who's five ten and bitches in the locker room"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm asking you for a favor I introduced you to your wife, we've spent Christmases together"
• (Glenn Frey) "You're reaching"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Don't do this, we have history"
• (Glenn Frey) "Yeah we have history, you've drove up the prices on me for years and now it's time for you to spend some time at the back of the line."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I don't think we need to do the thing where we tell each other everything"
• (Kelly Preston) "This is what intimacy is, don't forget tomorrow we have the dinner with Wade Cooksey"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I know about the bachelor party"
• (Kelly Preston) "Your buddy Dooler worked his ass off to make the tribute film all those guys from your office are coming, everybody loves you just calm down relax and act surprised and have an amazing time"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Rod, think about back when you were a little kid. It wasn't about the money, was it? Was it?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Was it?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I don't like black people? I am Mister black people."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Have you ever gotten the feeling that you aren't completely embarassed yet, but you glimpse tomorrow's embarrassment?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I hated myself -- no, I hated my place in the world."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "How's your head?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Bubblicious."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "two days later at our corporate conference in Miami a break through, a breakdown? No a breakthrough. I had so much to say and no one to listen and then it happened an unexpected thing: I began writing what they call a "mission statement" not a memo, a "mission statement", a suggestion for the future of our company a night like this doesn't come around very often. I seized it. What started out as one page slowly became twenty five, suddenly, I was my father's son again I was remembering the simple pleasures of this job: how I ended up here out of law school, the way a stadium sounds when one of my players performs well on the field the way we are meant to protect them in health and in injury with so many clients we've forgotten what's important I wrote, and wrote and wrote and I'm not even a writer I was even remembering the original words of my mentor the late great Dicky Fox, suddenly it was all clear: the answer was fewer clients and less money giving more attention to them, caring for them caring for ourselves. I'll be the first to admit it what I was writing was somewhat "touchy feely", I didn't care I had lost the ability to bulls***, it was the me I always wanted to be. I put the mission statement into a bag and took it to a copy mat in the middle of the night, printed a hundred and ten copies even the cover looked like The Catcher in the Rye. I entitled it:The things we think and do not say, The Future of our Business."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "That's, that's great. I'm very -- happy."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Are you listenin'?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Yes."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "That's what I'm gonna do for you: God bless you, Jerry. But this is what you gonna do for me. You listenin', Jerry?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Yeah, what, what, what can I do for you, Rod? You just tell me what can I do for you?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "It's a very personal, a very important thing. Hell, it's a family motto. Are you ready, Jerry?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm ready."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I wanna make sure you're ready, brother. Here it is: Show me the money. Oh-ho-ho. SHOW. ME. THE. MONEY. A-ha-ha. Jerry, doesn't it make you feel good just to say that. Say it with me one time, Jerry."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Show you the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Oh, no, no. You can do better than that, Jerry. I want you to say it with you, with meaning, brother. Hey, I got Bob Sugar on the other line; I bet you he can say it."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. Show you the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "No. Not show you. Show me the money."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Show me the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Yeah. Louder."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Show me the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Yes, but, brother, you got to yell that s***."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Show me the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I need to feel you, Jerry."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Show me the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Jerry, you got to yell."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Show me the money. Show me the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Do you love this black man."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I love the black man. Show me the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I love black people."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I love black people."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Who's your motherf***er, Jerry?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "You're my motherf***er."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Whatcha gonna do, Jerry?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Show me the money."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Unh. Congratulations, you're still my agent."

• (Jared Jussim) "I love the mornings. I clap my hands every morning and say, 'This is gonna be a great day.'"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I don't believe this. How'd I get myself into this?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Right now you're paying twenty five percent to SMI. I would cut my commission by seven percent, I'm going to make this choice easy for you: what does your heart tell you?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "America still sets the tone for the world of sports, in Indiana I signed Clark Hodd, his only thirteen years old and is considered the best point guard in the country and last week he scored a hundred points: in a single game. I also signed Erica Sorgi, you'll see her in the next Olympics. In Seattle I signed Dallas Malloy, she's sixteen years old and her lawsuit helped paved the way for women boxers everywhere, whenever she fights she thinks about her ex-boyfriend. In Indio, California I signed Art Stallings he plays the sport with what pure joy. In Odessa, Texas I signed the great Frank Cushman this April twenty six teams will be falling all over themselves in order to sign him in the next NFL draft his my client, my most important client, believe me there's genius everywhere but until they turn pro it's like popcorn in the pan some pop, some don't"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm sorry to hear that. I think you're making a big mistake. I'm concerned about you, your family and your future and if you stay here, I don't know what's going to happen."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I hear what you're saying and that's why I'm calling."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I hear that you hear what I'm saying, but do you truly "hear" what I'm saying? Didn't you tell my wife more "personal attention"? Did you not tell my wife more "personal attention"?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I said more "personal attention"."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "We need to get started on my list of things you need to know: you can take notes if you want to, I'm sitting here with an ant problem I got ants going up and down my hallway my brother's room has a flood. My house is falling apart, nobody's looking out for me, we don't know where we'll be living in a year and I'm supposed to be a superstar. I am a role model, I have a family to support I like you, my wife likes you your good to my wife I will stay with you."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "what's up?"
• (Jay Mohr) "I came here to let you go"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Pardon?"
• (Jay Mohr) "I came here to fire you it's real, you should say something"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "In a crowded restaurant so I won't make a scene you ungrateful --"
• (Jay Mohr) "You should see yourself you said "fewer clients" and put it all down on paper what about me? What I had to go through, knowing I had to fire my mentor? Carrying that all in my head for a week, can you get past yourself for a minute?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "You'll lose"
• (Jay Mohr) "You wanted it smaller"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm over it and I want all my clients and yours too"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm still sort of moved by your "My word is stronger than oak" thing."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I started talking to Dennis Wilburn about your re-negotiation this morning."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Talking. Jerry Rice, Andre Reed, Chris Carter -- I smell all these fools. They are making the big sweet dollars. They are making the -- quan, and you are talking."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I wonder what he just said."
• (Renée Zellweger) "My favorite aunt is hearing impaired. He just said "You complete me"."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You -- complete me."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "What are you doing with me, Rod?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Why?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm finished, I'm f***ed. Twenty-four hours ago, man, I was hot. Now -- I'm a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I'm wearing, you like it? Because I don't really need it. Because I'm cloaked in failure. I lost the number one draft picked the night before the draft. Why? Let's recap: Because a hockey player's kid made me feel like a superficial jerk. I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a conscience."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Well, boo-f***ing-hoo"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I won't let you get rid of me."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game featuring you, while singing your own song in a new commercial, starring you, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not sleep until that happens. I'll give you fifteen minutes to call me back."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "The f***in zoo is closed, Ray."
• (Jonathan Lipnicki) "You said f***."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Uh -- yeah -- I --"
• (Jonathan Lipnicki) "Don't worry. I won't tell."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I love you. You -- you complete me. And I just --"
• (Renée Zellweger) "Shut up,"
• (Renée Zellweger) "just shut up."
• (Renée Zellweger) "You had me at "hello". You had me at "hello"."

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "But if anybody else wants to come with me, this moment will be the ground floor of something real and fun and inspiring and true in this godforsaken business and we will do it together. Who's coming with me besides -- "Flipper" here?"

• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "What'd you know about dating a single mother?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Plenty, I was raised by a single mother."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Tell me everything because after this I think she's going to have to take that job in San Diego."
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Single mothers don't date they've been to the circus they've been to the puppet shows and they've seen the strings do you love her?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "How do I know?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "What'd you mean? How do you know? You know when you know."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I don't want her to go, we hang out at her place a lot"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Wait a minute that's bulls*** you have to be fair to her a single mother is a scared thing you've got to have the talk, she loves you, if you don't love her you've got to tell her."

Cuba Gooding Jr. as Rod Tidwell

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "You are hanging on by a very thin thread and I dig that about you."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "No, I air-dry."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I feel for you, man. But a real man wouldn't shoplift the pootie from a single mom."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I didn't shoplift the pootie."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "All right. I shoplifted the pootie."

• (Roy Firestone) "your father leaves on Christmas Eve and leaves your family all alone. Your mother had to sweep out the steps of the prison just to earn enough money for tuition for you, your brother loses his leg in a tragic bass fishing accident: there's been a list of horrific things that have happened to you"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "You're not going to make me cry"
• (Roy Firestone) "We have some very good news. This has just been handed to me, it's a memo that's signed it's a contract guaranteed to the Arizona Cardinals for four years $11.2 million."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I am a valuable commodity. I go across the middle. I see a dude coming at me, trying to kill me, I tell myself "Get killed. Catch the ball.' BOO YA. Touchdown. I make miracles happen."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Rod --"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I'm from Arizona, Jerry. I broke Arizona records. I went to Arizona State. I'm a Sun Devil, man."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "And now you want Arizona dollars?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Exaaaacctly."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Ya know. Ya know. We're together on this one. Ya know. Ya know."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Oh my god."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Maybe you don't. Because it's not just the money I deserve. It's not just the "coin." It's the --; "the kwan"."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "That's your word?"
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Yeah, man, it means love, respect, community -- and the dollars too. The package. The kwan."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "But how did you get "kwan?""
• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "I got there from "coin," dude. Coin, coin -- kwaaaan."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Jerry Maguire, my agent. You're my ambassador of Kwan."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "You tell me to eat lima beans, I'll eat lima beans"

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Quit using that word. "Quan", that's my word."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Anyone else would have left you by now, but I'm sticking with you. And if I have to ride your ass like Zorro, you're gonna show me the money."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "Thanks for coming."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I missed ya. What can I say? You're all I've got."

• (Cuba Gooding Jr.) "You bet on me like I bet on you."

Renée Zellweger as Dorothy

• (Renée Zellweger) "I've had three lovers in the past four years, and they all ran a distant second to a good book and a warm bath."

• (Renée Zellweger) "Maybe love shouldn't be such hard work."

• (Renée Zellweger) "I have this great guy. And he loves my son. And he sure does like me a lot."

• (Renée Zellweger) "On the surface, everything seems fine. I've got this great guy. And he loves my kid. And he sure does like me a lot. And I can't live like that. It's not the way I'm built."

• (Renée Zellweger) "I'm sure giving a ride would just make your day to drive us all the way out to Manhattan Beach making that left a little tiny wider than the street playing chicken with the oncoming traffic, your life flashing before your eyes I've obviously had too much coffee"

• (Renée Zellweger) "I was inspired, and I'm an accountant."

• (Renée Zellweger) "I just want to be inspired."

• (Renée Zellweger) "I love him. I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is."

• (Renée Zellweger) "He's coming over."
• (Bonnie Hunt) "Tonight?"
• (Renée Zellweger) "He just lost his best client. I invited the guy over."
• (Bonnie Hunt) "Dorothy, this is not a guy. It's a syndrome. Early mid-life. Hanging on to the bottom rung. "Dear God, don't let me be alone or I call my newly-long-suffering-assistant-without-medical for company settlement." If now all you still want is him to come over, I'm not saying anything."
• (Renée Zellweger) "Honey, he's engaged."

Kelly Preston as Avery Bishop

• (Kelly Preston) "There is no real loyalty, and the first person who taught me that was you."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I figure I was trying to sleep with you at the time."
• (Kelly Preston) "Well, it worked."

• (Kelly Preston) "Don't ever stop f***ing me."

• (Kelly Preston) "There is a sensitivity thing that some people have. I don't have it. I don't cry at movies, I don't gush over babies, I don't buy Christmas presents 5 months early, and I DON'T tell the guy who just ruined both our lives, "Oh, poor baby." But I do love you."

• (Kelly Preston) "If you ever want me to be with another woman for you, I'd do it. It's not something I'm interested in. Once, yeah, it seemed normal, but it was just a phase, a college thing, like torn Levi's or law school for you. Would you like something from the kitchen? I'm gonna get some fruit."

Jared Jussim as Dicky Fox

• (Jared Jussim) "The key to this business is personal relationships."

• (Jared Jussim) "If this"
• (Jared Jussim) "is empty, this"
• (Jared Jussim) "doesn't matter."

• (Jared Jussim) "Hey, I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you my kind of success."

Beau Bridges as Matt Cushman

• (Beau Bridges) "What you do have is my whole word, and it's stronger than oak."

Regina King as Marcee Tidwell

• (Regina King) "1.5 million? Man, we owe more than that."

• (Regina King) "I'm sorry, I'm just a little pregnant here."

• (Regina King) "What do you stand for?"
• (Renée Zellweger) "How about a little piece of integrity in this world that is so full of greed and a lack of honorability that I don't know what to tell my son. Except, "Here. Have a look at a guy who isn't yelling 'Show me the money." Did you know he's broke? He is broke and working for you for free. Broke. Broke, broke, broke. I'm sorry I'm just not as good at the insults as she is."
• (Regina King) "No, that was pretty good."

• (Regina King) "I'm glad to see you finally made it Rod is very upset"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "How can I make your life better?"
• (Regina King) "This is humiliating and I'm pregnant and incapable of bulls***, where is our offer from Arizona? I don't know what you do for your four percent but my husband has a whole plan, an image and when you put him in a waterbed warehouse commercial you're making him common when you know he deserves the big four: shoes, cars, clothing line, soft drink I know about the four jewels of the celebrity endorsement dollar I majored in marketing and so did my husband we came to play"

Jonathan Lipnicki as Ray

• (Jonathan Lipnicki) "What's wrong, Mommy?"
• (Renée Zellweger) "First class, that's what's wrong. It used to be a better meal, now it's a better life."

• (Jonathan Lipnicki) "Did you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Did you know that Troy Aikman, in only six years, has passed for 16,303 yards?"
• (Jonathan Lipnicki) "D'you know that bees and dogs can smell fear?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "Did you know that the career record for hits is 4,256 by Pete Rose who is NOT in the Hall of Fame?"
• (Jonathan Lipnicki) "D'you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?"
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I -- I can't compete with that."

Bonnie Hunt as Laurel

• (Bonnie Hunt) "I'm incapable of small talk."

• (Bonnie Hunt) "I heard."
• (Renée Zellweger) "No kidding. I looked over and saw the shadow of two curious shoes under the kitchen door."
• (Bonnie Hunt) "Dorothy, this guy would go home with a gardening tool if it showed interest."

• (Bonnie Hunt) "You f*** this up, I'll kill you."
• (Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay makes a cameo) "I'm glad we had this talk."

Eric Stoltz as Ethan

• (Eric Stoltz) "Everybody loves you. Pisses me off."

Jeremy Suarez as Tyson Tidwell

• (Jeremy Suarez) "Yeah. That's my mo-fo."
• (Jeremy Suarez) "Oops."
• (Regina King) "Uh-uh. Come here."
• (Regina King) "How about you be the first man in the family to stop using that phrase, and then maybe we'll let you live."

Jay Mohr as Bob Sugar

• (Jay Mohr) "I'm calling you first because you're most important person in sports and I just want to know one thing: how does that make you feel? I will kill for you, I will mane for you, I will rape and pillage for you. I just want to be the first to tell you that I was talking to Doritos about you and they're interested, I just need to know are you in? Or are you out? You'll be so happy you stayed with me because I am the f***ing terminator, I don't want to say if it was drug induced or whatever but the fact is he completely f***ing freaked out. I don't know if you want a guy like that representing you going to the draft, there I said my peace, how's your mom?"

• (Jay Mohr) "It's not "show friends." It's show business."

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