Horse Feathers Quotes

Horse Feathers is a TV show that appeared on TV in 1970 . Horse Feathers completed its run in 1970.

It features Herman J. Mankiewicz (uncredited) as producer, John Leipold in charge of musical score, and Ray June as head of cinematography.

Horse Feathers is recorded in English language and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Horse Feathers is 68 minutes long. Horse Feathers is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Chico Marx as Baravelli, Thelma Todd as Connie, David Landau as Jennings, Zeppo Marx as Frank, Groucho Marx as Professor, and Harpo Marx as Pinky.

Horse Feathers Quotes

Zeppo Marx as Frank

• (Professor Wagstaff) "So. I caught you at last. Then you are fooling around with this woman. Oh, the shame of it. That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father."
• (Zeppo Marx) "Dad, I can --"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Enough of this. You leave here immediately and I'll stay here and settle with this woman. And as soon as we're settled, we'll have you over for dinner. On second thought, I'll go with you. Come, follow me."

• (Zeppo Marx) "Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible."

• (Zeppo Marx) "Dad wants me to give you up. You know, you're interfering with my studies."
• (Thelma Todd) "Ha-ha-ha. He must think I'm terrible."
• (Zeppo Marx) "But I think you're wonderful. You're beautiful."
• (Thelma Todd) "Are you making love to me?"

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps. The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girls basketball team. We've gotta win this game. You understand? Even if we have to use our star player, number 37. You remember her, don't ya? The quarterback gets the ball, goes around left end and make a lateral pass to the right guards."
• (Zeppo Marx) "Hey, Dad --"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Wait a minute. Boys, if you can't beat that bunch of half witted goofs --"
• (Zeppo Marx) "Hey, Dad --"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "What do you want?"
• (Zeppo Marx) "Well, you're talking to the wrong team."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me."

Chico Marx as Baravelli

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?"
• (Chico Marx) "That's easy. First is a captain, then is a lieutenant, then is a corpuscle."

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?"
• (Chico Marx) "You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffeur."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of a car have you got?"
• (Chico Marx) "Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffeur."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Well maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?"
• (Chico Marx) "Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Well that shows you how little I know. I would've kept the car and sold the chauffeur."
• (Chico Marx) "That's a-no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Well if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?"
• (Chico Marx) "He don't have to take me to work, I no got a job."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?"

• (Professor Wagstaff) "I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College."
• (Chico Marx) "That means nothing to me."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College."
• (Chico Marx) "Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long."

• (Biology Professor) "The liver if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis."
• (Chico Marx) "Sure. cirrhosis are red; so violets are blue; so sugar is sweet; so, so are you."

• (Chico Marx) "Oh, Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here?"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Nothing, right now. But, I was doing alright until you came in."
• (Thelma Todd) "Oh, so you know the Professor."
• (Chico Marx) "Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Now all's I gotta do is get him off the couch."

• (Professor Wagstaff) "In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?"
• (Chico Marx) "Well, first we want a football."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it."
• (Chico Marx) "I no think I can sleep on a football."

• (Chico Marx) "You gotta brother?"
• (Mullen) "No."
• (Chico Marx) "You gotta sister?"
• (Mullen) "Yeah."
• (Chico Marx) "Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us."
• (Mullen) "Yeah? What happened to her?"
• (Chico Marx) "She hadda accident in her automobile."
• (McCarthy) "Ah, she has no automobile."
• (Chico Marx) "Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car."
• (Mullen) "You will, eh? Well, I have no sister."
• (Chico Marx) "That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on."

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Well, now that you're a college boy, here's your hat, here's your pennant, here's your coat. Alright, report for football practice in the morning. I want you to sign this agreement."
• (Chico Marx) "Hey, there's nothing on this paper."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "That's alright. We'll fill in something later. Here, put your name on there, eh?"

• (Chico Marx) "Lady, I like you. You've got something, but I don't know what it is."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "If he thinks I'm gonna tell him, he's crazy."

• (Chico Marx) "You sing-a high."
• (Thelma Todd) "Yes, I have a falsetto voice."
• (Chico Marx) "That's-a funny; my last pupil she had-a false set-a teeth."

Thelma Todd as Connie

• (Professor Wagstaff) "You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw the American Tragedy?"
• (Thelma Todd) "Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boat house didn't have one."

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Did my son tell you; you had beautiful eyes?"
• (Thelma Todd) "Why, yes."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "He told me that too. He tells that to everyone he meets."

• (Unnamed) "Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?"
• (Thelma Todd) "I do."
• (Unnamed) "Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?"
• (Harpo Marx) "We do."

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Listen, madame, you've gotta give my son up."
• (Thelma Todd) "Give him up?"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "You can't take him from me. He's all I've got in the world except a picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware."
• (Thelma Todd) "But, Professor, I --"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Whatever you say is a lie. He's only a shell of his former self, which nobody can deny. Whoopee."
• (Thelma Todd) "Oh."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?"

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Who was that?"
• (Thelma Todd) "The iceman."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice."
• (Thelma Todd) "Oh."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "That iceman stuff leaves me cold. And if I leave you cold, I'm not the man I used to be."

• (Thelma Todd) "Is gweat big stwong man gonna tell icky baby all about the bad football signals?"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Was that you or the duck? 'Cause if it was you, I'm going to finish this ride with the duck."

• (Professor Wagstaff) "Let's see. Where were we? Oh, yes, I was on your lap; and doing pretty well as I recall it."
• (Thelma Todd) "Quick. Hurry. Get out. Hurry. And remember, stay under cover."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "You've got more students than the college."

• (Thelma Todd) "But Professor, I don't understand."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "You don't, eh. Well, I want to see you. Come right over to my office. You can't? You're in bed? Well, in that case, I'll come over to your office."

• (Thelma Todd) "Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes."

• (Thelma Todd) "If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat."

David Landau as Jennings

• (David Landau) "I want to talk to Baravelli. Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would you?"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Well, I'd love to step out, but, I'd have to see the girl first."

• (David Landau) "If this is a singing lesson I'm a ring-tailed monkey."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it."

• (David Landau) "Now look, all you've got to do is to get to Professor Wagstaff. He's got the Huxley signals and I'm depending on you to get them here before the game."
• (Thelma Todd) "Yes, but how?"
• (David Landau) "You know how. Romance him, baby. Romance him. And remember, all you're to get is football signals."

• (David Landau) "Baravelli, I've got a proposition for you."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Watch yourself, Baravelli. He's almost as crooked as you are."

• (David Landau) "What are you doing here?"
• (Chico Marx) "Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons."
• (David Landau) "Since when are you taking singing lessons?"
• (Chico Marx) "Since you came in."
• (David Landau) "What are you doing here?"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years."

• (David Landau) "Pretty popular place, huh?"
• (Professor Wagstaff) "Yes, a hot dog stand would clean up here."

Groucho Marx as Professor

• (Groucho Marx) "The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you."
• (Professor Wagstaff) "I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions."

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