Have I Got News for You Quotes

Have I Got News for You is a Comedy panel game that first aired in 1990 on BBC Two. Have I Got News for You ended in 1970.

Have I Got News for You was on for 497 (as of 2019 4 5 and lc=yes) episodes. Have I Got News for You is created by Harry Thompson.

Have I Got News for You is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Have I Got News for You is 30 minutes (standard) long. Have I Got News for You is produced by Hat Trick Productions.

Have I Got News for You Quotes

• (Paul Merton) "General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last."
• (Ian Hislop) "New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants."
• (Tom Baker) "How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death?"
• (Ian Hislop) "Angus takes his stabilisers off."
• (Paul Merton) "Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton."

• (Ian Hislop) "It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language."

• (Michael Brown) "There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right --"
• (Paul Merton) "Well, we can't compete with this level of research."

• (Paul Merton) "Bank."

• (Paul Merton) "So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train."

• (Ian Hislop) "Ah, you were on a "beaver" theme."
• (Unnamed) "I thought you were saying that sex was "invading the creek", and I loved that."
• (Ian Hislop) "Well, we could do a retake."

• (Piers Morgan) "Is the answer jam?"
• (Angus Deayton) "Not in so many words, no."
• (Piers Morgan) "I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it."
• (Ian Hislop) "People like him."

• (Ian Hislop) "Louis Farrakhan says America is racist and he blames the Jews."

• (Graeme Garden) "That bloke on the top right is saying "For God's sake somebody go 'klahoma.""

• (Des Lynam) "Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock; "oh, so that's what I've been sniffing all this time.""

• (Angus Deayton) "Apparently the Queen also refers to John Prescott as "Two Jags"."
• (Paul Merton) "That's rich coming from Elizabeth "Six castles" Windsor."

• (Angus Deayton) "Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?"
• (Paul Merton) "Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders."
• (Angus Deayton) "Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it."
• (Paul Merton) "What does that mean?"
• (Ian Hislop) "It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult."

• (Ian Hislop) "I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?"
• (Paula Yates) "You say one more thing, he's going to hit you."
• (Paul Merton) "Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours."

• (Angus Deayton) "Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now."

• (Angus Deayton) "I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel."
• (Paul Merton) "Swallow?"

• (Des Lynam) "Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother."

• (Boris Johnson) "I couldn't disagree with you less."

• (Mark Steel) "They're like an old couple with some holiday brochures. "Where shall we invade next? Cuba looks nice.""

• (Unnamed) "I hate bread. Ever since I was seven. That's not food, it's a napkin."
• (Ian Hislop) "You know, historically it is food. All those ducks can't be wrong."
• (Unnamed) "It's bad for the ducks too. It's Quack Cocaine."

• (Des Lynam) "After Archer was implicated, we thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person. How wrong we were."

• (Angus Deayton) "Michael Winner also admitted, "I actually find it slightly funny when a celebrity dies; which I shouldn't". Don't worry, Michael, we'll all piss ourselves when you die."

• (Angus Deayton) "The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?"
• (Sheila Hancock) "Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y."
• (Angus Deayton) "Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world --"
• (Paul Merton) "I-T?"
• (Angus Deayton) "-- you actually spell 'it', I-T."
• (Sheila Hancock) "Oh, I-T -- Oh, please. Oh -- That is pathetic."
• (Paul Merton) "Sheila Hancock's a respected actress. You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?". She's a respected actress."
• (Ian Hislop) "You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle."

• (Ian Hislop) "Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed."

• (Stephen Fry) "Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot?"

• (Angus) "Half an hour on a giraffe?"
• (Paul Merton) "No, not right now I've got to do this."
• (Paul Merton) "I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes"
• (Angus) "You don't need to tell me."
• (Paul Merton) "Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start.""

• (Angus Deayton) "Yes, this is the Pokémon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pokémon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr. Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set."

• (Tom Baker) "I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire."
• (Ian Hislop) "She was a witch, was she?"
• (Tom Baker) "She may have been a witch, but oh, she was a goer."

• (Jack Dee) "Yes, Queen Elizabeth I was bald and had wooden teeth and yet somehow managed to remain a virgin."

• (Paul Merton) "I can see you as Zorro."
• (Ian Hislop) "Zorro, the gay blade."
• (Des Lynam) "I've never been accused of that; yet."

• (Ian Hislop) "It'll be paid for out of efficiency cuts. Which means sacking people, usually. The idea that the NHS wasn't 7 days is a bit of a scandal, anyway. One of the reasons it's not is because GPs were given this amazing contract where they don't have to work after hours any more. And all that was outsourced to people who said they'd do it cheaper, and like most outsourcing you do it cheaper because you don't do it very well."

• (Angus Deayton) "What was right up Napoleon's street?"
• (Paul Merton) "Napoleon's house."

• (Paul Merton) "Never a frown with Gordon Brown."

• (Sean Lock) "Only 2% of people go to church in this country"
• (Paul Merton) "And they're priests."

• (Angus Deayton) "Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army."

• (Ian Hislop) "I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I said "Frosties", and then Frosties sent me a year's supply. My wife said I was an idiot and should have said "A BMW"."
• (Paul Merton) "A Desert Island with Frosties? What were you going to put on the Frosties?"
• (Ian Hislop) "Milk."
• (Paul Merton) "Where'd you get the milk?"
• (Ian Hislop) "A Coconut."
• (Paul Merton) "How'd you get in the Coconut?"
• (Ian Hislop) "With a knife I'd fashioned from my Tibia."

• (Ian Hislop) "I may be out of touch, but I've eaten a Golden Graham."

• (Unnamed) "These teenagers. What are their Mothers doing, banging on the wall yelling "You'd better be wanking in there and not bringing down a Large Corporation."?"
• (Paul Merton) "Ahem. We don't really -- Yes."

• (Angus Deayton) "What turns blue in fridge?"
• (Paul Merton) "Queen Mother."

• (Ian Hislop) "I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would."

• (Angus Deayton) "Good evening and welcome to the programme attacked this week by one viewer who wrote to complain about random way the points are allocated, on the grounds that "the level of money wagered on the outcome of this show increases week on week". So our apologies to Mr. Joseph Wall of Newark, and one point to Ian."

• (Paul Merton) "I think the quiz element of this show is overrated."

• (Des Lynam) "Archer has issued a strenuious denial; as good as a signed confession, really."

• (Angus Deayton) "And did you chat with the Queen Mother?"
• (Paul Merton) "We talked about you."
• (Angus Deayton) "No, you didn't."
• (Paul Merton) "Yes, we did."
• (Angus Deayton) "What did she say about me?"
• (Paul Merton) "I've never heard such language in all my life."

• (Paula Yates) "Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil."
• (Ian Hislop) "Sperm of the devil. Even your insults emanate from the genitals."

• (Ian Hislop) "This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage."
• (Ian Hislop) "I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground."
• (Angus Deayton) "You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?"
• (Ian Hislop) "I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever."
• (Paul Merton) "You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?"

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