Hatchet (film) Quotes

Hatchet (film) is a TV show that first aired in 1970 . Hatchet completed its run in 1970.

It features Scott Altomare, Sarah Elbert, and Cory Neal as producer, Andy Garfield in charge of musical score, and Will Barratt as head of cinematography.

Hatchet (film) is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Hatchet (film) is 83 minutes long. Hatchet (film) is distributed by Anchor Bay Entertainment.

The cast includes: Joel Murray as Shapiro, Joleigh Fioreavanti as Jenna, Mercedes McNab as Misty, Parry Shen as Shawn, Tamara Feldman as Marybeth, Joel Moore as Ben, Deon Richmond as Marcus, Tony Todd as Rev. Zombie, Robert Englund as Sampson, Joshua Leonard as Ainsley, Richard Riehle as Jim Permatteo, and Patrika Darbo as Shannon Permatteo.

Hatchet (film) Quotes

Mercedes McNab as Misty

• (Mercedes McNab) "Shut up you redneck twat."

• (Mercedes McNab) "Are you sure the number is 9-1-1? If it's the South, maybe you have to type in a different area code."

• (Mercedes McNab) "Slimeball. I can't believe I've fallen for their phony stories 3 times now."

• (Mercedes McNab) "Are you sure the number is 911?"
• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "What else would it be, dumbass?"
• (Mercedes McNab) "Well how should I know if it's the cell, maybe you have to type in a different area code."

Joleigh Fioreavanti as Jenna

• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "I can't believe I am out here in a swamp. I bet Julia Roberts didn't have to go through this before she got Mystic Pizza."

• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "But we can't just leave him out here."
• (Tamara Feldman) "Then why don't you just run off and go find him."
• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "-- That was mean."

• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "I didn't really go to NYU. It was my first choice, but I didn't get in. So I went to Hofstra."

• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "By the way? Your "woo" is so not in the moment."
• (Mercedes McNab) "Yeah? Well, your nipples are dumb."

• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "I was moving to Hollywood next month to be famous, now I'm going to die out here with all of you assholes."

• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "Eww. Brush your teeth much?"
• (Mercedes McNab) "Lick me, bitch."
• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "No thanks. I like my tongue without the syphilis."
• (Mercedes McNab) "You're syhpilis, Ms. Big Words."
• (Joleigh Fioreavanti) "-- Okay, that didn't even make sense."
• (Mercedes McNab) "Lick me."

Parry Shen as Shawn

• (Parry Shen) "Victor Crowley, hatchet face. There was a time where his father went nuts and whacked him in the face with a hatchet one night. It had something to do with him being all ugly or --"
• (Parry Shen) "something -- anyways, he died. They say if you get close to the house, you can still hear Victor Crowley crying for his dad at night --"
• (Parry Shen) "daaaaaaaaddyyy --"
• (Parry Shen) "Did you hear that?"
• (Parry Shen) "Daaaaaaaaaaddyyy --"
• (Tamara Feldman) "That's not the story."
• (Parry Shen) "Well, it is. Just go with it."
• (Tamara Feldman) "That's not even the house."
• (Parry Shen) "Christ's sake. Will you let me do my job?"
• (Parry Shen) "How you like fishing?"

• (Parry Shen) "But you only shot him once, right? Maybe you gotta shoot him more times. Like four- or six- maybe you gotta shoot him six times?"

• (Parry Shen) "Okay folks, I am your tour guide Shawn. Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some --"
• (Deon Richmond) "Ah, buddy, you don't need that thing. This is, like, the size of a Mini Cooper."

• (Parry Shen) "If you look to your right, you'll see the famous cemetery."
• (Mercedes McNab) "I don't see anything."

• (Parry Shen) "Now here on the Mississippi bayou, hundreds of fishermen and old pirates have lost their lives -- and if we're lucky, we might just see their souls floatin' over the waters where they up and died."

• (Parry Shen) "The tour is leaving right now, it's forty bones each."
• (Joel Moore) "Forty dollars?"
• (Deon Richmond) "Can you spot me?"
• (Joel Moore) "What, you don't have any cash?"
• (Deon Richmond) "No, I'm just not paying for this bulls***."

Robert Englund as Sampson

• (Robert Englund) "god**** queer's gotta squat to take a leak."

Joel Moore as Ben

• (Joel Moore) "We want to do a haunted swap tour."
• (Tony Todd) "I don't do night tours anymore, I'm not allowed to. Insurance got to high after what happened."
• (Deon Richmond) "Too bad. Let's go."
• (Joel Moore) "Wait, wait, what happened?"
• (Tony Todd) "Oh, you dont want to know."
• (Joel Moore) "I so want to know."
• (Tony Todd) "I had a tour group, out in the swamp, last Halloween. It was the mist of night, and there was this kid, who looked kind of like you, he was spooked by something in the marsh. He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods, it chilled him to his very marrow. He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry, and he had his foot dangling over the edge. He --"
• (Joel Moore) "He fell in?"
• (Deon Richmond) "A gator got him?"
• (Tony Todd) "He slipped, hit his head, on the roof -- and sued me for negligence. That cock sucker."
• (Joel Moore) "That's it?"

• (Joel Moore) "Come on, this is gonna be fun."
• (Deon Richmond) "About as fun as crabs."
• (Joel Moore) "You would know."
• (Deon Richmond) "Screw that waitress from Fezzywigs, man."
• (Joel Moore) "You did."
• (Deon Richmond) "I didn't know she had bugs in her bush."
• (Joel Moore) "She was scratching herself all night. What do you mean you didn't know? You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everyone knows that."
• (Deon Richmond) "She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener. I saw it, I asked."
• (Joel Moore) "Fabric softener."
• (Deon Richmond) "Look at you Mister Bigshot. Everyone knows that. When's the last time you got laid?"
• (Joel Moore) "-- I have sex all the time --"
• (Deon Richmond) "-shut up."

• (Joel Moore) "This place is disgusting. Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls. Everyone's just drunk and looking for a fight- you. You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that? I should have stayed at home."
• (Buddy #1) "What, so you could sit in your room and cry about Heather?"
• (Joel Moore) "Christine."

• (Joel Moore) "You gotta be f***ing kidding me."

• (Joel Moore) "This place is disgusting. Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls. Everyone is just drunk and looking for a fight- and you. You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?"

• (Joel Moore) "Can you see anything from up there?"
• (Deon Richmond) "I can see there ain't no dead elephant man gonna kill me."

• (Joel Moore) "I'm Ben."
• (Tamara Feldman) "Mary Beth."
• (Joel Moore) "Marybeth? That's a great name, because it's, it's actually two names. Most people just have one and that's kinda boring. Like Ben. But Marybeth, that's Mary and it's Beth. That's a nice coat."
• (Joel Moore) "So do you have any pets?"
• (Joel Moore) "Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?"

Joel Murray as Shapiro

• (Joel Murray) "Have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?"
• (Richard Riehle) "Sure."
• (Patrika Darbo) "Certainly not."
• (Richard Riehle) "I mean, no."

• (Joel Murray) "Tell me this is part of the tour."
• (Parry Shen) "Oh, yeah; I sink the boat every night. It's hillarious."

• (Joel Murray) "They probably got stuck just like we did and had to walk the whole way home. Right now they're probably sitting in a Denny's or something."
• (Deon Richmond) "Moons Over My Hammy, yo."

• (Joel Murray) "Have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?"

Deon Richmond as Marcus

• (Deon Richmond) "Are you afraid I'm going to kick your ass again you little bitch?"

• (Deon Richmond) "You look like you been molested by wolves."

• (Deon Richmond) "Someone wanna explain why Janey's got a gun?"
• (Parry Shen) "Yeah, why do you have a gun?"
• (Tamara Feldman) "Why should I tell you, you little con artist?"

• (Deon Richmond) ""That's a nice coat." You got some great lines."
• (Joel Moore) "What about some of your lines? That's about as classic as -- That's about as classic as -- I got nothing."
• (Deon Richmond) "Exactly."

Joshua Leonard as Ainsley

• (Joshua Leonard) "No matter what I say, it's always 'Shut up, Ainsley.' or 'You're a queer, Ainsley.' or 'Why can't you be more like you're sister, Ainsley.'"
• (Robert Englund) "I said shut up, you little queer."
• (Joshua Leonard) "See?"

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