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Good Burger Quotes

Good Burger is a TV program that was first aired in 1970 . Good Burger completed its run in 1970.

It features Mike Tollin, and Brian Robbins as producer, Stewart Copeland in charge of musical score, and Mac Ahlberg as head of cinematography.

Good Burger is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Good Burger is 95 minutes long. Good Burger is distributed by Paramount Pictures.

The cast includes: Jan Schweiterman as Kurt, Kel Mitchell as Ed, Kenan Thompson as Dexter, Josh Server as Fizz, Linda Cardellini as Heather, Shar Jackson as Monique, Dan Schneider as Mr. Baily, Carmen Electra as Roxanne, Ginny Schreiber as Deedee, Lori Beth Denberg as Connie Muldoon, Sinbad as Mr. Wheat, Hamilton Von Watts as Troy, and J. August Richards as Griffen.

Good Burger Quotes

Kel Mitchell as Ed

  • (Kel Mitchell) "I've always wanted to shave a martian."
  • (Angry Customer) "Can I get two Good Burgers?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Sorry, dude, I gotta go get 'em. Customers aren't allowed in back."
  • (Angry Customer) "Just give me two Good Burgers."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Dude, I can't just give you two Good Burgers. you hafta pay for 'em."
  • (Angry Customer) "All right, that's it. I've had it up to here with Good Burger."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "What am I supposed to do?"
  • (Carmen Electra) "Hello?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Hello. What am I supposed to do?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "What's that stuff they're putting in the burgers?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "I don't know -- but I'll bet you that's what makes those burgers grow so big."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "No, man. That stuff's got to be illegal."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "But I don't do deliveries, sir."
  • (Dan Schneider) "Well, you're doing them for now. I fired O'Malley."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Why?"
  • (Dan Schneider) "Because the boy showed up for work without his pants."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. 'Cause we're all dudes."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "It's because I'm black?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Huh. How do you like me now? I'm a dude throwing ice cream. Yeah. Here's vanilla. Take some chocolate. Yeah. Fudge."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "And that's Deedee, she's a veterinarian."
  • (Ginny Schreiber) "Vegetarian."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "That means she doesn't eat fur."
  • (Ginny Schreiber) "I won't wear fur, I don't eat meat."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "-- Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes --"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Ed? Ed. She's still unconscious, bro."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Oh."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I know some of these words."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Your head hit my golf ball. Then you went sleepy-bye."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?"
  • (Carmen Electra) "No, thanks. I just came here to see you, Ed. I'm Roxanne."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Ohhhh."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?"
  • (Unnamed) "Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "That's what I gave you."
  • (Unnamed) "No. You gave me a bun. Just a bun. Look. There's no meat in here."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "But you said you wanted nothing on it."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, but I expected a meat patty."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing"."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?"
  • (Josh Server) "Uh, something?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I win."
  • (Unnamed) "That's it. I am reporting your name to the manager."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "The manager already knows my name."
  • (Unnamed) "And I'll see you in Hell."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "OK. See you there."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Dexter's a chicken."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Mooooooo."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "You got it."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Here, have a Mondo burger --"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "What's wrong?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "I don't know, he sure does look hungry though."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Here, try a Good Burger."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "You see. I told you there was something wrong with Mondo Burger."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "He's definitely sensing something he doesn't like."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "You wanna see my secret place?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "That's not what I had in mind."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "This is Otis, the fry cook."
  • (Otis) "I should have died years ago."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Look I'm grape nose boy."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "This is where I come to think -- I think."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him of anything. So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meat supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "You thought all that?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Yeah. I'm not stupid."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "What?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Did you lose your trousers?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "No. Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man. I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger -- and he yelled at me -- and he assaulted me -- and he made fun of me --"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Boy -- you must really suck."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Hey, just remember, when you mess with Good Burger --"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "You go in the grinder."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Dexter's a chicken. Moo. Moo."
  • (Shaquille O'Neal) "Little man, I ordered tomatoes on this Good Burger, and I don't see no tomatoes."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Well, hang on --"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "There. Consider yourself tomatoed."
  • (Shaquille O'Neal) "You're not like other people are you?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Nope."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail. Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Look. I'm Grape Nose Boy. Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Stop that."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Would you stop?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "That ain't funny."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity -- Made ya laugh."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Yeah, so what? Oh, I give up."

Kenan Thompson as Dexter

  • (Kenan Thompson) "Yeah yeah, laugh it up, but when those people find out that you've been putting illegal stuff in their food, you're going to jail."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "That's why nobody outside of this room is going to find out."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?"
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "No, I'LL shut them for you."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Ed, run."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Ed, what happened?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I just tackled this old lady."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Alright. You're the man."
  • (Dan Schneider) "EXCUSE ME? But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "This is why, Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce."
  • (Dan Schneider) "How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "We'll explain it to you later, right now just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "What for?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Evidence."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "You think you strong? You'll never be half the man your mamma was."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "I never took you for much of a thinker."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Oh yeah, I think about all kinds of stuff: squirrels, cardboard boxes, things that are sticky."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "I bet you don't have one real problem, do you?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I have six toes on my left foot. What kind of problems do you have, Dexter?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Other than the ones YOU caused? A lot. Most of them started when I was a kid when my parents split up."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "I don't even remember what my dad looks like."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Okay."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Ed, I don't know how to say this --"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss.""
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Ever been to Australia?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "No."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Me neither."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "What? What are you talking about?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Okay, I give up. Who am I?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "I don't know who you are or where I've seen you before or why you think you're an attractive nurse."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "So, Monique, what're you gonna do tonight after you lock up?"
  • (Shar Jackson) "I thought I'd go home."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Home? Why?"
  • (Shar Jackson) "Well -- that's where my stuff is."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "There you are, Ed. Um, can I sit here?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "On my lap?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "No, man. I'll just sit down right next to you."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "How do you expect me to get up there?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Oh, it's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "What is this, American Gladiators?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Could you kindly point me in the direction of the little girl's room?"
  • (Otis) "I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Shark poison."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?"
  • (Ice Cream Man) "Hey, what are you doing?"
  • (Otis) "Stealing your truck."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Yeah, we'll bring it back."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "You don't wanna be partners?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "No, see --"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Is it because I'm black?"
  • (Otis) "Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?"
  • (Otis) "Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "SHARK POISON?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people."
  • (Otis) "Can you get to a phone?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "There's no chance. What time is it?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Oh, I'll tell you."
  • (Otis) "It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "That means we've only got four hours to warn them."
  • (Otis) "But how are we gonna get out of here?"

Hamilton Von Watts as Troy

  • (Otis) "What's that junk you're pouring into our sauce?"
  • (Hamilton Von Watts) "Shut up, old man."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Don't be rude to the elderly. The old man asked us a question. Now, it's called shark poison, and it's gonna make all your little Good Burger customers very, very sick."
  • (Hamilton Von Watts) "So sick that I doubt any of them will ever want to eat here again."
  • (Otis) "I'm calling the cops."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "You're not calling anyone."

Linda Cardellini as Heather

  • (Linda Cardellini) "Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "-- Not that I recall."
  • (Linda Cardellini) "D'you think I'm cute?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Sure."
  • (Linda Cardellini) "What's cute about me?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Uh -- your head."
  • (Linda Cardellini) "You have a cute head too."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Well, I try to keep it nice."
  • (Linda Cardellini) "Hi."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Hi."
  • (Linda Cardellini) "I'm a psychopath."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I'm Ed."

Ginny Schreiber as Deedee

  • (Ginny Schreiber) "Ed. There must be 50 customers out there. It's unbelievable. What do you put in that sauce?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup --"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Um, look Dexter, I like you as a friend and all but --"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "No. Listen to me carefully."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Okay."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Oh, well first you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup --"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Stop It. Stop talking. Never tell anyone the ingredients of your sauce."

Sinbad as Mr. Wheat

  • (Sinbad) "Oh, no. Ahhh. Oh, look at my box. Oh, look what you did."
  • (Sinbad) "My afro. My afro."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "WHY?"
  • (Sinbad) "Well, well, Brother Reed. You have messed up my afro."
  • (Sinbad) "Let me see your license."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Uh, yeah, regarding my license -- I'd give it to you -- but you're gonna have to wait."
  • (Sinbad) "For what?"
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Uh -- about a year -- that's when I get one. That's when they put it in my hand."

Carmen Electra as Roxanne

  • (Carmen Electra) "Do you know what would be great on this corn dog?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "A turtleneck?"
  • (Carmen Electra) "Now Ed, let's go someplace where we could be alone, and get to know each other a little better, now, doesn't that sound more fun then Miniature Golf?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Uh -- nooooo."
  • (Carmen Electra) "Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I like to have dinner every night."

Jan Schweiterman as Kurt

  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Listen, I can explain everything. This is all just a big misunderstand."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "I don't understand. I don't know what happened."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives."
  • (Police Officer) "Is that true?"
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "No. He's lying. You're lying. You're full of crap."
  • (Police Officer) "Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying."
  • (Police Officer) "I think you better come with us."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Man, you're out of your minds. You're crazy, man. You know who I am? Huh?"
  • (Police Officer) "Yeah, I know, I know."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Bye-bye."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Hey, hey, remember: when you mess with Good Burger --"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "you go in the grinder."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Yeah. Is everybody liking my party?"
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "And now -- I'm psyched to present to you people -- Mondo BURGER."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "And now people, welcome to Mondo Burger."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "You mess with Kurt, and you go in the grinder."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Okay, now this "grinder" of yours. Is it a real grinder or is it just some kind of metaphor?"
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Unbelievable. Two days ago, we had Good Burger CRUSHED. Now look at them."
  • (Hamilton Von Watts) "I think it's the sauce, boss."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "DUH. I know that."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "You think Kurt's stupid?"
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "OK, Hot Pants. I want to know what's in your sauce."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Dude, you need a tic-tac."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "I want you to bail on Good Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Who's Kurt?"
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "I'm Kurt."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I'm Ed."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "I'm aware."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "You said you were Kurt."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Can I give you a lift, Ed?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I don't know, I weigh about 150."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Just get in the car."
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Triampathol is WAY illegal. But I'll tell you what, it sure makes burgers nice and enormo."
  • (Kenan Thompson) "Yea, but what happens to all those nice, innocent people when they eat your "enormo" burgers?"
  • (Jan Schweiterman) "Uh-oh. DON'T CARE -- ladies."

Lori Beth Denberg as Connie Muldoon

  • (Lori Beth Denberg) "Hello. My name is Connie Muldoon. I'm hosting a family reunion and my oven has run amuck; I think it's the heat actuator. Anyhoo, I'd like to order, uh, three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals, and 17-piece order of your Good Chunks and, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals, I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies. Now, don't fret if that's extra; I'll pony up the overage. And, uh, oh. On the regular Good Meals, I need two of the Good Burgers to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion; I've got an interview this afternoon. Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie who doesn't eat meat but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it. Let's get Leslie a Good Chickwich, some Good Fries, and a Good Root Beer all to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait. Now, total me up."

J. August Richards as Griffen

  • (J. August Richards) "Bun. Patty. Toppings. Sauce. ASSEMBLE."

Shar Jackson as Monique

  • (Shar Jackson) "Mm, great corn-dog."
  • (Kel Mitchell) "I wonder how they get the wienie into the corny exterior?"
  • (Shar Jackson) "A question that has plagued mankind for centuries."

Dan Schneider as Mr. Baily

  • (Dan Schneider) "Ed. What are you doing inside the milkshake machine?"
  • (Kel Mitchell) "Trying to fix it."
  • (Dan Schneider) "Did you turn on the switch?"

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