Father Ted Quotes

Father Ted is a Sitcom that debuted in 1995 on Channel 4. Father Ted ended in 1998.

Father Ted lasted 25 episodes. It features Plainlist, and Geoffrey Perkins; Lissa Evans as producer, The Divine Comedy (band) as composer, and Eugene O'Connor as head of cinematography. Father Ted is executive produced by Mary Bell. Father Ted is created by Plainlist

Father Ted is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of Father Ted is 23-25 minutes long. Father Ted is produced by Hat Trick Productions.

Father Ted Quotes

• (Father Dougal) "I don't believe in organized religion"

• (Unnamed) "You bastard. Why do you always take the good ones?"

• (Mrs Doyle) "Would you like a cup of tea, Father?"
• (Unnamed) "No, I'm allergic. If I drink tea there's a chance I'll die."
• (Mrs Doyle) "Well, I'll make you one anyway."

• (Father Jack Hackett) "Drink. Feck. Arse. Girls."

• (Father Ted) "That money was just resting in my account."

• (Father Jack Hackett) "Chair. Curtains. Floor. Gobs***e."

• (Father Ted) "Heart of Gold that man, he'd do anything to you -- for you."

• (Unnamed) "He could have been Pope, Ted. But the fecking Jesuits have got it all tied up."

• (Father Jack Hackett) "That would be an ecumenical matter."

• (Father Ted) "How long has Father Jack been living in there?"
• (Father Dougal) "Uh, he started just a few days after you left."
• (Father Ted) "Maybe he's agoraphobic?"
• (Father Dougal) "Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted."

• (Father Ted) "You do realise that that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?"

• (Father Jack Hackett) "Arsebiscuits."
• (Father Niall Haverty) "How dare you say that to His Grace, you must apologize immediately."
• (Father Jack Hackett) "I'm -- so -- sooo -- sorry."
• (Father Ted) "Now that's sarcasm."

• (Father Ted) "Meals are at eleven, one, half-two, three, five, seven, and nine, and if you want a quick snack, you can just ask Mrs. Doyle there."

• (Bishop Brennan) "Crilly, It's me."
• (Father Ted) "Oh Feck."
• (Bishop Brennan) "What?"
• (Father Ted) "Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere."
• (Father Ted) "God almighty. I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan."
• (Father Dougal) "Oho. He won't like that."
• (Father Ted) "It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number."
• (Father Ted) "Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there."

• (Father Dougal) "Ted, I'm going mad."

• (Bishop Brennan) "Crilly, if you ever try to Bulls*** me like that again, I shall break off your arms."

• (Father Ted) "Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests -- more drink."

• (Unnamed) "Ted, with these Rocher you are really spoiling us."

• (Father Dougal) "Ah, what are you after, Ted?"
• (Father Ted) "I'm not after anything. It's not unknown for Priests to pray once in a while."

• (Mrs. Doyle's Friend) "I swear I won't tell anyone, and if I do may I be struck down by every disease a middle-aged woman can get, which as you and I know is a hell of a lot of diseases."

• (Unnamed) "It's all nonsense, isn't it?"

• (Father Ted) "The Chinese. A grand bunch of lads."

• (Father Ted) "You won't be able to come with me -- when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space."
• (Father Dougal) "God Ted, first America then space, what next?"

• (Father Ted) "That's the great thing about Catholicism; it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about."

• (Mrs Doyle) "I like the misery."

• (Father Dougal) "Well, Ted, as I said last time, it won't happen again."

• (Father Dougal) "Knock-knock, Ted."
• (Father Ted) "Who's there?"
• (Father Dougal) "Father Dougal McGuire."
• (Father Ted) "Good night, Dougal."

• (Father Dougal) "Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks."
• (Policeman) "Do you know where you are? You're in a police station."
• (Father Dougal) "Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken"

• (Father Larry Duff) "It's a bit hard to talk right now, Ted. The fuzz just found a box of semiautomatic weapons in the back of Father O' Brian's car."
• (Father Ted) "Ah, I never thought he'd be into that stuff."
• (Father Larry Duff) "Yeah, you think you know someone."

• (Father Ted) "Are you up to your old tricks, Tom?"
• (Tom) "No, Father. It's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms."

• (Father Dougal) "It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women."

• (Father Dougal) "Next you're going to tell us you're Santa."
• (Father Ted) "No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa."
• (Father Dougal) "The anti-Santa?"

• (Father Jack Hackett) "Nan."
• (Father Ted) "No, Father this is a nun."
• (Father Jack Hackett) "Nun."
• (Father Ted) "Bye, Father."
• (Father Ted) "He's just out for his walk"

• (Father Jack Hackett) "Nuns. Nuns. Reverse."

• (Father Ted) "The way I feel now I could convert gays."

• (Unnamed) "Can you imagine? A POLISH Pope, Ted. But it's not what you know, is it? It's who you know."

• (Father Ted) "No, no, no, no. Father Nolan was in the gas explosion. It punched a hole in his chest the size of a football. When they found him afterwards, they were only able to identify him by his dental records."
• (Father Dougal) "Poor Father Nolan."
• (Father Ted) "Yes, he's very low at the moment."

• (Mrs Doyle) "Ah, look at him there with his hairy hands."

• (Unnamed) "Isn't this great? No men around, we can do or say anything. Is that meat."

• (Father Jack Hackett) "Please. I'm trying to focus."

• (Father Dougal) "I know. Well lure them into a giant bingo game."
• (Father Ted) "And how are we going to do that?"
• (Father Dougal) "We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and -- oh."
• (Father Ted) "Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all."
• (Father Dougal) "Damn. So near, yet so far."

• (Father Ted) "Where did you manage to stick Jack in the end?"
• (Father Dougal) "Ah, they've got this great place, Ted where you can put people who don't want to go shopping. They can just stay there and have a laugh."
• (Father Ted) "Really? Never heard of that. Were there other people there?"
• (Father Dougal) "Ah, loads of people, Ted. He'll be fine."

• (Father Ted) "Are we going into Space?"

• (Father Ted) "It's fabulous being a priest; think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it."

• (Father Ted) "Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These"
• (Father Ted) "are small, but those"
• (Father Ted) "are far away -- Small, far away"
• (Father Ted) "Ah forget it --"

• (Father Jack Hackett) "Nan?"
• (Father Ted) "No, Jack, Nun."
• (Father Jack Hackett) "Nun. Arrrggghhhh."

• (Unnamed) "Oh, Ted. We'll never see him again."
• (Father Ted) "We'll see him in Heaven, Father."
• (Unnamed) "Oh, yeah. Right."

• (Mrs Doyle) "Will you not have a cup of tea, Father?"

• (Mrs Doyle) "I've arranged the Ferrero Rocher into a Large Triangular Pile."

• (Unnamed) "If you're feeling unhappy all the time but don't know why, Press 1 --"

• (Mrs Doyle) "There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world."
• (Father Ted) "No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle."
• (Mrs Doyle) "Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake."
• (Father Ted) "No, thanks, Mrs Doyle."
• (Mrs Doyle) "Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it."
• (Father Ted) "WHAT?"
• (Mrs Doyle) "Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins."

• (Unnamed) "Shave a Bullock."

• (Father Ted) "It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie."
• (Father Dougal) "I didn't see that one."
• (Father Ted) "Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference."

• (Father Ted) "No, Dougal, this is too confusing, you'll have to pick a new name."
• (Father Dougal) "Ah, could we not call Jack something else?"
• (Father Ted) "Oh, great, what'll we call him? Flipper. Flipper the Priest."
• (Father Jack Hackett) "Yes?"

• (Father Dougal) "He's going to Snaketown."

• (Father Dougal) "Hello Len."
• (Bishop Brennan) "Don't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop."
• (Father Dougal) "Oh right. Well done."

• (Father Ted) "Come on, Divorce Referendum."

• (Eoin McLove) "Get away from me. I don't want to catch the menopause."

• (Tarot Reader) "This is really weird. There's only supposed to be one in each pack."

• (Father Ted) "He's back from the dead. Like that fellow -- ET."

• (Father Ted) "Go home and count your sour grapes before they hatch."

• (Unnamed) "We do everything expect UHT, but don't worry, there's no call for that because it's s***e."

• (Father Ted) "Dougal, is there anything on your mind?"
• (Father Ted) "Let me rephrase that --"

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