Dilbert (TV series) Quotes

Dilbert is a Black comedy that first aired in 1999 on UPN. Dilbert ended its run in 2000.

Dilbert lasted 2 seasons and 30 episodes. It features Jeffrey L. Goldstein as producer, Daniel Stern (actor) doing voices, Danny Elfman as theme composer, and Adam Cohen as composer. Dilbert is executive produced by Scott Adams.

Dilbert is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Dilbert is 22 minutes long. Dilbert is produced by Larry Charles and distributed by Sony Pictures Television.

Dilbert Quotes

• (Unnamed) "Everybody down, he's becoming disgruntled."

• (Unnamed) "Well I'll be."
• (Garbageman) "Actually, you already are."

• (Unnamed) "Remember, the first rule of brainstorming is to openly mock the opinions of others."

• (Bear on talk show) "Does anybody care that I'm a bear?"

• (Unnamed) "This fantasy has been a profound disappointment."

• (Panelist on talk show) "I have a poison-dart gun, you won't know what hit you."

• (Unnamed) "That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money."

• (Unnamed) "Uh-oh, it's almost full. I need a new desk."

• (Unnamed) "You said you'd wake me up at eight."
• (Unnamed) "I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes."

• (Elbonian Slavedriver) "Get to work, you lazy corpse."

• (Unnamed) "I don't see anything that could stand in our way."
• (Unnamed) "Sanity? Reality? The laws of physics?"

• (Bob Bastard) "Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?"

• (Unnamed) "Ratbert, where's Dogbert?"
• (Unnamed) "He's off somewhere installing a puppet government."
• (Unnamed) "He's always off somewhere installing a puppet government."

• (Unnamed) "Carpe diem, Dilbert."
• (Unnamed) "'Seize the day.'"
• (Unnamed) "What?"
• (Unnamed) "Carpe diem."
• (Unnamed) "I think that's a fish."

• (Unnamed) "Wow. I never knew that little people could be so sexy"
• (Unnamed) "That's disgusting. I can sue you both for making this a hostile work environment"
• (Unnamed) "Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless."
• (Unnamed) "He was senseless before I beat him."

• (Unnamed) "They say only the good die young. If that works both ways, I'm immortal."

• (Unnamed) "You can use my key to open the box with its teeth."
• (Unnamed) "To open this box I'll need something stronger than a key."
• (Unnamed) "I once killed a cougar with this key."
• (Unnamed) "It was a really small cougar."
• (Unnamed) "It might have been a potato."

• (Unnamed) "Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?"
• (Unnamed) "Of course."

• (Unnamed) "There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high."

• (Unnamed) "Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?"

• (Voicemail system) "(phone beeps) You have 937 messages -- all of which are marked "urgent"."

• (Unnamed) "Dillbert. Are you listening?"
• (Unnamed) "Of course I am. I've learned how to multi-task."
• (Unnamed) "But men can't multi-task. Only women can multi-task."

• (Unnamed) "Man, she must've blown some smoke up your butt. Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?"

• (Unnamed) "And remember, money is no object -- unless you intend to spend it."

• (Unnamed) "Well that has 'alibi' written all over it."

• (Unnamed) "Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people?"
• (Unnamed) "That's crazy talk."

• (Unnamed) "What do you think an egg dream means?"
• (Unnamed) "Hmm, probably an omen."
• (Unnamed) "A good omen?"
• (Unnamed) "How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?"
• (Unnamed) "There only has to be one."

• (Unnamed) "Shouldn't we be working?"

• (Unnamed) "Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?"

• (Unnamed) "(beep) Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day."

• (Unnamed) "That doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me."

• (Unnamed) "Standard Scrabble rules apply: no kicking, biting or slapping. No projectiles of any kind."
• (Unnamed) "Name calling?"
• (Unnamed) "Only on your own turn."

• (Unnamed) "Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out."
• (Unnamed) "Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't've done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different."

• (Unnamed) "Woo. Woo. Yes. In your face, mathboy."

• (Unnamed) "Wally, I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting."

• (Unnamed) "What makes you qualified to be a reporter?"
• (Unnamed) "I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know."

• (Unnamed) "I want you to make Asok my assistant."
• (Unnamed) "If I made Asok your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego."
• (Unnamed) "So you'll do it?"
• (Unnamed) "I need more than that. Help me help you."
• (Unnamed) "All right, let's see -- it would breed resentment through the entire employee population?"
• (Unnamed) "Uh-huh -- nice -- you make a strong case --"
• (Unnamed) "Are you thinking?"
• (Unnamed) "No, I'm toying with you. Alright, I'll do it -- on one condition."
• (Unnamed) "Name it."
• (Unnamed) "I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him."
• (Unnamed) "Deal."

• (Unnamed) "Save the technical mumbo-jumbo. I just want to know if it'll work."

• (Unnamed) "They say no man faces death wishing he'd spent more time at the office -- I guess that makes me the first."

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