Desperate Housewives (season 1) Quotes

Desperate Housewives is a TV program that debuted in 2004 on American Broadcasting Company. Desperate Housewives ended its run in 2005.

Desperate Housewives aired for List of Desperate Housewives episodes episodes.

The cast includes: Joy Lauren as Gabrielle, Joy Lauren as Edie, Doug Savant as Tom, Brent Kinsman as Rex, Pat Crawford Brown as Bree, Roger Bart as George Williams, Richard Burgi as Karl, Lucille Soong as Yao Lin, Shane Kinsman as Porter Scavo, Richard Roundtree as Mr. Shaw, Jeff Doucette as Father Crowley, Joy Lauren as Danielle Van De Kamp, Shawn Pyfrom as Bree Van De Kamp, Harriet Sansom Harris as Felicia Tilman, Joy Lauren as Danielle, Sam Lloyd as Dr. Goldfine, Alfre Woodard as Betty Applewhite, Joy Lauren as David, Mehcad Brooks as Matthew Applewhite, and Shawn Pyfrom as Andrew Van De Kamp.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

Pat Crawford Brown as Bree

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "Wait. I need to talk to you first."
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?"
• (Katherine Mayfair) "No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously -- I misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's -- Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who I am. And that's also who you are."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "So?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "So -- I don't really know HOW to be friends with you."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die."
• (Katherine Mayfair) "We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Yes, well, I have some bad news. Rex died."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "You look magnificent."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "George. This is so much better than an orchid."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "What the hell did your mother do to you?"

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off."

• (Zach Young) "Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp."
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "For what?"
• (Zach Young) "Remembering my mother."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "You've obviously never had to remove a cheese stain."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind."
• (Joy Lauren) "Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do."
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "But how?"
• (Joy Lauren) "I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?"

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "How could we have all forgotten about this?"
• (Lynette) "We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it."

• (Lynette) "Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled."
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "I've got millions of errands to run so --"
• (Lynette) "Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours; there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on."
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "If it were any other day?"
• (Lynette) "Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose."

• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Oh, my heavenly days."

Sam Lloyd as Dr. Goldfine

• (Sam Lloyd) "Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "We're, um, WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best."
• (Sam Lloyd) "You'd settle for that; a life filled with repression and denial?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "And dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties."

Shane Kinsman as Porter Scavo

• (Lynette) "Do you know what psychological warfare is?"
• (Shane Kinsman) "No?"
• (Lynette) "Too bad for you."

Joy Lauren as Gabrielle

• (Joy Lauren) "I know who she is. She's a man eating, scum sucking hoe bag."

• (Susan) "Hey, Edie."
• (Joy Lauren) "Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you."

• (Joy Lauren) "Please calm down."
• (John Rowland) "This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me."
• (Joy Lauren) "Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong."
• (John Rowland) "We could get our own place."
• (Joy Lauren) "How? You're barely making minimum wage."
• (John Rowland) "Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy."
• (Joy Lauren) "I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy."

• (Joy Lauren) "Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you."
• (Susan) "Yeah -- I have a date -- with Mike. We kissed, FYI --"
• (Joy Lauren) "So, how was the big date?"
• (Susan) "Mike had to reschedule."
• (Joy Lauren) "Aww -- 'cause of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? How devastating for you -- FYI."

• (Sister Mary Bernard) "Money can't buy happiness."
• (Joy Lauren) "Sure it can. That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting."

• (Joy Lauren) "Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people."
• (Mike Delfino) "You're telling me this on a day when I'm put in a man's prison?"
• (Joy Lauren) "Well I said the timing was bad."

• (Joy Lauren) "I'll send you back to China and you'll be on a rice paddy before the epidural wears off."

• (Carlos) "We're not very nice people, are we?"
• (Joy Lauren) "No. We're not."
• (Carlos) "Aw, when we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy."
• (Joy Lauren) "Me too."
• (Joy Lauren) "Look on the bright side; at least we're still rich."
• (Carlos) "Thank God for that."

• (John Rowland) "You know what I don't get?"
• (Joy Lauren) "What?"
• (John Rowland) "Why you married Mr. Solis."
• (Joy Lauren) "Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted."
• (John Rowland) "Well, did he?"
• (Joy Lauren) "Yes."
• (John Rowland) "Then -- why aren't you happy?"
• (Joy Lauren) "Turns out I wanted all the wrong things."
• (John Rowland) "So. Do you love him?"
• (Joy Lauren) "I do."
• (John Rowland) "Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?"
• (Joy Lauren) "Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out."

• (John Rowland) "What other option do you have? Except return the shoes and get your money back."
• (Joy Lauren) "Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're hysterical."

• (Joy Lauren) "Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids."
• (Carlos) "Deals are meant to be renegotiated."
• (Joy Lauren) "We're not negotiating my uterus."

• (Joy Lauren) "I don't even know who to be angry at."
• (Jeff Doucette) "Don't be angry, be thankful, children are a gift."
• (Joy Lauren) "I don't have time for this crap."

• (Joy Lauren) "Well, someone might as well say it -- Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?"

• (Susan) "Are you OK?"
• (Joy Lauren) "Yeah, I just didn't realise how disgusting meat can be."

• (Joy Lauren) "Well, if you need me to come in at any time then, I'll --"
• (Alfre Woodard) "Edie, we are fine. Thank you."

• (Joy Lauren) "The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened."
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Well, then, good luck on your remodel."

• (John Rowland) "This is great. Got tons of homework tonight. It's always easier to concentrate after sex."
• (Joy Lauren) "Well, I'm glad I could help. Education's very important."

• (Joy Lauren) "I don't trust friendly women."
• (Lynette) "That's ok, they don't trust you either."

• (Joy Lauren) "You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican."

• (Joy Lauren) "Damn it, John. What's our new rule?"
• (John Rowland) "Stop pretending we have a future."

• (Joy Lauren) "Hello."
• (Mehcad Brooks) "Oh, hello."
• (Joy Lauren) "Looking for something?"
• (Mehcad Brooks) "Uh, yeah. I was looking for you."
• (Joy Lauren) "Oh, really?"
• (Mehcad Brooks) "Yeah, the day we first met, I thought you were pretty cool."
• (Joy Lauren) "So I'm wondering when you were going to ask me out."
• (Joy Lauren) "'Cause I'll say 'yes'."

• (Joy Lauren) "Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?"
• (Shawn Pyfrom) "Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion with a response."

• (Joy Lauren) "We're not like other families, are we?"

• (Joy Lauren) "I want a sexy little convertible. And I want to buy one, right now."
• (Maserati Saleswoman) "I'll go start the paperwork."
• (Joy Lauren) "Well, not this one. I -- vomited in this one."

• (Joy Lauren) "The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am."

• (Joy Lauren) "What the hell kind of street do we live on, anyway?"

• (Susan) "Do you believe in evil, Edie?"
• (Joy Lauren) "Of course I believe in evil; I work in real estate."

Richard Burgi as Karl

• (Susan) "It was an accident, Karl. Edie knows it was an accident, right?"
• (Richard Burgi) "She knows you could've killed her. As it is, she's got a shattered tibia."
• (Susan) "Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I sent roses. Did she get the roses?"
• (Richard Burgi) "Yep, she cut herself with the thorns."

Roger Bart as George Williams

• (Roger Bart) "Well -- I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp."
• (Brent Kinsman) "Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex."

• (Roger Bart) "Where are you going Bree?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going."

Doug Savant as Tom

• (Lynette) "Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?"
• (Doug Savant) "You'd be cool with that?"

• (Doug Savant) "Oh Cram, I gotta Crap for that test."

• (Doug Savant) "I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery."
• (Lynette) "And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so.""
• (Lynette) "You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?"
• (Doug Savant) "You'll never prove it."

• (Doug Savant) "Forget I said it."
• (Lynette) "It's too late, you just said it."

Lucille Soong as Yao Lin

• (Lucille Soong) "I don't like lies."
• (Joy Lauren) "Yeah, well I don't like your ironing. So there."

Richard Roundtree as Mr. Shaw

• (Richard Roundtree) "Sometimes evil drives a minivan."

Alfre Woodard as Betty Applewhite

• (Alfre Woodard) "In the future, leave the cleverness to me."

• (Alfre Woodard) "Bree, us widows have to stick together."

Brent Kinsman as Rex

• (Brent Kinsman) "Are we gonna talk about what I said?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind."

• (Brent Kinsman) "Look at you -- going out?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date."
• (Brent Kinsman) "A date -- what kind of date?"
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack."
• (Pat Crawford Brown) "It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him."

Shawn Pyfrom as Andrew Van De Kamp

• (Shawn Pyfrom) "Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes."

Harriet Sansom Harris as Felicia Tilman

• (Harriet Sansom Harris) "Don't look shocked, Martha, makes your face look fat."

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