Clerks Quotes

Clerks is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . Clerks completed its run in 1970.

It features Scott Mosier as producer, and Dave Klein (cinematographer) as head of cinematography.

Clerks is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Clerks is 92 minutes long. Clerks is distributed by Miramax Films.

The cast includes: Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves, Lisa Spoonauer as Caitlin Bree, Jason Mewes as Jay, Brian O'Halloran as Dante Hicks, Gary Stern as Tabloid Reading Customer, Pattijean Csik as Coroner, Marilyn Ghigliotti as Veronica Loughran, Ed Hapstak as Sanford, and Walt Flanagan as Woolen Cap Smoker.

Clerks Quotes

Ed Hapstak as Sanford

• (Ed Hapstak) "Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one."
• (Ed Hapstak) "So?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?"
• (Ed Hapstak) "What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherf***er?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks."
• (Ed Hapstak) "Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the f***ing store to play hockey."
• (Jeff Anderson) "He's blunt, but he's got a point."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?"
• (Ed Hapstak) "No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not p***** out when it comes to free s*** to drink."
• (Jeff Anderson) "He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade."
• (Ed Hapstak) "f***in' A."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "All right. Jesus. You f***ers are pushy."

• (Ed Hapstak) "Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Design major."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Can we not talk about this right now?"
• (Ed Hapstak) "Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherf***er."

Brian O'Halloran as Dante Hicks

• (Brian O'Halloran) "What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks."
• (Unnamed) "In a row?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "Embolism in a pool, what an embarrassing way to die."
• (Jeff Anderson) "That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "How did he go?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "He broke his neck."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "You call that embarrassing?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "He broke his neck while trying to suck his own dick."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him."
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Because I never HAD sex with him."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "You sucked his dick."
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?"
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Oh my God, I feel so nauseous."
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I did understand. I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said."
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Please calm down."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "How many?"
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Dante --"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "How many dicks have you sucked?"
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Let it go."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "How many?"
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you. Jesus. I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you f***ed."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "This is different, this is important. How many?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Well?"
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Something like -- 36."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "What? Something like 36?"
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Lower your voice."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?"
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Ummm -- 37."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm 37?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "Are there any balls down there?"
• (Jason Mewes) "About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "It wasn't me."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Yeah, right. Who was it? Randal?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Was it you?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "I was up here the whole time."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "You two better quit it."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm serious."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "So, we didn't jus have sex in the bathroom?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "No."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Stop it. This isn't funny."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm not kidding. I just came in from outside."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "This isn't f***ing funny Dante."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm not fooling around."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Who went back there?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Nobody, I swear."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "I feel nauseous."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Are you sure there's somebody back there?"
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Well I didn't just f*** myself. Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick."
• (Jeff Anderson) "You just f***ed a total stranger?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Shut the f*** up."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "I can't belive this --"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Call the police."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "No, don't."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Why?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin."
• (Jeff Anderson) "But she said that she did all the work."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Would you shut the f*** up. Who the f***'s in our bathroom?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "What's a jizz-mopper?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Nudie booth?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I guess not."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "What kinda show?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "They do the weirdest, craziest s*** you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body; ANY opening."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Could we not talk about this right now?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away."
• (Unnamed) "I will never come to this place again."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm sorry?"
• (Unnamed) "Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away."
• (Unnamed) "I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out."
• (Jeff Anderson) "I think you can see her kidneys."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "A word of advice, my friend. Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "Hello. What? No I don't work today, I'm playing hockey at two."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "Hey, whatcha rent?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) ""Best of Both Worlds"?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "And you rented this?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Hey, I like to expand my horizons."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "Who eats cock?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Bunch of savages in this town."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, f*** you. f*** you, pal. Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today.""
• (Jeff Anderson) "You sound like an asshole. Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push f***ing buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante. And badly, I might add. I work in a s***ty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so f***ing advanced, what are we doing working here?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "No. I have to leave early to pick up Caitlin. In which case, you're going to have to lock up the store tonight."
• (Jeff Anderson) "All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "Somebody put gum in the locks."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Buncha savages in this town."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "That's what I said."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "So? So? Who is gonna pay for all these Gatorades?"
• (Ed Hapstak) "What do you care you shoepolish smelling motherf***er?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store."
• (Jason Mewes) "I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?"
• (Unnamed) "Hey, man, you got anything?"
• (Jason Mewes) "Yeah, man, what you want?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "All right, so they brought in independent contractors, why are you so upset at its destruction?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "But you hate people."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"

• (Brian O'Halloran) "Just go. Just go open the video store."
• (Jason Mewes) "Yeah. Go open the video store."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Shut the f*** up, junkie."

• (Brian O'Halloran) "You going to close the video store?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Look who you're asking?"

Jason Mewes as Jay

• (Jason Mewes) "Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin' Weed, Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beers --"

• (Jason Mewes) "I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight."

• (Jason Mewes) "I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and s***."

• (Jason Mewes) "I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, and we're gonna get some p*****, and I'm gonna f*** this bitch, and f*** this bitch, I'll f*** ANYTHING THAT MOVES. What the f*** you lookin at, I'll kick yo f***in ass. s*** yeah. Doesn't that f***er owe me 10 bucks? You know, f***in tonight, we're gonna rip off that f***er's head, and take out his f***in' SOUL. Hey, what's up baby, what's up, sluts?"

• (Jason Mewes) "Cock-smoker."

• (Jason Mewes) "Pack o' wraps, my brotherman, time to kick back, drink some beers and shmoke some weed."

• (Unnamed) "My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER. Would you like some making f***, BERZERKER."
• (Jason Mewes) "That's pretty f***ing funny."
• (Unnamed) "Did he just say "making f***"?"

• (Unnamed) "He only speaks Russian?"
• (Jason Mewes) "Naw, he speaks some English, but he can't not speak it good like we do."

Jeff Anderson as Randal Graves

• (Unnamed) "Cute cat. What's his name?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Annoying customer."
• (Unnamed) "f***in' dickhead."

• (Jeff Anderson) "So your argument is that title dictates behavior?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "What?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Exactly."
• (Gary Stern) "I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy s***."
• (Jeff Anderson) "So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Not yet."
• (Gary Stern) "And I remember this one time the damn paper said --"
• (Gary Stern) "I'm going to break your f***ing head. You f***ing jerk-off."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Sir. Sir, I'm sorry. He didn't mean it. He meant to hit me."
• (Gary Stern) "Well, he missed."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I know. I'm sorry. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even."
• (Gary Stern) "I'll never come in here again."
• (Gary Stern) "And if I ever see you again, I'm gonna break your f***ing head open."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "What'd you do that for?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Jesus."
• (Jeff Anderson) "And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "You're a danger to both the dead and the living."
• (Jeff Anderson) "I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Please, get the hell out of here."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero."

• (Jeff Anderson) "People say crazy s*** during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom.""

• (Unnamed) "They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good -- are either one of these any good?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "What?"
• (Unnamed) "Are either one of these any good?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "I don't watch movies."
• (Unnamed) "Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs."
• (Unnamed) "You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Nope."
• (Unnamed) "Well, what about these two?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, they suck."
• (Unnamed) "These are the same two movies. You weren't paying any attention."
• (Jeff Anderson) "No, I wasn't."
• (Unnamed) "I don't think your manager would appreciate --"
• (Jeff Anderson) "I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am."
• (Unnamed) "I beg your pardon?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me."
• (Unnamed) "I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying."
• (Jeff Anderson) "And, I hope it feels good."
• (Unnamed) "You hope WHAT feels good?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?"
• (Unnamed) "Well, this is the last time I rent here."
• (Jeff Anderson) "You'll be missed."
• (Unnamed) "Screw you."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Hey. You're not allowed to rent here anymore."

• (Unnamed) "Guy ain't here yet."
• (Jeff Anderson) "You're kidding? It's almost 11:30."
• (Unnamed) "I know. I've been here since eleven."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos."
• (Unnamed) "I would have gone to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right there on that wall."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Really, which one?"
• (Unnamed) "Dental School."
• (Jeff Anderson) "You came for that one, too? That's the movie I came here for."
• (Unnamed) "I have first dibs."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Says who?"
• (Unnamed) "Says me. I've been here for a half-hour. I'd call that first dibs."
• (Jeff Anderson) "It ain't going to happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie."
• (Unnamed) "Like hell you are."
• (Jeff Anderson) "I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape."
• (Unnamed) "20 bucks?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "20 bucks."
• (Unnamed) "All right, asshole, you're on."

• (Jeff Anderson) "Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. What the hell's you're problem?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "This life."
• (Jeff Anderson) "This life?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Why do I have this life?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Have some chips, you'll feel better."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the god**** steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass f*** on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after f***ing a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has suck 36 dicks."
• (Jeff Anderson) "37"

• (Jeff Anderson) "Hey, we're closed."

• (Jeff Anderson) "Why don't you join her and make a little bathroom bam bam?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "I love your sex talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee"."
• (Jeff Anderson) "f*** you."

• (Unnamed) "Excuse me, do you sell videos?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Yeah, what're you looking for?"
• (Unnamed) "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?"
• (Unnamed) "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup."
• (Unnamed) "Happy Scrappy --"
• (Unnamed) "She loves it."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-f***ing Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My c*** Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave c***", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink p***** Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh -- yeah -- Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?"

• (Jeff Anderson) "Do you know what I just watched?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Return of the Jedi."

• (Jeff Anderson) "Hey, you and I have something in common; we both eat Chinese."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Dick."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Exactly."

• (Unnamed) "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you talking about?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "The ending of "Return of the Jedi"."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels."

• (Jeff Anderson) "Fine then, just let me borrow your car."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "What for?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "I want to go rent a movie. What was that?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "You work at a video store."
• (Jeff Anderson) "I work at a s***ty video store. I want to go to a good video store and get a good movie."

• (Jeff Anderson) "Some guy came into the store refusing to pay late fees. Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "Shocking abuse of authority."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule."

• (Jeff Anderson) "Listen to you, you're so repressed."
• (Brian O'Halloran) "What? Because I never tried to suck my own dick?"

Pattijean Csik as Coroner

• (Pattijean Csik) "My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?"
• (Brian O'Halloran) "She thought it was me."
• (Pattijean Csik) "What kind of convenience store do you run here?"

Lisa Spoonauer as Caitlin Bree

• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Can I use the bathroom?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Sure, but there's no light back there."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Why arn't there any lights?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Such a sordid state of affairs."
• (Jeff Anderson) "And I'm caught right in the middle; torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on."
• (Lisa Spoonauer) "Well, I'll try to manage."
• (Jeff Anderson) "Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal."

• (Lisa Spoonauer) "What are you watching?"
• (Jeff Anderson) "Children's programming."

Marilyn Ghigliotti as Veronica Loughran

• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "All right, who's leading this mob?"
• (Walt Flanagan) "That guy."
• (Marilyn Ghigliotti) "Hold it. Let's see some credentials. SLOWLY. You're a Chewley's Gum Representative? And you're what? Stirring up all this anti-smoking sentiment to sell more gum? GET OUT OF HERE. And you people, don't you have jobs to go to? Get out of here, go commute. Bunch of easily-led automatons. Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes."
• (Walt Flanagan) "Uhhhh -- pack of cigarettes?"

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