City Slickers Quotes

City Slickers is a TV show that was first aired in 1970 . City Slickers ended in 1970.

It features Irby Smith as producer, Marc Shaiman in charge of musical score, and Dean Semler as head of cinematography.

City Slickers is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of City Slickers is 112 minutes long. City Slickers is distributed by Columbia Pictures.

The cast includes: Billy Crystal as Mitch Robbins, Jack Palance as Curly, Bruno Kirby as Ed Furillo, Daniel Stern as Phil Berquist, Karla Tamburrelli as Arlene Berquist, Yeardley Smith as Nancy, Helen Slater as Bonnie Rayburn, Tracey Walter as Cookie, Billy Crystal as Mitch, Bill Henderson as Ben Jessup, Phill Lewis as Steve Jessup, Patricia Wettig as Barbara Robbins, Jake Gyllenhaal as Danny Robbins, Walker Brandt as Kim Furillo, Kyle Secor as Jeff, Noble Willingham as Clay Stone, Robert Costanzo as Sal, Josh Mostel as Barry Shalowitz, David Paymer as Ira Shalowitz, Howard Honig as Skycap, Lindsay Crystal as Holly Robbins, and Dean Hallo as T.R..

City Slickers Quotes

Tracey Walter as Cookie

• (Tracey Walter) "Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off."

Billy Crystal as Mitch Robbins

• (Billy Crystal) "Alright Ed, your best day, what was it, twins in a trapeze, what?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "No, I don't wanna play."
• (Billy Crystal) "C'mon, we did it."
• (Bruno Kirby) "I don't feel like it."
• (Billy Crystal) "Uh, okay."
• (Bruno Kirby) "I'm 14 and my mother and father are fighting again -- y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him -- This time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him, I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. Well, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day."
• (Daniel Stern) "What was your worst day?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "Same day."

• (Billy Crystal) "You know, this was not in the brochure --"

• (Billy Crystal) "I wish you hadn't worn this jacket."
• (Bruno Kirby) "What's wrong with it?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Well, look at it; it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque."
• (Bruno Kirby) "I'm proud of what I do."
• (Daniel Stern) "So is the President; he doesn't wear his picture on his suit."
• (Bill Henderson) "Hi."
• (Billy Crystal) "Hi, Mitch Robbins."
• (Bruno Kirby) "I'm Ed Furillo; I sell sporting goods."
• (Billy Crystal) "Show him your jacket."
• (Daniel Stern) "I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery; lost my job and my family."
• (Billy Crystal) "His jacket's being made."

• (Billy Crystal) "You're wrong, Ed, I'm telling you, it was not a stupid thing to say."
• (Bruno Kirby) "It WAS. She says, "thanks", and you say, "I'm married."?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Yeah. I don't want any -- false flirtings."
• (Bruno Kirby) "False flirtings."
• (Billy Crystal) "Mm-hmm."
• (Bruno Kirby) "Well, what if you're like me? What if you don't encourage them, and they still come after you?"
• (Billy Crystal) "It doesn't happen. See, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place."
• (Helen Slater) "Good night. I'm going to bed."
• (Billy Crystal) "Good night. Sleep tight."
• (Bruno Kirby) "That was flirting."
• (Billy Crystal) "No, that was -- politeness. That was "have a pleasant and restful evening.""
• (Bruno Kirby) "No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?""

• (Billy Crystal) "Bonnie, you want to come ropin' with us?"
• (Helen Slater) "Yes, I'd --"
• (Kyle Secor) "No, that's all right, Bonnie's talking with us, friend."
• (Dean Hallo) "She's fine right here."
• (Billy Crystal) "Listen, guys, what are you doing, huh? This isn't exactly nineties behavior, I've gotta be honest with ya."
• (Kyle Secor) "-- You stepped on my foot."
• (Bruno Kirby) "He did not, you horse's ass."
• (Kyle Secor) "You want a piece of this?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "Any time, Zeke."
• (Kyle Secor) "How about right now, 'Stubby'?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "Fine."
• (Jack Palance) "This man owes you an apology."
• (Billy Crystal) "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it."
• (Jack Palance) "Not you -- him."
• (Kyle Secor) "Uh-uh. No."
• (Kyle Secor) "Ahhhh."
• (Kyle Secor) "I'm sorry, ma'am, that'll never happen again."
• (Billy Crystal) "Yeah, see that it doesn't."
• (Billy Crystal) "I'm sorry, I thought that we were -- on the same -- you're doin' fine."
• (Jack Palance) "You guys were drinkin' -- don't let it happen again."
• (Jack Palance) "Ma'am --"
• (Billy Crystal) "Did you see that guy? That is the toughest man I've ever seen in my life."
• (Billy Crystal) "Did you see how leathery he was? He was like a saddlebag with eyes."
• (Helen Slater) "Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you."
• (Billy Crystal) "I'm married."

• (Billy Crystal) "Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"

• (Billy Crystal) "Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide. Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide. Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs; with a big wet strap of, Rawhide."

• (Billy Crystal) "I made a cow."

• (Billy Crystal) "Have you ever had that feeling that this is the best I'm ever gonna do, this is the best I'm ever gonna feel -- and it ain't that great?"
• (Station Manager) "Happy Birthday."

• (Billy Crystal) "I have a roping disability."

• (Jack Palance) "Put that away."
• (Jack Palance) "I said, put that away."
• (Billy Crystal) "Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me; which you're doing a good job. But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up; I'm on vacation."

• (Billy Crystal) "Bonnie, there's a stampede -- in your tent."

• (Billy Crystal) "It's nothing to be ashamed of; I had the same problem."
• (Daniel Stern) "Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel -- inadequate?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset."
• (Daniel Stern) "O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good."
• (Billy Crystal) "O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3."
• (Daniel Stern) "Yeah it does."
• (Billy Crystal) "No it doesn't."
• (Daniel Stern) "It does."
• (Billy Crystal) "No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3."
• (Daniel Stern) "What -- the TV or -- or the machine?"
• (Billy Crystal) "The TV."
• (Daniel Stern) "You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record."
• (Daniel Stern) "How would I see it?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Well to see it you need a TV."
• (Bruno Kirby) "Shut up. Just shut up. He doesn't get it. He'll never get it. It's been 4 hours. The cows can tape something by now. Forget about it please."
• (Daniel Stern) "How do you do the clock?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "You're dead. You are dead."

• (Billy Crystal) "Those cows trusted us."
• (Bruno Kirby) "Trusted us? They followed us because we yelled, 'Yah'. They're cattle."

• (Billy Crystal) "Excuse me, el doctor. Hello? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?"

• (Billy Crystal) "This is all your fault, Ed."
• (Bruno Kirby) "My fault?"
• (Billy Crystal) "You're a macho lunatic. Phil and I are sheep."
• (Daniel Stern) "We're not sheep."
• (Billy Crystal) "We do every stupid thing he asks."
• (Bruno Kirby) "I didn't make you run."
• (Billy Crystal) "No, it was a 2,000-pound rampaging animal spraying bull snot all over Spain. That's what made me run. You made me stand in front of it."

• (Billy Crystal) "Hi Curly. Killed anyone today?"
• (Jack Palance) "The day ain't over yet --"

Jake Gyllenhaal as Danny Robbins

• (Jake Gyllenhaal) "We saw a picture of you in a newspaper in your underwear."
• (Walker Brandt) "Oh, well that was an advertisement. I sometimes model ladies' underwear."
• (Patricia Wettig) "You looked great."
• (Jake Gyllenhaal) "Mom, you said let's see how she looks after having two kids."

• (Jake Gyllenhaal) "My dad's name's Mitch and he's a -- He's a submarine commander."
• (Billy Crystal) "Danny."
• (Jake Gyllenhaal) "He works for WBLM Radio."

Jack Palance as Curly

• (Jack Palance) "Do you know what the secret of life is?"
• (Jack Palance) "This."
• (Billy Crystal) "Your finger?"
• (Jack Palance) "One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean s***."
• (Billy Crystal) "But, what is the "one thing?""
• (Jack Palance) "That's what you have to find out."

• (Jack Palance) "I crap bigger than you."

• (Jack Palance) "City Folk."

Bruno Kirby as Ed Furillo

• (Bruno Kirby) "We're doing great, guys. We're driving them."
• (Daniel Stern) "Ah, that's perfect. We're lost but we're making good time."

• (Bruno Kirby) "Are you telling me you wouldn't like to hump her brains out?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Lovely image. Ranks right up there with that favorite of yours"bang the s*** out of her.""
• (Bruno Kirby) "Sorry I offended your delicate sensibilities, pal -- I noticed you were staring at it pretty hard."

• (Bruno Kirby) "See, here's the thing. Kim wants to have kids."
• (Billy Crystal) "And you don't?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "I tell her it's because we wouldn't have as much fun, it would hurt her modeling, but -- that's not the reason. Having a kid, that's -- heavy, that's a real commitment. That's saying I'm never gonna be with another woman for the rest of my life."
• (Daniel Stern) "Wait a minute, let me get this straight. I have -- no life, we're all agreed on that, right?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Right."
• (Daniel Stern) "Okay. And your big problem is, that you're married to this gorgeous, twenty-four year old underwear model, who thinks that the sun rises and sets in your pants -- and that's not enough for you?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "You don't understand."
• (Daniel Stern) "No, I don't understand."
• (Bruno Kirby) "I don't want to screw around on Kim."
• (Daniel Stern) "So don't."
• (Bruno Kirby) "Oh -- from the king of restraint."
• (Daniel Stern) "What does that mean?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "It means, that's pretty smug advice, coming from a man who mounted an eighteen year old checkout girl on the day-old bread rack."
• (Daniel Stern) "She's twenty; and shut up."
• (Bruno Kirby) "Let me get you hot, Phil: "I need a price. Register Nine, I need a price --"
• (Daniel Stern) "Cut it out."
• (Billy Crystal) "Guys --"
• (Bruno Kirby) "What did you use for protection, paper or plastic?"

• (Bruno Kirby) "This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed, a mustang. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while."
• (Billy Crystal) "Do us good? Didn't you guys see? The man was hanging the hired help. And, did you notice his eyes? He has crazy eyes. He's a lunatic. We are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic."
• (Billy Crystal) "He's behind me, isn't he?"

Helen Slater as Bonnie Rayburn

• (Helen Slater) "Ugh, baseball."
• (Bruno Kirby) "You've got something against baseball?"
• (Helen Slater) "It's just I used to live with a guy who was like a baseball encyclopedia and I just got flashes."
• (Daniel Stern) "You broke up with him 'cause of baseball?"
• (Helen Slater) "Uh, no, we had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave."
• (Billy Crystal) "Ouch."
• (Daniel Stern) "So, do you hate baseball?"
• (Helen Slater) "No, I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys could spend so much time discussing it. I mean, I've been to games, but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960."
• (Billy Crystal) "Don Hoak."
• (Daniel Stern) "Don Hoak."
• (Billy Crystal) "Beat you."
• (Helen Slater) "See, that's exactly what I mean."
• (Daniel Stern) "So, what do you and your friends talk about out there?"
• (Helen Slater) "Well, real life. Relationships. Are they working? Are they not? Who's she seeing? Is that working?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "No contest. We win."
• (Helen Slater) "Why?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "Honey, if that were as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum."

• (Helen Slater) "That's really wonderful. You got him to drink from the bottle."
• (Billy Crystal) "Yeah, thank God, 'cause my nipples were killing me."

• (Helen Slater) "We had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave."

Daniel Stern as Phil Berquist

• (Daniel Stern) "Let's have some peace and quiet around here, for chrisakes. I've been under a lot of stress. I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I'm developing some kind of rash from making in the bushes."

• (Daniel Stern) "You know you were right, Mitch. My life is a "do-over". It's time to get started."
• (Billy Crystal) "I hope I can help."
• (Bruno Kirby) "Now I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant."
• (Billy Crystal) "I hope I can help."

• (Daniel Stern) "So Do you hate baseball?"
• (Patricia Wettig) "No I like baseball. I just never understood how you guys can spend so much time discussing it. I mean I think the game is great but I don't memorize who played third base for Pittsburgh in 1960."
• (Bruno Kirby) "Don Hoak."
• (Patricia Wettig) "See, that's exactly what I mean."

• (Daniel Stern) "Where are you from?"
• (Bill Henderson) "Baltimore. We have a dental practice there."
• (Billy Crystal) "Really, you're both dentists?"
• (Phill Lewis) "Yes. We're black AND we're dentists. Let's not make an issue out of it."
• (Bill Henderson) "Eh, they're not making an issue of it. You're making an issue of it."

• (Daniel Stern) "Do you think he'll be all right?"
• (Bruno Kirby) "Sure. Curly's just trying to scare him."
• (Daniel Stern) "If anything happens to him -- I'm going after Barbara."

• (Daniel Stern) "Put the gun down. Put down the god****ed gun."
• (Kyle Secor) "Mmmm Mmmmm MMMM."
• (Billy Crystal) "Phil."
• (Daniel Stern) "I'm not going to let them bully us anymore."
• (Billy Crystal) "Phil."
• (Daniel Stern) "My father-in-law was a bully."
• (Billy Crystal) "Phil."
• (Daniel Stern) "I hate bullys. Because bullys don't just bully you,"
• (Daniel Stern) "they take away your diginity."
• (Billy Crystal) "Phil, come on."
• (Daniel Stern) "I hate that. I really, HATE that."
• (Kyle Secor) "Ahhhhh."
• (Kyle Secor) ". Sorry."
• (Daniel Stern) "BANG."
• (Daniel Stern) "All right, you assholes go and sleep it off."

Patricia Wettig as Barbara Robbins

• (Patricia Wettig) "Go away with Ed. Take Phil. I am giving you these two weeks. It's my present. Go and -- find your smile."
• (Billy Crystal) "What if I can't?"
• (Patricia Wettig) "We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it."

• (Patricia Wettig) "You know Mitch? I've been thinking. If you really hate your job, why don't you just get out of there?"
• (Billy Crystal) "No, I'm just going to do it better. I'm going to do everything better."
• (Patricia Wettig) "Everything?"
• (Billy Crystal) "See?"
• (Patricia Wettig) "Oh, I missed you."
• (Billy Crystal) "I missed you too."
• (Patricia Wettig) "Let's go home."
• (Billy Crystal) "Today, is my best day."
• (Howard Honig) "Mr. Robbins."
• (Billy Crystal) "Yeah, right over here. This is gonna be great."
• (Patricia Wettig) "What, did you get a dog?"
• (Lindsay Crystal) "We got a dog?"
• (Jake Gyllenhaal) "All right."
• (Billy Crystal) "Come on little man."
• (Billy Crystal) ". Everyone, this is Norman."
• (Patricia Wettig) "It's a cow."
• (Billy Crystal) "Well,"
• (Billy Crystal) "he's a calf, actually."
• (Patricia Wettig) "Mitch, wait. You're gonna put him in the VAN?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Oh yeah, and then the den."
• (Patricia Wettig) "Mitch, you're not taking him home."
• (Billy Crystal) "See kids, he just said, hellllooooooo. Well, just for a little while. Then we'll put him in a petting zoo, so he can be with your mother."
• (Patricia Wettig) "Ah. Come on, let's go home."
• (Billy Crystal) "I'm kidding, I'm just kidding. All right, seat belts Norman, seat belts."
• (Patricia Wettig) "Mitch --"
• (Billy Crystal) "I hope you went to the bathroom Norman, because we got a long drive ahead of us."
• (Billy Crystal) "Let's go home."

Josh Mostel as Barry Shalowitz

• (Josh Mostel) "What do you think? What would be the perfect flavor with this meal?"
• (David Paymer) "Cherry vanilla?"
• (Josh Mostel) "No. If it was Chinese food, right on the money, but this? Toasted almonds."
• (Billy Crystal) "What's going on?"
• (David Paymer) "Barry can pick out the exact right flavor of ice cream to follow any meal. Go ahead. Challenge him."
• (Billy Crystal) "Challenge him?"
• (Josh Mostel) "Go on."
• (Billy Crystal) "Franks and beans."
• (Josh Mostel) "Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. Don't waste my time."
• (Josh Mostel) "Come on. Push me."
• (Billy Crystal) "Sea bass."
• (Josh Mostel) "Grilled?"
• (Billy Crystal) "Sauteed."
• (Josh Mostel) "I'm with you."
• (Billy Crystal) "Potatoes au gratin. Asparagus."
• (Josh Mostel) "Rum raisin."
• (David Paymer) "WOOF."
• (Billy Crystal) "Woof, what? How do you know he's right?"
• (David Paymer) "How do we know? 1400 retail outlets from coast to coast, that's how we know."
• (David Paymer) "WOOF."

Karla Tamburrelli as Arlene Berquist

• (Karla Tamburrelli) "Why is she telling you this -- Phil?"
• (Daniel Stern) "Because -- because I'm her boss. And -- we -- we have a health plan."
• (Karla Tamburrelli) "You son of a bitch; you screwed this little girl in my father's store?"
• (Daniel Stern) "No -- no. No."
• (Yeardley Smith) "It was in his car. And I'm not a little girl; I'm twenty."
• (Karla Tamburrelli) "Get out of this house, you little whore."
• (Daniel Stern) "Hey. I will not permit you to talk to her that way."
• (Karla Tamburrelli) "Fine. I'll tell my father what you did."
• (Daniel Stern) "Don't you call Mister Levine. Hey. Give me that phone --"
• (Karla Tamburrelli) "You're crazy."
• (Daniel Stern) "That's right; not having sex for twelve years will do that to a person."
• (Karla Tamburrelli) "I'll call from the bedroom."
• (Daniel Stern) "The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?"
• (Karla Tamburrelli) "I'm calling --"
• (Daniel Stern) "Go ahead, call him; I'm sure he's home. It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis, isn't it?"
• (Karla Tamburrelli) "I hate you."
• (Daniel Stern) "I hate you more; if hate were people, I'd be China."
• (Billy Crystal) "Let's bring out the cake."

Noble Willingham as Clay Stone

• (Noble Willingham) "Two weeks ago, you boys were as worthless as hen s*** on a pump handle. And look at you now."

• (Noble Willingham) "I'm as happy as a puppy with two peters."

• (Noble Willingham) "Great gobs of goose s***."

Robert Costanzo as Sal

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