Christmas Cruelty! Quotes

Christmas Cruelty! is a television program that first aired in 1970 . Christmas Cruelty! ended in 1970.

It features Kim Haldorsen as producer, Magne Steinsvoll in charge of musical score, and Raymond Volle as head of cinematography.

Christmas Cruelty! is recorded in Norwegian and originally aired in Norway. Each episode of Christmas Cruelty! is 91 minutes long. Christmas Cruelty! is distributed by DC Medias.

The cast includes: Tormod Lien as Serial-Santa, Tone Søyset Døving as Victim #2, Raymond Talberg as Boybandreka, Magne Steinsvoll as Eline, Magne Steinsvoll as Magne, Per-Ingvar Tomren as Per-Ingvar, Frans Hulsker as Thomas, Frans Hulsker as Christmas tree salesman, Nina-Shanett Arntsen as Daughter, Frans Hulsker as Mats, and Olav Kåre Torjuul as Chainsaw salesman.

Christmas Cruelty! Quotes

Frans Hulsker as Mats

• (Frans Hulsker) "Are you partying tonight. Don't you have work tomorrow?"
• (Tormod Lien) "It's not much of a party."
• (Frans Hulsker) "It will pick up now that we are here."
• (Tormod Lien) "Ho-ho-ho."

• (Frans Hulsker) "He takes out a beige bathroom molding, about this long. "One ticket then". We didn't know how to react."
• (Frans Hulsker) "Good evening. Can I help you?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Maybe. What's he saying?"
• (Frans Hulsker) "He's wondering what he can help us with."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Ah, okay. I want a Christmas tree."
• (Frans Hulsker) "Christmas tree. I have spruce. I also have silver fir. And I even have a pine tree."
• (Frans Hulsker) "He's wondering what type of tree we want?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "A nice one, maybe."
• (Frans Hulsker) "This is the best Christmas tree in the world. 675 kroner."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Holy s***. Don't you have anything cheaper?"
• (Frans Hulsker) "Yes, this one. 225 kroner."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "A Christmas tree is a Christmas tree."
• (Frans Hulsker) "No, it is not. There are differences between them. I know. I've got all the wood in here."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "What's he saying?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "That he's a blockhead, so I should pick the tree. We'll take that one."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "How much is it?"
• (Frans Hulsker) "225 kroner."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Yeah, that's a fair price."
• (Frans Hulsker) "Would you like to try some real Dutch cheese? Did you like the cheese?"
• (Frans Hulsker) "Peculiar taste."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Ass crack mush and sour gym socks."
• (Frans Hulsker) "Let's get rambling."
• (Frans Hulsker) "Thank for your business. Merry Christmas to you."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Let's hope this oversized wonderbaum covers our Dutch dick cheese breath."

Per-Ingvar Tomren as Per-Ingvar

• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Remember to use plenty of Vaseline."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "No f***ing way."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "I just want to say --"

• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Magne, you're a pirate."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "That would explain everything --"

• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Krampus must be the coolest Christmas icon ever."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "My favorite is actually the barn gnome."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "The barn gnome? He's got nothing on Krampus."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Then you probably don't know about the real barn gnome. He's not one to be messed with. He was small, but wicked strong. And his bite was venomous. If you didn't get otherworldly medicine, you would die. He had four fingers, pointy ears, hair all over his body. And eyes that glowed in the dark."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "That's not the way he looks on my Christmas cards."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Those are his descendants, and they were much cuter. The barn gnome was easily offended, and he could cause a lot of havoc. As you know, he loved possidge. At Christmas people gave him porridge. But once a maid ate the porridge herself. The gnome got so angry that he knocked the stuffing out of her. The farmer found her the next day in a pool --"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Finished."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "-- of blood. Wow. That's -- Once the barn gnome actually killed an innocent cow."

Magne Steinsvoll as Magne

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Close that god**** f***ing door. It's c*** freezing cold outside. Bloody -- f***ing -- tumbleweed mook -- What -- the -- f***. Jeezeez. Holy s***. What the f*** did we drink last night?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Home made napalm."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "It shouldn't be possible to be as f***ing hung as I am now."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Even Emilio is hung over."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Shouldn't there be a girl here too?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Yes, Eline. Where is she?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "How the f*** would I know?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Let's look for her."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Holy f***ing s***. She won't be in a closet, you little maggot stick. I have looked for her there."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "I need to pu --"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "f***ing rectum gerbil. By the way, I've found her."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "She was in a closet."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "-- from the German word "Krampen" which means "claw". And he had --"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Magne, you seem to be getting hard. Are you ready for it to come off?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Mphmff."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "I know what you are saying. Strange how hard it was to get this off."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Did you use enough Vaseline?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Oh no."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "f***ing dirty Laplander."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "We just have to tear it off. Ready? One, two, three. What was that?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "My beard. f***, that hurts."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "I'm really sorry about that. But one more pull and it's over."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "I hate you."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Alright. One, two, three. Your eyebrows?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Yes."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "With beard and eyebrows gone, I'm sure the worst is over. Ready?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "No."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Great. One, two, three. What is that?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "My eyelashes. f***. Now I got a piece of plaster in my eye too."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Are you all right?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Yes, this is nothing."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Nothing? You have tortured me -- disfigured me and made me blind on one eye -- and permanently mummified my head. Get this f***ing s*** off of me now."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Okay. One --"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "No f***ing counting."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Have I lost all my f***ing facial hair?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "No, there's still some left -- and the rest of it is right here in your mask."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Do you know what you're doing?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Take it easy. They do this in kindergarten."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "You should make the masks really scary. Krampus was an ugly bastard with horns and sharp teeth."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Oh my god, I feel so trashed. I think I've got to go home and swallow a few boxes of painkillers. And go to bed."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "I would take you home, but -- I don't think I'll be sober enough to drive. Until Wednesday."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "I can drive you."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "With that?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Yep."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "But -- That's going to take for ever."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "We can go full bunny. Then it's very -- Quite fast."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "I can't take anymore."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "So, elinepedia.org, do you have more Krampus facts while we wait for this f***ing assclown to dry?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "A lot of things have been forgotten because they were considered bad or not politically correct anymore. Which is quite ironic. Becuase most of these creatures were made in order to be more politically correct. Krampus and several of Santa's evil helpers came about because it was inappropriate for St Nicholas to be so brutal when punishing naughty kids. As a bishop they wanted to portray him as a gentle and kind man. Don't you think Per-Ingvar has dried by now?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Oh, right. I almost forgot."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Christmas Ho. Must be you."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Thanks for that."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Cheers, people nuggets."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Cheers."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Cheers."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Motherf***er. Now, that's what I call a good f***ing brew."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "What the hell is this?"
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Mulled wine."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "You can't call that acid for mulled wine."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "It's über mulled wine."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "I quite liked it."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "You were about to vomit."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "That dosen't mean I didn't like it."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Are you comfortable? I can assure you it gets a lot f***ing worse."

• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Here's to chimpanzees and girls in white cotton panties."

Tormod Lien as Serial-Santa

• (Tormod Lien) "I want to ride the fire truck."

• (Tormod Lien) "Ho-ho-ho. Who's been good this year?"
• (Raymond Talberg) "I have been good."
• (Tormod Lien) "Let's see if we can find you a hard present?"

• (Tormod Lien) "Do you want a sandwich? Don't worry, I'm not gonna force you."

• (Solveig) "Hi there."
• (Tormod Lien) "Merry Christmas."
• (Solveig) "How can I help you?"
• (Tormod Lien) "I need something for a guy in a wheelchair."
• (Solveig) "Do you have anything special in mind?"
• (Tormod Lien) "Well, I was thinking maybe -- a chainsaw."
• (Solveig) "Right. Come with me. Here are the two models we stock. We've got this piece of crap. A hobby model if want to trim bushes. And if you actually get it to start, you're really lucky. But this one -- This is the bestseller. Hooper 7400. A spectacular saw. This was our bestseller this autumn. You can fell and declimb with it. This is a great all-rounder."
• (Tormod Lien) "Is it ready for use?"
• (Solveig) "All you need is petrol. It's a two-stroke-engine, so you need petrol with oil."
• (Tormod Lien) "I'll take it."
• (Solveig) "It's 4999. Does he have the necessary protective gear? Protective pants and boots?"
• (Tormod Lien) "He don't use his legs anyway."
• (Solveig) "I understand, but I have to ask."

• (Tormod Lien) "Damn it. Just when we were having such a good time."

• (Torgeir) "When they came to Iceland, a guy was waiting with a sign. It read "Tussa Kraft". But you see -- They didn't think much about it. They got on the bus and went to the hotel where they wanted to have a beer. When they got into the pub, one of the bar maids rushed out -- Phhssj. The other one just giggled. You know. She served the beers and gave them what they wanted. Then it was time to get something to eat. They had a reserved table. When they got to the table, there was a sign there. "Reserved for the company whose name we cannot write". They had to ask what was going on. "Tussa" means -- "p*****" -- And "kraft" means "juice". Imagine how awkward. All right. Have a good night."
• (Tormod Lien) "Good night --"

• (Wife) "Can I pass you something?"
• (Tormod Lien) "How about some blood red sauce? Are you thinking about Christmas?"
• (Wife) "A lot of secrets."
• (Tormod Lien) "But that's Christmas. Perhaps you've got some secrets too?"
• (Wife) "That may be. How about you?"
• (Tormod Lien) "Yeah."

• (Tormod Lien) "Give me the code, or I'll skin the remaining girl alive."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Fshmmfsh."
• (Tormod Lien) "Speak up."
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Four, seven, four, seven."
• (Tormod Lien) "4747?"
• (Per-Ingvar Tomren) "Yes."

• (Tormod Lien) "So it won't be a late night?"
• (Wife) "Not for me, no. I think I'll turn in now."
• (Tormod Lien) "Really?"
• (Wife) "Yes. Are you coming?"
• (Tormod Lien) "I have to take care of something first. I can't stop thinking about a poor girl and a guy in a wheelchair. They are going to have a horrible Christmas. I have to contribute in my own way, so they don't have to worry about the new year at least."
• (Wife) "You're so sweet."
• (Tormod Lien) "I'm not that sweet."

• (Tormod Lien) "Might as well do the smallest one first."

• (Tormod Lien) "You got brittle bone disease, right? I have to try something."

• (Tormod Lien) "This is too much."

• (Tormod Lien) "Okay, let's get started."
• (Tone Søyset Døving) "No. No --. No."
• (Tormod Lien) "Your mother is delish."

Raymond Talberg as Boybandreka

• (Raymond Talberg) "You're so incredibly sweet. I get cavities just from looking at you."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Nobody wants a toothache. So I suggest you go look at something else."
• (Raymond Talberg) "No need to play hard to get. I know you want me. Why don't you come home with me? And I'll suck on your ears."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "Hey. Get the f*** out of here. And go find something else to suck on."
• (Raymond Talberg) "Stay out of this, Magne. This is between me and -- Miss Lovely. f*** off."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "She's obviously not interested. Stop pestering her."
• (Raymond Talberg) "And if I don't?"

• (Raymond Talberg) "Can I take your picture? So I may show Santa what I want for Christmas."
• (Magne Steinsvoll) "I think you should put something else on your list. Perhaps something a bit more realistic."
• (Raymond Talberg) "It's not exactly unrealistic. So if a big fat man comes through your bedroom window and puts you in a bag, don't be alarmed. It's just Santa picking up my present."

Olav Kåre Torjuul as Chainsaw salesman

• (Olav Kåre Torjuul) "Chainsaw and petrol. 4999 for the saw and 169 for the petrol. But since it's Christmas, let's say 5000. Card?"
• (Tormod Lien) "Yes."
• (Olav Kåre Torjuul) "Pin code and enter. Receipt?"
• (Tormod Lien) "No."
• (Olav Kåre Torjuul) "Anything else?"
• (Tormod Lien) "No. Merry Christmas."
• (Olav Kåre Torjuul) "Merry Christmas yourself. What do you give me?"

Nina-Shanett Arntsen as Daughter

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