Bruce Almighty Quotes

Bruce Almighty is a TV show that first aired in 1970 . Bruce Almighty ended in 1970.

It features Tom Shadyac, and Jim Carrey as producer, John Debney in charge of musical score, and Dean Semler as head of cinematography.

Bruce Almighty is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Bruce Almighty is 101 minutes long. Bruce Almighty is distributed by Universal Pictures (USA).

The cast includes: Morgan Freeman as God, Jim Carrey as Bruce, Jennifer Aniston as Grace, Philip Baker Hall as Jack, Jim Carrey as Bruce Nolan, Catherine Bell as Susan Ortega, Nora Dunn as Ally Loman, Nora Dunn as Woman, and Carlos Sánchez as Juan Valdes.

Bruce Almighty Quotes

Jennifer Aniston as Grace

• (Jennifer Aniston) "I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle."

• (Jennifer Aniston) "You know that everything happens for a reason."
• (Jim Carrey) "See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" -- I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush."

• (Jennifer Aniston) "Honey, hi, wow."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "I've never seen the moon that big."
• (Jim Carrey) "Yeah --"
• (Jim Carrey) "We really shouldn't waste it."
• (Jim Carrey) "Bedroom?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Five minutes."

• (Unnamed) "What the heck is that?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh, Bruce's new car."
• (Unnamed) "Ok --"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "I am mad at you."
• (Jim Carrey) "I know you are, and you have every right to be."
• (Jim Carrey) "But I have flowers."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "What are those?"
• (Jim Carrey) "They're a hybrid of sunflowers and lilies. I call 'em "sillies". 'Cause they're a little mixed up like me."

• (Jennifer Aniston) "Debbie won the lottery."
• (Jim Carrey) "Oh, yeah? You're kidding."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17."

• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh, thank God you're all right."
• (Jim Carrey) "Yeah, let's thank God, shall we? For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait, that's not rain."

• (Jennifer Aniston) "I don't want a dog that craps in a toilet."

Jim Carrey as Bruce

• (Jim Carrey) "It's good. It's goooooood."

• (Jim Carrey) "Smite me, oh mighty Smiter."

• (Jim Carrey) "I can hold that note all day, buddy."

• (Jim Carrey) "Who are you?"
• (Morgan Freeman) "I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega."
• (Jim Carrey) "Oh, I see where this is going."
• (Morgan Freeman) "Bruce -- I'm God."
• (Jim Carrey) "Bingo. Yahtzee. Is that your final answer? Our survey says -- God. Bing bing bing bing bing. Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK."

• (Jim Carrey) "I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done."

• (Jim Carrey) "Let there be light."

• (Jim Carrey) "Ally, can we get a recap?"
• (Nora Dunn) "You remember the Kowalskis? They've owned the shop for thirty years and they're attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie."

• (Homeless Man) ""LIFE IS JUST""
• (Jim Carrey) ""LIFE IS JUST"? Just get a clue."

• (Jim Carrey) "Newsflash. I'm not okay. I'm not okay with a mediocre job. I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment. I'm not okay with a mediocre life."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Is that what you think we have? A mediocre life?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Don't make this about you."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "About me? This isn't about me. It's about you. It's always about you."
• (Jim Carrey) "Perfect. PERFECT. I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt please."

• (Jim Carrey) "Alright, now we're gettin' somewhere. Let's see -- Filbert Davis, Gym Class."
• (Jim Carrey) "Lemme get a visual on this."
• (Unnamed) "Come on, fatty Filbert. My grandma can climb higher than you."
• (Unnamed) "Pretend there's a hot dog up there."
• (Unnamed) "Oh God, please help me."
• (Jim Carrey) "Don't worry Filbert, help is on the way."
• (Unnamed) "Oh my gosh --"

• (Jim Carrey) "Yes, behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes, folks."

• (Jim Carrey) "Vol? Vol? You want a tissue or something? Can we get Vol a tissue -- or a spoon?"

• (Jim Carrey) "Okay, now you're just showing off."

• (Jim Carrey) "We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music."

• (Jim Carrey) "The only one around here not doing his job is you."

• (Jim Carrey) "Hey --"
• (Jim Carrey) "How was that?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "That was great."
• (Jim Carrey) "Yeah?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "That was really great."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Now you still have to go over there. They nurse is waiting."
• (Jim Carrey) "Oh -- do I have to?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh it's not gonna hurt. In fact I think you'll find it quite pleasurable."
• (Jim Carrey) "Ooo baby."

• (Jim Carrey) "Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.'"

• (Jim Carrey) "God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm."

• (Jim Carrey) "God, why do you hate me?"

• (Stalled Car Guy) "Well, thanks a million."
• (Jim Carrey) "God bless."

• (Jim Carrey) "B-E-A-utiful."

• (Jim Carrey) "Where are you going?"
• (Morgan Freeman) "I'm taking a vacation."
• (Jim Carrey) "God doesn't take vacations. Does he? -- Do -- ye?"
• (Morgan Freeman) "Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?"

• (Jim Carrey) "Excuse me, I need a spoooo --"
• (Jim Carrey) "It's okay, I found one."

• (Jim Carrey) "Maybe I should be more like Evan."
• (Philip Baker Hall) "You don't want to be like Evan, Evan's an asshole."
• (Jim Carrey) "Well I can be an asshole."
• (Philip Baker Hall) "No Bruce, you can't."
• (Philip Baker Hall) "You going to pick that up?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Yeah I'm sorry."

• (Jim Carrey) "Love me. Love me."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "-- I did."

• (Jim Carrey) "So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?"
• (Mama Kowolski) "Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back."
• (Jim Carrey) "Let's try that again, shall we?"
• (Jim Carrey) "So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?"
• (Mama Kowolski) "So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?"
• (Jim Carrey) "And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?"
• (Vol Kowolski) "I work in back. I see no smiles."

• (Jim Carrey) "What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a us, tryin' to make his way --"
• (Jim Carrey) ".hooooOOOOOOME."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh my God."
• (Jim Carrey) "You can call me Bruce."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "What happened you you? You seem so-"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "-- happy."
• (Jim Carrey) "Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Ooooh -- those are amazing. What are these?"
• (Jim Carrey) "They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them -- tudaisies."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Okay --"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night --"
• (Jim Carrey) "Last night I was only human."
• (Jim Carrey) "Barry help me out here."

• (Jim Carrey) "There were so many. I just gave them all what they want."
• (Morgan Freeman) "Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?"

• (Jim Carrey) "And the cookie is -- ten feet and four inches. That's a record."

• (Jim Carrey) "Come on come on -- start."
• (Jim Carrey) "That was luck."

• (Unnamed) "You want me and the homies to apologize right?"
• (Unnamed) "Okay Cool, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you'll get your sorry."
• (Jim Carrey) "What a coincidence, because that's TODAY."

• (Jim Carrey) "Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me."

• (Jim Carrey) "Grace. Grace, come here. Grace, this is so weird, I was just calling you."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh yeah, what, and you thought like Susan's mouth was the phone?"
• (Jim Carrey) "She kissed me. I'm the kissee."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah, you were putting up a really big fight."
• (Jim Carrey) "I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she's really strong. Okay, I screwed up. Can I make it up to you?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah. Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce?"
• (Jim Carrey) "What?"
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Yeah, a big boat. And then maybe two big bags of cash? Then, then I'll be happy. Lots of money and lots of stuff. Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies with the man that they've loved for 5 years, but not me Bruce. Just gimme the boat."
• (Jim Carrey) "No wonder you stayed single. Grace, don't do this."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "I'm not doing it. I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's, you take care of Sam until I can make arrangements."
• (Jim Carrey) "You can't leave me. I'm the Alpha, lady. I'm the Omega, baby. Okay fine. I don't need you."

• (Jim Carrey) "Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass?"
• (Unnamed) "Hey. You said "ass"."
• (Jim Carrey) "Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey."

• (Jim Carrey) "Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy."

• (Jim Carrey) "Grace, the dog."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "I'm in the shower."

• (Jim Carrey) "Hi, Susan."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Oh, thank you, God."
• (Jim Carrey) "Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York."
• (Jim Carrey) "First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber; pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal."
• (Unnamed) "Oh, boy."
• (Jim Carrey) "Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill --"
• (Bill, Ferry Owner) "That's all right."
• (Jim Carrey) "No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Come on. What are you doing ?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?"
• (Bill, Ferry Owner) "Hey, man, I don't want any problems --"
• (Jim Carrey) "Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock"
• (Jim Carrey) "of my life, eroding beneath me?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding."
• (Philip Baker Hall) "Cut the feed. Cut to black."
• (Unnamed) "I'm on it."
• (Jim Carrey) "I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, f***ers."

• (Jim Carrey) "How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?"
• (Morgan Freeman) "Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know."

• (Jim Carrey) "Sam --"
• (Jim Carrey) "Good boy."
• (Jim Carrey) "Ah. Forget something?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Good boy. There are girls in the house, huh?"

• (Jim Carrey) "Woah, hold the phone. I like this one. Our weekend at the lake."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "How did you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash."
• (Jim Carrey) "You look perky, hun. Must've been cold."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Alright just give it to me."
• (Jim Carrey) "You know I think I'll put this on my computer and use it as a wallpaper."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Okay, Bruce, give it to me. Come on."
• (Jim Carrey) "Hey. Hey. No no no."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Alright fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care."
• (Jim Carrey) "I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy. I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful."
• (Jennifer Aniston) "Give that to me, right now."

• (Jim Carrey) "And that's the way the cookie crumbles."

• (Hazel) "My secret is that I let the jalapeños marinate in a spicy sauce for at least 24 hours, before I stir it into the chilli. Then I let it all come to a simmer."
• (Jim Carrey) "Hold that thought Hazel. It seems as if -- an asteroid, or some kind of meteorite -- has just hit ground, right outside of the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-off. This should certainly spice things up a bit."

• (Jim Carrey) "What is with that?"

• (Homeless Man) ""R EWE BLIND""
• (Jim Carrey) ""R EWE BLIND"? No, but I'm late."

• (Jim Carrey) "Give me a break."
• (Morgan Freeman) "Really something, isn't it?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Is this heaven?"
• (Morgan Freeman) "No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all."
• (Jim Carrey) "I'm dead ?"
• (Morgan Freeman) "Naw, I'm just messing with ya."
• (Jim Carrey) "That's not funny, Man. That is not funny."

• (Jim Carrey) "I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self."
• (Philip Baker Hall) "You did that in a day?"
• (Jim Carrey) "Imagine what I could do in seven --"

• (Jim Carrey) "Hey kid, wanna make 10 bucks?"
• (Unnamed) "Sure"
• (Jim Carrey) "You know how to work one of these?"
• (Unnamed) "Duh."
• (Jim Carrey) "Seems to be in tune. Let's do this."

• (Jim Carrey) "What up with thee."

• (Jim Carrey) "B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a s***."

• (Jim Carrey) "I better manifest some coffee."
• (Jim Carrey) "¡Hola. Juan Valdes."
• (Carlos Sánchez) "Buenos Dias."
• (Jim Carrey) "¡Buenos Dias."
• (Carlos Sánchez) "Desfrute buen café"
• (Jim Carrey) "Gracias, Señor."
• (Carlos Sánchez) "Adios."
• (Jim Carrey) "¡Adios."
• (Jim Carrey) "Ah -- Now that's fresh, mountain grown coffee from the hills of Columbia."

• (Jim Carrey) "I'm Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose -- Eyewitness Nose -- that's right."

• (Jim Carrey) "That's the way it was -- and that's the way the cookie crumbles -- and That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH."

Catherine Bell as Susan Ortega

• (Catherine Bell) "Bruce, if I had any idea Grace was going to be there last night --"
• (Jim Carrey) "Susan, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I found the moment rather pleasurable."
• (Catherine Bell) "Oh really -- that's nice --"

Philip Baker Hall as Jack

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Morgan Freeman as God

• (Morgan Freeman) "Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle."

• (Morgan Freeman) "Grace. You want her back?"
• (Jim Carrey) "No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes."
• (Morgan Freeman) "Now THAT'S a prayer."

• (Morgan Freeman) "You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it."
• (Jim Carrey) "Wait, really. I'm warning you. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal."
• (Morgan Freeman) "You haven't won a fight since the fifth grade and that was against a girl."
• (Jim Carrey) "Yeah, but she was huge."
• (Morgan Freeman) "And the sun was in your eyes."

• (Morgan Freeman) "No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up."

• (Morgan Freeman) ""The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh."

• (Morgan Freeman) "You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son."

• (Morgan Freeman) "Triumph is born out of struggle, faith is the alchemist. If you want pictures like these, you'll need to use some dark colors."

• (Morgan Freeman) "There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will."
• (Jim Carrey) "Can I ask why?"
• (Morgan Freeman) "Yes, you can. That's the beauty of it."

Nora Dunn as Woman

• (Unnamed) "Please bless my mommy, my daddy, and especially my little sister."
• (Unnamed) "Please help me Lord. Please get me through this one."
• (Nora Dunn) "I need you Lord. I'm desperate. And you alone, can take control of my future."
• (Unnamed) "All I'm asking, Lord, is that you help me."
• (Unnamed) "Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen."

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