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Best Week Ever Quotes

Best Week Ever is a Comedy, Entertainment news that debuted in 1970 on VH1. Best Week Ever ended in 2014.

Best Week Ever is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of Best Week Ever is 22 minutes long.

Best Week Ever Quotes

  • (Nick Kroll) "Hello, I'm a Mac."
  • (Unnamed) "And I'm a PC."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Dude, I just made this sweet mashup with the new Gnarls Barkley song mixed with scenes from Psycho the Alfred Hitchcock classic the other day on my Mac. It's pretty meta."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't know what you're talking about."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Basically I stole footage from Psycho and then borrowed music from the Gnarls Barkley song and put them all together. It's mad stupid."
  • (Unnamed) "Do you know what I think is stupid?"
  • (Nick Kroll) "What?"
  • (Unnamed) "Expensive worn jeans, ironic t-shirts and pretentious film school glasses."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Do you mean like stupid stupid or cool stupid?"
  • (Unnamed) "Jewel's book could be for the slower classes."
  • (Unnamed) "If you purchased the latest Josh Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1."
  • (Unnamed) "What I'd most like to see on the Kirsten Dunst/Jake Gyllenhall sex tape is Patton Oswalt playing the part of Jake Gyllenhall."
  • (Greg Fitzsimmons) "It's really helpful to the writers, because they go online and they take the theories and put them into the script, because they've run out of stuff."
  • (Unnamed) "They missed. Damn it. Those little bastards. They should practice a little aim."
  • (Unnamed) "And what is it they patrol? The Easy Listening section at Sam Goody. You're not going to get to the Josh Groban without going through the Soul Patrol."
  • (Unnamed) "Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful."
  • (Unnamed) "This is Crunk Juice. This is Lil Jon's drink. If Crunk Juice in any way, shape, or form, makes you look like him. Beware."
  • (Unnamed) "I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses."
  • (Unnamed) "Nothing can stop Pamela and Tommy. Hepatitis. A porno video. Kid Rock. This is the real American Couple. Upgrade."
  • (Jon Stewart) "You know what's interesting though: You're as big a dick-head on your show."
  • (Unnamed) "I think Jon Stewart was more than justified in calling Tucker Carlson a dick. I can think of other things he should have called him: a fudge packer -- a partisan fuck-up."
  • (Unnamed) "Socialites and heiresses should shut the fuck up. Who the hell is Brandon Davis? He's a socialite. You know what that is, people? That's somebody rich that just hangs out."
  • (Unnamed) "Well, there is a little hottie in the Harry Potter movies, and his name is Ron Weasley."
  • (Unnamed) "I can finally sleep, actually, now that these two white girls"
  • (Unnamed) "aren't beefing"
  • (Unnamed) "Madonna said at her concert, "Everyone needs to see Fahrenheit 9/11; now if you'll excuse me: I need to grind on this pregnant backup dancer.""
  • (Unnamed) "Everything's gotta be sooo African with these two."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Brandon Davis, for those of you who don't know, and God forbid you don't know who Brandon Davis is, he's the son of Marvin Davis, the oil magnate, uh, he used to date Mischa Barton, so that's an accomplishment -- and third, he's a fat asshole."
  • (Unnamed) "The ultimate Britney experience would involve a hearing loss on my part, and clothing loss on her part."
  • (Unnamed) "I think somehow science is gonna catch up and Kevin Federline is gonna get that many pregnant."
  • (Greg Fitzsimmons) "I was pretty much done with Desperate Housewives. The men have all been castrated. The women have all been neutered, but all of a sudden we got a black guy locked up in the basement. Hey, hey. TiVo alert."
  • (Unnamed) "You see the trailer for King Kong? King Kong is small. King Kong is like, 5'10". I like my King Kong big. I like my Donkey Kong small and my King Kong big. I'm old school."
  • (Unnamed) "If you're dealing with FOX, make sure they're going to pay you enough money to buy a new life, because they're certainly going to ruin the one you have now."
  • (Unnamed) "Every time I see this show I go out and get a vasectomy."
  • (Unnamed) "This is the first ever piece of celebrity gossip containing no celebrities."
  • (Unnamed) "The next person that comes up to me and says, "your fired," I'm going to say, "your a d k.""
  • (Unnamed) "could be the biggest budgeted gay gladiator film ever made."
  • (Unnamed) "There all running around spanking each other on the ass, but they're spanking each other hard. And I think that's the difference."
  • (Unnamed) "Ernie and Bert have been cohabiting for thirty five years, they live in a five bedroom apartment, but they sleep in the same bedroom. Suspicious?"
  • (Unnamed) "Tatum O'Neal can be 12 and have sex with Melanie Griffith but Roman Polanski has sex with a 12 year old and gets shipped out of the country? There's no justice."
  • (Unnamed) "I did not give a rose to the Growing Pains Reunion movie because let's face it no Growing Pains movie is complete without Boner."
  • (Unnamed) "Is anybody really surprised there is another Paris Hilton sex tape? I bet if I look in my garage long enough, I will find a Paris Hilton sex tape."
  • (Unnamed) "So they put the Seinfeld puffy shirt in the Smithsonian this week."
  • (Unnamed) "Finally some real art in the Smithsonian."
  • (Unnamed) "Courtney Love was back in Court, again, this week and she went with a different fashion style, it was kinda like homeless-lady chic."
  • (Unnamed) "It is rough being a beauty. These "Top Models" are hurting. Okay. And, we need to respect them."
  • (Unnamed) "Our government couldn't govern its way out of a paper bag. Oprah just cuts through all the Oprah tape and gets it done."
  • (Unnamed) "J-Lo as your step mother. Excellent. Before you're even old enough to say, "You're not my real mom," she's married to someone else."
  • (Unnamed) "Paul Hamm won in the true American fashion: he relied on other people to screw up worse than he did."
  • (Unnamed) "Sean Preston is what Britney likes to think of as a practice baby."
  • (Unnamed) "A starter child. It's before you move onto the real one, the trophy child."
  • (Unnamed) "Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom."
  • (Unnamed) "I like to take a drink every time Gary Busey says something absolutely fucking insane."
  • (Unnamed) "For the Greek people the Olympics are so 4,000 BC. Been there, done that."
  • (Unnamed) "The Lost fans are so thorough. If they could only start investigating al-Qaeda, we'd find Bin Laden in like two hours."
  • (Unnamed) "finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music"
  • (Unnamed) "What"
  • (Unnamed) "has is raw sexual energy."
  • (Unnamed) "I was hoping Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell sat next to each other on the View. Cause then maybe they'd get into a fight -- to the death -- or worse."
  • (Unnamed) "I'm totally rooting for the Predator, cause he's a Rastafarian brother."
  • (Unnamed) "He's like a Jamaican from Mars, and he's going to be high, and during the fight he's going to be like, "Man I don't want to fight you man. No beef.""
  • (Unnamed) "The thing that's great about Gnarles Barkley is that they absolutely deny it has anything to do with Charles Barkley. That's just a lie. That's awesome."
  • (Unnamed) "Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?""
  • (Nick Kroll) "Hello, I'm a Mac."
  • (Unnamed) "And I'm a PC."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Oh righteous, you've got an iPod."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, it works with my PC. I also enjoy listening to songs."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Well you should check out iPhoto, iMovie, iWeb, they all work like iTunes. You know it's like iLife. It comes with every Mac."
  • (Unnamed) "Have you ever heard of You Shut?"
  • (Nick Kroll) "No, what is that? Some PC program that competes with Mac?"
  • (Unnamed) "No. You Shut the f k up you pompous pr ck or I'll shove this iPod up your ass."
  • (Nick Kroll) "That's like a really long name for a software program."
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah."
  • (Unnamed) "If you look at these things -- there's like four words on a page, it's like, "Oh Yeah your going to give me a million bucks writing a kids book. Cool.""
  • (Unnamed) "What happened to The Idol?"
  • (Unnamed) "America voted off La Toya, quite possibly the best singer of the whole bunch."
  • (Unnamed) "No, not La Toya -- nooooo. It just goes to prove that America doesn't want music, they want Muzak."
  • (Unnamed) "America, you messed up. You messed up big time."
  • (Unnamed) "She's not in the mafia. She's a humble importer of olive oil."
  • (Nick Kroll) "US Weekly has reported that Britney has laid down an ultimatum. Either Kevin starts respecting Britney and their baby or he only gets like five or six more chances and then she's gonna lay down another ultimatum."
  • (Unnamed) "She got rid of all her piercings except the nipple ring. Why? Because the nipple ring is classy."
  • (Unnamed) "P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other."
  • (Unnamed) "Shyne is having an amazing week. You know what: it couldn't happen to a nicer convicted felon."
  • (Unnamed) "The only thing that could make this week better for Shyne is if he got gang-raped -- by Grammy nominations."
  • (Unnamed) "Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money."
  • (Unnamed) "There's nothing Oprah can't do. Remember that budget deficit? You don't hear about that any more."
  • (Unnamed) "Gone."
  • (Unnamed) "She took care of it."
  • (Unnamed) "It got Oprah-fied."
  • (Unnamed) "Like a third of her salary."
  • (Jessica Simpson) "Congratulations Best Week Ever on your 100th episodes. Now leave me alone."
  • (Sally Struthers) "Happy 100th episode Best Week Ever. Now really, leave Jessica Simpson alone, please."
  • (Unnamed) "Well the trailer for Rocky Balboa was released this week and this movie promises to be the most recent Rocky movie ever."
  • (Unnamed) "Oh no. Someone phunked with his heart."
  • (Unnamed) "Everyone looks good next to"
  • (Unnamed) "Ted Kennedy. Carrot Top looks good next to Ted Kennedy."
  • (Unnamed) "If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker."
  • (Unnamed) "It's always good for morale to see your governor in a hot tub gropping women."
  • (Unnamed) "People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?"
  • (Unnamed) "I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman."
  • (Unnamed) "After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace."
  • (Unnamed) "you can't be nine religions in three years."
  • (Greg Fitzsimmons) "If Oprah wants to catch more child molesters, try giving a shoutout on the Jerry Springer show. You'll nab like twenty of them right in the audience."
  • (Unnamed) "This is like the most dangerous apartment ever. She's like: I came home and my swords were gone and my snakes and my big tiger and my piranha and my Chinese throwing stars and my weapons of mass destruction and my toaster. All gone."
  • (Greg Fitzsimmons) "I don't think adopting a child is a good idea given your lifestyle. I think you'd be better off adopting a highway mile."
  • (Unnamed) "I thought The Surreal Life was the show about the bigest losers."
  • (Unnamed) "If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda."
  • (Unnamed) "John Edwards may be a pretty boy but it's all relative when Dick Cheney looks like an angry sea turtle."
  • (Unnamed) "I watch"
  • (Unnamed) "like a car wreck. And I do watch car wrecks."
  • (Unnamed) "Can we not give her credit for getting him in the car seat? Like, just a couple weeks ago, she had him on the hood. Baby steps, people."
  • (Unnamed) "Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn."
  • (Unnamed) "The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five."
  • (Unnamed) "I do not want to see someone else's home movies and I'm a narcissist who loves to look at himself naked in the mirror."
  • (Unnamed) "Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money."
  • (Unnamed) "The thing about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is that it's the largest AA meeting."
  • (Unnamed) "That ho could suck the sheet off a ghost."
  • (Unnamed) "Whitney -- cover up, quick, Bill O'Reilly's around."
  • (Unnamed) "This movie about Heidi Fleiss is like Rocky for whores: girl that moves to Hollywood, she decides to become a slut, and she made her dreams come true."
  • (Unnamed) "Jasmine got kicked off"
  • (Unnamed) ". Thank God. I'm sorry. I know that I should not be reveling in the fact that this little girl is now off -- and can now go back to that Tiki show at the Polynesian village."
  • (Unnamed) "Weird behavior is so not the the Anna Nicole I know."
  • (Unnamed) "His charity efforts? Mmmmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his motestation charges"
  • (Unnamed) "If I were Mary Lou Retton, which I'm not, I'd probably check my 401K."
  • (Unnamed) "Ladies, I have a message for you: Men don't give a sh t. If we're noticing your ankles, we're not interested."
  • (Unnamed) "If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan.""
  • (Unnamed) "I don't think that Michael Jackson thinks that dressing like Harry Potter will get him off. But I'm pretty certain that Michael Jackson thinking about Harry Potter gets him off."
  • (Unnamed) "The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Hello, I'm a Mac"
  • (Unnamed) "And I'm a PC"
  • (Nick Kroll) "I'm into doing fun stuff like music, movies podcasts, stuff like that."
  • (Unnamed) "And I'm into important stuff like spreadsheets, timesheets and pie charts."
  • (Nick Kroll) "That's cool but you can't capture your family's vacation on a pie chart."
  • (Unnamed) "Right, but a podcast about your favorite hoodies and independent film won't help you pay for that vacation."
  • (Nick Kroll) "No, that's what my trust fund is for, but that's a pretty sweet idea for a podcast."
  • (Unnamed) "Why am I even wasting my time talking to this jackass?"
  • (Nick Kroll) "Dude, don't be a hater. You can borrow my isight camera."
  • (Unnamed) "This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex."
  • (Unnamed) "The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible -- and about racism."
  • (Nick Kroll) "I find it kinda weird that Joe Rogan is trading accomplishments with a twenty year old. Like, it's not really that fair. It's like, "I'm twenty, dude. I'm a sophomore in college. You're like sixty five, you know.""
  • (Unnamed) "Of course the OC stands for: only Caucasian."
  • (Unnamed) "I feel like Ed Furlong's not living up to his potential as a child star, as a bad boy child star. Like there's so many more drugs he should be doing, there's so many cars he should be stealing. There are convenient stores that are not being robbed, Ed. Get on the ball."
  • (Unnamed) "Anyone who has read the life of the Saints knows that St. Patrick was very Christlike -- he changed water into Schlitz. And it was for things like that, that we honor him."
  • (Nick Kroll) "Proportionably speaking, Jade is fantasticnatious in the way she can create words and phrasology in a magnification of mannerisms."
  • (Unnamed) "I think Nanny 911 is actually part of the Bush Administration's plan to promote abstinence -- cause no one's having sex once you've seen these kids."
  • (Unnamed) "This band is gonna be together forever, because I heard that the world is ending in 3 weeks."
  • (Unnamed) "Having Big Bird speak at your college graduation is one step up from having a Teletubby"
  • (Unnamed) "."
  • (Unnamed) "Supersize Me is kinda like Willy Wonka meets Jackass."
  • (Unnamed) "All marionettes are trying to say with this movie, is that if you don't see it, the sock puppets have won."
  • (Unnamed) "Never has anyone reached out and said, "Hey kids, this is how you sexually harass at work.""
  • (Unnamed) "Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter."
  • (Unnamed) "Why does every celebrity feel the need to name their child something that everyone will completely make fun of."

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