A Christmas Story Quotes

A Christmas Story is a TV program that appeared on TV in 1970 . A Christmas Story ended in 1970.

It features Rene Dupont, and Bob Clark as producer, Carl Zittrer, and Paul Zaza in charge of musical score, and Reginald H. Morris as head of cinematography.

A Christmas Story is recorded in English and originally aired in United States. Each episode of A Christmas Story is 93 minutes long. A Christmas Story is distributed by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

The cast includes: Darren McGavin as Mr. Parker, Peter Billingsley as Ralphie, Scott Schwartz as Flick, R. D. Robb as Schwartz, Melinda Dillon as Mrs. Parker, Darren McGavin as The Old Man, Ian Petrella as Randy, Tedde Moore as Miss Shields, R. D. Robb as Mrs. Schwartz, Jeff Gillen as Santa Claus, Zack Ward as Scut Farkus, and Yano Anaya as Grover Dill.

A Christmas Story Quotes

Peter Billingsley as Ralphie

• (Peter Billingsley) "Hey Dad. I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas."
• (Darren McGavin) "A new furnace?"
• (Peter Billingsley) "He he, that's a good one Dad."
• (Ian Petrella) "He he he."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears."

• (Peter Billingsley) "I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle."
• (Melinda Dillon) "No, you'll shoot your eye out."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand --"
• (Peter Billingsley) "YECCHH."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "Strange. Even something as momentous as the Scut Farkus affair, which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Santa. Yeah, I'll ask Santa."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection. Ha, my mother had slipped up this time."

• (Mother) "All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?"
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Schwartz."

• (Peter Billingsley) "Heh, I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "Round One was over. heh heh. Parents one, kids, zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable."
• (Mother) "Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?"
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out."
• (Peter Billingsley) "I want a Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Ohhhhhhh --"
• (Mother) "No, you'll shoot your eye out."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Oh no. It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out." That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kid-dom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "C+? Oh no, it CAN'T be."
• (Peter Billingsley) "C+?"
• (Tedde Moore) "C+. C+. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

• (Peter Billingsley) "Hey Dad. I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas."
• (Darren McGavin) "A new furnace."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Ha ha. That's a good one, Dad."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "Oh, no. "You'll shoot your eye out."?"
• (Peter Billingsley) "Oh, no."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields. There could be no other explanation."
• (Mother) ""You'll shoot your eye out. You'll shoot your eye out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?"

• (Peter Billingsley) "Scut Farkus."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Scut Farkus. What a rotten name. We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes. So help me, God. Yellow eyes."

• (Peter Billingsley) "It -- It 'twas -- soap poisoning."

• (Peter Billingsley) "I thought you might like something different."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts."

• (Man in Line for Santa) "Young man. Hey, kid. Just where do you think you're going?"
• (Peter Billingsley) "Going up to see Santa."
• (Man in Line for Santa) "The line ENDS here. It begins THERE."

• (Goggles) "I like Santa."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Yeah."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances."

• (Peter Billingsley) "Come on, mom. We're gonna be late."
• (Mother) "Sorry, Ralph."

Darren McGavin as The Old Man

• (Darren McGavin) "Aaah. "Fra-GEE-leh." It must be Italian."
• (Melinda Dillon) "Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, honey."
• (Darren McGavin) "Huh? Oh, yeah."

• (Darren McGavin) "Don't you touch that. You were always jealous of this lamp."
• (Mother) "Jealous of a plastic --"
• (Darren McGavin) "Jealous. Jealous because I WON."
• (Mother) "That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is -- the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Now it was out."

• (Mother) "Is this another one of your silly puzzles?"
• (Darren McGavin) "Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS."
• (Mother) "What is it this time?"
• (Darren McGavin) "Name the great characters in American literature."
• (Mother) "Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?"

• (Darren McGavin) "When Parker is reading the paper about an upcoming game between the Packers and the Bears, he says something like Ah the bears, the monsters of the gridiron. Should be the monster of the midway."

• (Darren McGavin) "Sons of bitches. Bumpuses."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory."
• (Darren McGavin) "Oh, look at that. Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's -- it's -- it's indescribably beautiful. It reminds me of the Fourth of July."

• (Darren McGavin) "Don't anybody move. Hold it right there. The fuse is out."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man."
• (Darren McGavin) "That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator."
• (Mother) "Little pitchers."
• (Darren McGavin) "Thanks -- hold it."
• (Darren McGavin) "It's a clinker. That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit."
• (Darren McGavin) "Damn skates."
• (Darren McGavin) "Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN. Oh, blast it."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan."

• (Darren McGavin) "He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny."
• (Mother) "He does not."
• (Darren McGavin) "He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare."

• (Darren McGavin) "It's a Major Award."
• (Swede) "A Major Award? Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp."
• (Darren McGavin) "It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a Major Award. I won it."
• (Swede) "Damn, hell, you say won it?"
• (Darren McGavin) "Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power."

• (Darren McGavin) "Holy smokes. Do -- Do you know what this is? This is -- A lamp."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "It was indeed a lamp."
• (Darren McGavin) "Isn't that great? What a great lamp."
• (Mother) "I don't know --"
• (Ralphie as Adult) "The old man's eyes boggled --"
• (Darren McGavin) "Oh WOW."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "-- Overcome by art."

• (Darren McGavin) "It could be a bowling alley."
• (Mother) "How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight?"
• (Darren McGavin) "They'll send the deed for cripesake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley."

• (Darren McGavin) "Dadgummit. Blow out."
• (Darren McGavin) "Ah ha."
• (Mother) "Not again."
• (Darren McGavin) "Four minutes. Time me."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber."

• (Darren McGavin) "Yes, it's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see -- it's smiling at me."
• (Chop Suey Palace Owner) "Ooohh."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "That Christmas would live in our memories as the year we were introduced to Chinese turkey."

• (Darren McGavin) "You filty sicken hook-aid. Oh, smelly wok buster. Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer. You bladder puss nut grafter. Dorton hoper --"
• (Ralphie as Adult) "What happened next was a family controversy for years."
• (Darren McGavin) "You wart mundane noodle. You shotten shifter paskabah. You snort tonguer. Lame monger snaffa shell cocker."

• (Darren McGavin) "Hold it. Shhh --"
• (Darren McGavin) "Aha. Aha. It's a clinkerrrr. That blasted, stupid furnace. Dadgummit."
• (Darren McGavin) "Damn skates."
• (Darren McGavin) "Oh for cripe's sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? Hawk head. Aw, blasted poop flirt rattle crap camel flirt. You blonker frattle feet sturckle frat. Of a womp sack butt ratter bottom fodder --"
• (Ralphie as Adult) "In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan."
• (Darren McGavin) "-- smick melly whop walker. Drop dumb fratten house stickle fifer."

• (Darren McGavin) "Get the glue."
• (Mother) "We're out of glue."
• (Darren McGavin) "You used up all the glue on purpose."

• (Darren McGavin) "You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand-new green plastic trees."
• (Tree Man) "Oh no."
• (Darren McGavin) "Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee."
• (Mother) "It's a very nice tree."
• (Tree Man) "I'll thrown in some rope and tie it to your car for you."
• (Darren McGavin) "You got a deal."
• (Tree Man) "Deal."

• (Ralphie as Adult) "We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice."
• (Darren McGavin) "Didn't I get a tie this year?"

• (Darren McGavin) "All right. Everybody upstairs. Get dressed. We are going out -- to eat."

• (Darren McGavin) "I told you not to use Lifebuoy."

• (Darren McGavin) "What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?"
• (Mother) "Ah -- Victor. His name is Victor."
• (Darren McGavin) "How the hell did you know that?"
• (Mother) "Everybody knows that."

• (Darren McGavin) "I had one when I was eight years old."
• (Mother) "What if he hurts himself?"

• (Darren McGavin) "Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?"
• (Mother) "What is it?"
• (Darren McGavin) "It's a leg."
• (Mother) "But what is it?"
• (Darren McGavin) "Well, it's -- A leg, you know, like a statue."
• (Mother) "Statue?"
• (Darren McGavin) "Yeah, statue."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Yeah, statue."
• (Mother) "Ralphie."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue."

• (Darren McGavin) "So what else happened today?"
• (Mother) "Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?"
• (Darren McGavin) "A fight? What kind of a fight?"
• (Mother) "Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to --"
• (Mother) "Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday."
• (Darren McGavin) "What? Oh yeah. Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there."

• (Darren McGavin) "Get in the car. Get in the car."
• (Darren McGavin) "If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees."
• (Darren McGavin) "Go on, go on."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver in the legendary battle of the lamp. The epic struggle which follows lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day."
• (Mother) "Don't want to waste electricity."
• (Darren McGavin) ""Don't want to waste electricity.""

• (Darren McGavin) "Tonight. Tonight. It's coming Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Hot Damn, Tonight."

Ian Petrella as Randy

• (Ian Petrella) "Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf."
• (Darren McGavin) "All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in."

• (Mother) "Randy? What's wrong? Whatcha cryin' for?"
• (Ian Petrella) "Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie."
• (Mother) "No he's not --"
• (Ian Petrella) "Yes he is."
• (Mother) "No, I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie."

• (Mother) "Randy, how do the little piggies go?"
• (Mother) "That's right. Oink, oink. Now show me how the piggies eat."
• (Mother) "This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show mommy how the piggies eat."
• (Mother) "Mommy's little piggie."

• (Ian Petrella) "I can't put my arms down."
• (Mother) "Well -- put your arms down when you get to school."

Scott Schwartz as Flick

• (Scott Schwartz) "Do you know what I'm getting for my old man for Christmas?"
• (Peter Billingsley) "Yeah, what?"
• (Scott Schwartz) "A rose that squirts. People come to smell it, it squirts them."
• (R. D. Robb) "I'm getting my old man a Flit gun."
• (Peter Billingsley) "A Flit gun?"
• (R. D. Robb) "Yeah."
• (Yano Anaya) "Stop right there."
• (Peter Billingsley) "Who, me?"
• (Yano Anaya) "Yeah, you. Get over there."
• (Peter Billingsley) "I can't now, Grover. I've -- I've gotta go see Miss Shields."
• (Yano Anaya) "Hey, come here. Get back here."
• (Zack Ward) "Yeah, you get back here. Come back here."
• (Zack Ward) "You -- come here."
• (Scott Schwartz) "Who, me?"
• (Yano Anaya) "No, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here."
• (Scott Schwartz) "Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle."
• (Scott Schwartz) "UNCLE. UNCLE."

• (Scott Schwartz) "Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb."
• (R. D. Robb) "That's 'cause you know it'll stick."
• (Scott Schwartz) "You're full of it."
• (R. D. Robb) "Oh yeah?"
• (Scott Schwartz) "Yeah."
• (R. D. Robb) "Well I double-DOG-dare ya."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare."
• (R. D. Robb) "I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat."

R. D. Robb as Schwartz

• (Mother) "Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?"
• (Mother) "No, he said --"
• (R. D. Robb) "NO, NOT THAT."
• (Mother) "Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?"
• (R. D. Robb) "Probably from his father."
• (Mother) "No. He heard it from your son."
• (R. D. Robb) "WHAT. WHAT. WHAAAAAAT."
• (R. D. Robb) "Ah, no. What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing. AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice."

• (R. D. Robb) "Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya."
• (Scott Schwartz) "Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?"
• (R. D. Robb) "He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off."
• (Ian Petrella) "C'mon, guys. Wait up. C'mon, guys. Wait up."

Jeff Gillen as Santa Claus

• (Jeff Gillen) "If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past 9:00, he can kiss my foot. Ho ho ho."

• (Jeff Gillen) "Come on up on Santa's lap."
• (Jeff Gillen) "Ahhh, here's a wet one. And what's your name little boy?"
• (Billy) "Billy"
• (Jeff Gillen) "And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck?"
• (Jeff Gillen) "Get him off my lap and get my a towel."
• (Jeff Gillen) "Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca."

• (Head Elf) "COME ON, KID."
• (Head Elf) "COME ON."
• (Jeff Gillen) "HO. HO HO."
• (Jeff Gillen) "HOOOO -- HOOO -- HOO -- And what's your name little boy?"
• (Male Elf) "Hey, kid. HURRY UP. THE STORE'S CLOSING."
• (Head Elf) "Listen little boy, we have A LOT of people waiting here, so GET GOING."

Zack Ward as Scut Farkus

(We don't have any quotes for this character)

Melinda Dillon as Mrs. Parker

• (Melinda Dillon) "Randy, will you eat? There are starving people in China."

Tedde Moore as Miss Shields

• (Tedde Moore) "Now I know that some of you put Flick up to this, but he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame, and I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick."
• (Ralphie as Adult) "Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught."

• (Tedde Moore) "Where's Flick? Has anyone seen Flick?"
• (Ralphie as an Adult) "Flick? Flick who?"

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