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A Bit of Fry and Laurie Quotes

A Bit of Fry & Laurie is a television program that appeared on TV in 1989 on BBC One; BBC Two. A Bit of Fry & stopped airing in 1995.

A Bit of Fry & Laurie was on for 26 episodes. It features Kevin Bishop as producer. A Bit of Fry & Laurie is created by Stephen Fry.

A Bit of Fry & Laurie is recorded in English and originally aired in United Kingdom. Each episode of A Bit of Fry & Laurie is 30 minutes long.

A Bit of Fry & Laurie Quotes

  • (Assistant) "Can I help you?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yes please. I'd like eight packets of condoms, please."
  • (Assistant) "Eight?"
  • (Unnamed) "Eight. Four of them featherlite, three of them ribbed,"
  • (Unnamed) "the new single by Jason Donovan,"
  • (Unnamed) "and one multi-coloured pack of Fiestas."
  • (Assistant) "Jason Donovan?"
  • (Unnamed) "That's right. Can you make sure they're all sensitol lubricated?"
  • (Unnamed) "The reason we're not going to do this sketch is that it contains a great deal of sex and violence."
  • (Unnamed) "A great deal."
  • (Unnamed) "Lots of sex and violence."
  • (Unnamed) "That's right. During the sketch, Stephen hits me several times with a golf club."
  • (Unnamed) "Which of course wouldn't matter except that I do it very sexily."
  • (Unnamed) "That's the trouble, you see. He does it so sexily. I wish you could see it."
  • (Unnamed) "And then the sketch ends with us going to bed together --"
  • (Unnamed) "-- violently."
  • (Unnamed) "Very, very violently. Now this raises problems."
  • (Unnamed) "Not for me."
  • (Unnamed) "Which of sir's manifold hairs would he care to place in my professional care for the purposes of securing an encutment?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson."
  • (Unnamed) "I can't stop now, my wife is being towed away."
  • (Unnamed) "We're going to leave you with tonight's cocktail recipe. This one's called "A Slow Snog With A Distant Relative". For this you'll need two measures of brandy, three of rum. One measure pink gin, one white. A dash of lemonade, a sprint of orange-juice, a spoonful of crushed Sugar Puffs, two hard-boiled eggs and an open-toed sandal, size nine if you can get it. Hit it, Mr Laurie, if you'd be so very kind."
  • (Unnamed) "Then I was Princess Anne's assistant for a while, but I chucked that in because it was obvious they were never going to make me Princess Anne, no matter how well I did the job. It was a question of who you were, rather than how well you did, you know, and I hate that."
  • (Unnamed) "Secret vices? I don't know. Rather too fond of chocolate Hob Nobs. My wife tells me I overdo the heroin. Otherwise, not really."
  • (Unnamed) "So I said "Why don't you shove it where the sun don't shine" and so he did. He put it in the cupboard under the stairs and it hasn't been mentioned since."
  • (Unnamed) "People often ask what we keep under our helmets. Well, I'll show you."
  • (Unnamed) "Hold up, some bastard's nicked it."
  • (Unnamed) "If you try and kill them, you're put in prison; if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed."
  • (Unnamed) "And then my bereavement counsellor died. I didn't know who to turn to."
  • (Unnamed) "Imagine a piano keyboard. Um, 88 keys, only 88, and yet, and yet, hundreds of new melodies, new tunes, new harmonies are being composed upon hundreds of different keyboards every day in Dorset alone. Now, our language, Tiger, our language. Hundreds of thousands of available words, frillions of legitimate new ideas -- Hm? So that I can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication: "Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.""
  • (Unnamed) "Delivery. In a modern society jokes must be delivered on time. If you experience any delivery where the timing is too --"
  • (Unnamed) "-- slow?"
  • (Unnamed) "-- or if the timing should be t --"
  • (Unnamed) "quick,; or, if the joke never even --"
  • (Unnamed) "-- then the commission will be only too happy to look into it. The Comedy Charter. Peace of mind."
  • (Unnamed) "Audience power."
  • (Unnamed) "Your guarantee of satisfaction and delivery."
  • (Unnamed) "Without dripping."
  • (Unnamed) "Soupy Twist."
  • (Unnamed) "Yes, indeed. Very happily married. Very happily married indeed. My wife's away at the moment visiting her sister in Wales, but very --"
  • (Unnamed) "Is this going out on television?"
  • (Unnamed) "Who the hell are you? Go away. Honestly --"
  • (Unnamed) "What does it say on the name plate on my desk Jacobson?"
  • (Unnamed) ""The Buck Stops At My Ass" sir."
  • (Unnamed) "We had our first child on the NHS, and had to wait nine months. Can you believe it?"
  • (Unnamed) "What's the difference between a man and a woman?"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh."
  • (Unnamed) "Excuse me. What's the difference between a man and a woman?"
  • (Unnamed) "You have a daughter, I believe?"
  • (Unnamed) "Yeah. Yeah, Henrietta."
  • (Unnamed) "Did he, did he? I'm sorry to hear that."
  • (Unnamed) "I can't pretend to be much of a judge of poetry. I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual."
  • (Unnamed) "I don't know much about pornography. But I know what I like."
  • (Unnamed) "The trouble with David Icke is that he doesn't go quite far enough --"
  • (Unnamed) "I apprehended the accused and advised him of his rights. He replied, "Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole, you fusking cloff prunker.""
  • (Judge) ""Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole you fusking -- " er, cloth-blanket was it?"
  • (Unnamed) "Er, I believe it was -- er --"
  • (Judge) "Yes, yes?"
  • (Unnamed) "Cloff-prunker, m'lud."
  • (Judge) "I see. Forgive my ignorance, but what exactly is a "cloff-prunker"?"
  • (Unnamed) "Well, m'lud, it's --"
  • (Judge) "Yes?"
  • (Unnamed) "It's -- um -- an illicit practice whereby one person -- erm --"
  • (Judge) "Well?"
  • (Unnamed) "Whereby one person frangilates another's slimp, m'lud."
  • (Judge) "He does what?"
  • (Unnamed) "He or she gratifies the other person by -- smuctating them avially."
  • (Unnamed) "Used to be this chap at my school called Richard Braine. You'll never guess our nickname for him. We used to call him Rick Brain. Oh, no, that can't be right."
  • (Unnamed) "Hello and welcome to "Flying a Light Aeroplane Without Having Had Any Formal Instruction With -- "."
  • (Unnamed) "What the hell ever happened to the old John?"
  • (Unnamed) "We pulled it up when we put in the carpark."
  • (Unnamed) "Moira Stewart -- and Jill Gascoigne -- neither of them wrote back. Can you believe these people? I mean how much trouble can it be to just bung a pair of stockings in the post?"
  • (Unnamed) "Good evening and welcome to "Realizing I've Given The Wrong Directions To -- ". Tonight I shall be Realizing I've Given The Wrong Directions To Rabbi Michael Leibovitz. Rabbi --"
  • (Unnamed) "Oh, god."

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