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Funny Quotes From Monty Python's Flying Circus

Monty Python's Flying Circus is one of the most well known British comedies around the world. The humor is random but can also be a bit of slapstick. If you want to compare it to an American show, it'd be a bit like Mary Tyler Moore's Show or Mad TV, except with fewer characters.

Below are some of the great funny quotes from the television series Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Mr Mousebender: Tell me, do you have any cheese at all?
Henry Wenslydale: Yes.
Mr Mousebender: Now I'm going to ask you the same question again, and if you say "No", I'm going to shoot you in the head. Do you have any cheese?
Henry Wenslydale: [contemplates] Um, no.
Mr Mousebender: [shots Henry Wenslydale through the head] What a senseless waste of human life.
Dr. Gumby: [normal voice] Glasses.
[nurse gives him glasses]
Dr. Gumby: Moustache.
[nurse gives him moustache]
Dr. Gumby: Handkerchief.
[nurse puts Gumby handkerchief on his head]
Dr. Gumby: [in Gumby voice] I'm going to operater, I'm going to operate...
[the other Gumbys join in]
T.F. Gumby: [waking up] Hello?
Dr. Gumby: We forgot the anaesthetic!
[Gumby comes crashing through the wall]
Gumby: [to T. F. Gumby] I'm going to anaesthetize you!
[Gumby hits T. F. Gumby in the head with his anaesthetic tube]
Mr Mousebender: Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
Henry Wenslydale: Yes, sir.
Mr Mousebender: Really?
Henry Wenslydale: No, not really, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Mr Mousebender: Well I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you.
Henry Wenslydale: Right-o then.
[Mousebender draws a gun and shoots Wenslydale dead]
Mr Mousebender: What a senseless waste of human life.
Bounder: 'Morning, I'm Bounder-Of-Adventure.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Hello, I'm Smoke-Too-Much.
Bounder: Well you'd better cut down a little then.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: I'm sorry?
Bounder: You'd better cut down a little then.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Oh oh, I see. Smoke too much, so I better cut down a little then.
Bounder: Yes. I expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: No. I've never noticed it before.
Milkman: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist.
Mrs. Pim: You look like a milkman to me.
Milkman: [ticks a box on his clipboard] Good, I am in fact dressed as a milkman... you spotted that. Well done.
Mrs. Pim: Go away.
Milkman: Now then, madam, I'm going to show you three numbers and I want you to tell me if you notice any similarity between them.
[holds up a card with the number "3' on it three times]
Mrs. Pim: They're all number three.
Milkman: No. Try again.
Mrs. Pim: They're *all* number three?
Milkman: No. They're *all* number three.
Milkman: Right. Now, I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes into yout head. How many pints do you want?
Mrs. Pim: Er... three?
Milkman: Yoghurt?
Mrs. Pim: Er... no.
Milkman: Cream?
Mrs. Pim: No.
Milkman: Eggs?
Mrs. Pim: No.
Milkman: [writes] Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupledwith acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex.
Mrs. Pim: You *are* a bloody milkman!
Milkman: Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.
Mrs. Pim: I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy!
Milkman: Mrs. Ratbag! If you don't mind my saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say that a trip down to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.
Mrs. Pim: All right... but how am I going to get home?
Milkman: I'll run you there and back in my psychiatrist's float.
Mrs. Pim: ...All right.
Man: That was not five minutes just now.
Mr. Vibrating: I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid.
Man: I just paid.
Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have.
Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about this.
Mr. Vibrating: Well you didn't pay.
Man: Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? See, I've got you.
Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: I've had enough of this.
Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.
T.F. Gumby: Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR!
[he bangs on a bell violently, eventually smashing it, as well as the desk and everything on it]
Dr. Gumby: [enter Dr. Gumby] Hello!
T.F. Gumby: Are you the brain specialist?
Dr. Gumby: [thinks for a moment] Hello!
T.F. Gumby: Are you the brain specialist?
Dr. Gumby: No. No, I am not the brain specialist. No I am not. Yes! Yes I am!
T.F. Gumby: My brain hurts!
Dr. Gumby: Well, let's take a look at it, Mr. Gumby.
[begins to lift Gumby's sweater]
T.F. Gumby: No, no, no, my brain in my head.
Dr. Gumby: [thumps him on the head] It will have to come out.
T.F. Gumby: What? Out of my head?
Dr. Gumby: Yes. All the bits of it.
Interviewer: Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr Pudifoot?
Mr. Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?
Mr. Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have had very little of the discursive quality about them.
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More Monty Python quotes:
Monty Python
Life of Brian
Holy Grail
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