You Knew

I was a kid.
How could you do that?
Cold, dark memories.
Cold, dark hands.
They wrap around my body.
Years and years of pain.
I held my tounge.
I remember where it happened.
Those cold dark places no one ever sees.
Where no one could hear me.
No one knew what you did.
But I knew.
You Knew.
I thought you would stop in time.
Six years old.
Seven years old.
Ten years old.
Fourteen years old.
Fifteen years old.
It never stops.

You pushed me to the edge.
I ended up in the hospital.
It was my fault.
I did that to myself.
But you pushed me there.

I know this all sounds dumb
To be in a situation I can fix.
But I wont.
Because I am embarassed that all of this happened.

It's our families' annual drive to look at Christmas lights in 2007.
Small car.
Too many people.
I'm forced to sit on your lap.
I shiver.
'Are you okay?' they asked.
Your nails dig into my thigh telling me what to say.
'I'm just cold.'
But I'm not.
I am burning on the inside.
Ready to scream.
But I can't.
My heart raced.
Scared to be that close to you.
Your aunt says it's cramped and suggests we sit in the trunk.
We have to.
It got worse.
Your sweaty hands groped at my pants.
I dig my nails into your hands in the hopes you will lave me alone.
I push.
I shove.
My throat gets dry.
I can't say a thing.
It got worse.

Eventualy the parents found out.
They did nothing.
You promised to stop.
I wonder why they didn't punish you.
Is it because I'm 6 months older?
Does that make it okay?
You've always been bigger then me.
You tower seven inches over my weak body.

It ended.
You never apologized.
Things went back to normal.
But you stopped.
No apology.
No nothing.
But the memories still haunt my life.

by dietpepsi
posted on 06/19/2009