Wish

***WARNING, THIS POEM CONTAINS PROFANITY, AND VIOLENT IMAGES.***




Wish



I roll around in bed. This skin of mine is still itching. Maybe I should roll around more. It’s not working.

I wish…

"Alan, come to the garage."

Of course I will.

"Don’t ever let me go."

I wont baby I swear.

"Show me that you love me."

I’d die for you.

I wish…

"Now show me that you love me; and that your love is true."

I walk to the garage and the salty liquid pours into my eyes.
This is slowing me down and I need to hurry… time is precious.
Why do I lose track of something so important?

I wish…

"Now burn the glass and turn it slow."

Don’t ever let me go.

"I’d die for you."

I blow out the smoke and it’s not working.

Show me that you love me.

"I’ll die for you."

Now show me that you love me; and that your love is true.

"My love is a gift, given over time.
Hold out your hand and place it into mine."

I wish I didn’t have to live this way…

"Now…

Travel through space; close your eyes...know that I love you and I’ll never leave your side.
Dream about me; sleep for days…and we can be pirates sailing through the waves.
Walk on water, then turn it into wine…we can meet god in a city that always shines."

I’ll die for you…

Now show me that you love me and that your love is true.

No answer, she won’t talk to me and life sucks.
I can’t look in the mirror, god I’m lonely…my whole body hurts.
It feels like someone is pulling barbwire out from the center of my bones.
I’m so cold that my skin hurts. God I want to die, but my body won’t let me.
Fucking instincts that preserve life…damn you.

Fuck you bitch! Claw through my eyes!

Some promise-maker you are. I loved
you! And you’re going to sit there while I’m dying?

I’ll fucking kill you!

"Love is war; and war is part of life. Found and then lost in the blink of an eye."

"Now show me that you love me and that your love is true."

Where the fuck are you? I’m covered in sores.
"Around the corner, and behind every door."

"You’ll die without me; and no one loves you."

I found you, wanted you all for myself. I fell to your grip and I begged God for help.

"Hand in mine, don’t let me pass you by.
I’ll give you pleasure, and darkness that never dies."

"You can turn your back with your head held high.
But you’ll remember me; until the day you die."

Do you remember it baby? Because I remember it well.
And when I looked into your eyes, I was stuck in your spell.

I remember the pleasure…and the unbearable blues.
Life is a gift. One more day without you…





*AFTER THOUGHTS*

this is a story about my life, and my battles against narcotics.
i started this piece when i was going through a particularly nasty 6 month methadone detox.
pulling methadone out of my body is the most horrific thing i have ever done.
for years i was floating on a cloud unaware of anything else except my drug.
my drug was my lover. my "lover" was created to make my story more interesting, but she is in fact 'real.'
the only thing i ever loved was my narcotics.
i only hinted at the use of drugs. "burn the glass and turn it slow." and "i blow out the smoke and it's not working." only hinted at what i was really doing.
if you notice the repetition of "show me that you love me" and "i'd die for you" it stands out so loudly, it is hard to ignore the bond.
in addition, those quotes were used by my lover at first, then by me.
to show that we were one and the same.
the violence and cursing were necessary to show how harsh and ugly the detox really was.
the words, and insanity presented does no justice to the actual event.
it can only be fully understood by someone as selfish, and dishonest as i was.
Also, there were references to heaven and hell in my story. "...we can meet God in a city that always shines." and sharply contrasting: "and darkness that never dies."
ironically, my alter-ego, presented both of them in my work. she made the broken-promise about paradise, and the very real threat never ending darkness.
the end is clear. in fact it is crystal clear. me and my lover part ways, but i still dream about 'her.' all the time.

by o2
posted on 03/30/2008