Things I Never Told You

I pretend to tell you everything,
Even if it takes a while to get it out.
But there are things I hold inside me,
That I am not too keen on letting out.

I don't know how much longer we will last
in this relationship of ours.
And it's not that we don’t love each other;
It's these fights that I always start.

But I really don't want to lose you,
especially after last night.
And as I already told you,
everything came straight from the heart.

I'm writing this to let it out;
The secrets locked up in my SOUL.
While all the while I’m wondering
if I can even bother to share.

But here goes,
I can postpone no longer.
Because I think it's finally time I let this free.
And you can be the first to hear.

I've told you how they hurt me
in more ways than one.
But I never told anyone that
for the most damage, I was the one.

I learned from what they did;
From each kick, punch, and choke.
And now I'm afraid I've become
my own worst tormentor.

when someone hurts you they can judge
how much things hurt by your reaction.
But only the victim can know it perfectly
and use that to make every blow count.

Have I mentioned the "random" bruises?
That I say I have no idea where they come from?
Well it was all a lie, I knew exactly;
They came directly from me.

Sometimes when I'm sure you won’t call;
So I have plenty of time on my hands.
I will lie in bed and choke myself
and not stop until I'm inches from dead.

I like the feeling of being passed out
because I am no longer thinking at all.
I like feeling disoriented after;
Not knowing what's going around the time of the fall.

This is something I've been doing for years
and you’re the first I'll ever have told.
I don't know if that means anything to you
but it sure does to me.

Remember when I asked you that night,
"Who did you love more? Me or her?"
I had told you that my choice was Kyle
and you told me I was equal to her.

Last night I'm sure you caught on
that you were now his parallel.
Well since then I've had time to think
and I'm still unsure of what's true.

But I'm telling you what I never told him;
Something I've never ever done before.
Do you think that means what I think?
Have you surpassed him in coveting my soul?

Yet half of me still wants you gone
because she is back in your life.
And it’s not that I think you don't love me;
Or that you would cheat, lie, or anything else.

But that you wouldn't give her up.
Even if that was the only way to keep me at all.
I'd say it shows you lied before,
but I know that's not it either.

But I want this pain to go away;
That’s eating everything up inside of me.
I've decided on the things that would grant that.
But it’s useless to ask for a guarantee.

The promise you refused to make,
About never ever leaving me for her,
is the bare minimum of what I could ask.
It's almost pointless to go on.

The second is if I lived nearer to you
because then I'd feel a bit more secure.
But that’s not happening for two more years.
And I doubt we could make it that long.

The final way is a stupid question
that I already know the answer to.
But I'd feel safe, and know you were mine,
if only you would say, "I want to marry you."

With all the love I have to give,
Lillian Leiko-Amaya Deorio-Saunders

by gothic666angel6
posted on 09/15/2007