still me, still broken.

i got into a fight this morning,
and the monday before that.
and i looked at myself and wondered,
is that really me?
am i the one doing this?
and everytime i try to explain to people why this is happening,
they dont even fucking get it!
just like everything else in the world that i do.
im always wrong.
thats what everyone tells me.
am i really going out of my mind?
i feel like just the other day i was in control,
and i had everything i wanted.
and then all of the sudden,
BOOM. that feeling was gone.
and the sadness and anger came back.
im like a fucking psycho,
or so it seems.
one day i am just going to burst.
someone is going to say one single thing to me,
and im just going to go crazy.
you see,
im bi-polar,
and when i get really pissed off,
i dont even remember half the shit im doing,
and then i go back and look at what i have just done,
and i cant even believe that it was me doing it.
i used to be this nice, sweet innocent girl!
honest!
and then one day,
everything changed.
nothing was ever going to be the same ever again.
and i turned into this...thing.
this thing that seems like a monster.
i started getting depressed.
then i started getting angry, all the time.
and then, some days i couldnt relax.
some days were fine!
some days i didnt even reconize the person i saw in the mirror.
i moved from house to house,
family member to family member.
i started out living with my mom dad and sister.
and then my sister was put into adoption.
and i didnt meet her again for 10 years!
but thats later down the timeline.
then from there,
we moved into a fairly nice trailer.
and i thought i was going to be okay.
and then my parent started fighting...
to the point where i had to go to someone elses house to sleep for the night!
and then my mom left in the middle of the night one night.
and i woke up and it was just me and daddy.
and i lived with just him for about a month or 2.
and then i had to go live with my grandma.
i lived there for about 2 years.
and then for some reason,
i came home from school one day,
and she had said that she couldnt handle me anymore...
and she told me that i had to go live with my dad, and his new wife.
who has 2 boys...
and hate me.
i lived there for about 2 years,
and it was the most devistating thing,
that has ever happend to me.
it changed me.
i was so depressed.
at my new school,
i had no friends,
because my brother had turned everyone against me.
and at home,
i was always outside until dark,
because i didnt want to be at home.
my step mom,
was so mean to me.
she beat me when my dad wasnt home.
told me i was worthless.
and then when my dad would come home,
she would tell him so many lies,
saying taht i called her a bitch,
and cussed her out.
and hit her,
kicked her.
what kind of life is that for a 9 year old kid?
so then one day my dad wasnt home,
and i had had it with her.
i packed a bag,
and ran away.
i walked for lord knos how many miles,
to my grandma's house.
and lived there again.
for about a year.
and then from THERE,
no im not done yet!
i went to live with my aunt penni and uncle nolan.
big mistake.
i loved my cousin and i loved living there.
but my uncle was an alcoholic.
and would just fucking scream at me all the time.
once again,
everything was my fault.
all over again.
i was going through another nightmare.
so one day,
after about a year living there,
i called my mom,
and i asked if i could live with her.
and thank god, she said yes.
she has been the best mom i could ever ask for.
she never tells me im worthless.
she tells me that everythings going to be alright.
but im still living in my past, somehow.
for some reason,
i cant let it go.
im still me.
and im still broken.
and i dont kno how to fix it anymore....

by beautifulxhjfxdisaster
posted on 03/14/2008