Poetry and Quotations

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Short Funny Quotes

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Garry Shandling

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy Carter

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Dennis Miller

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Mark Twain

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