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Funny Quotes From Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men is one of the top television shows each year. The humor is generally based on sexuality, alcoholism, and hatred for one of the lead character's mother. In my personal opinion, it gets a little bit stale when watching it every week, but it is seen as one of the better comedies on TV. I can't argue with ratings!

Below are some great funny quotes from the TV series Two and a Half Men.

Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Charlie
Getting hurt is like boys' jobs. Last summer Jake actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub.
Alan
Back off, Mary Poppins.
Sean Penn
Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
Charlie
I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
Charlie
Does your penis have an off switch?
Alan, to Charlie
People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.
Charlie
Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.
Charlie
Alan: He's just a normal 11-year-old boy who happens to be grumpy.
Judith: And I'm just a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by patience I mean Prozac.
Alan: Wait a minute, you can't still be 35.
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