Poetry and Quotations

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Two and a Half Men Quotes

Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Charlie

Getting hurt is like boys' jobs. Last summer Jake actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub.
Alan

Back off, Mary Poppins.
Sean Penn

Bought some hamburgers, Bought the hats; ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
Charlie

I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane.
Charlie

Does your penis have an off switch?
Alan, to Charlie

People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.
Charlie

Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.
Charlie

Alan: He's just a normal 11-year-old boy who happens to be grumpy.
Judith: And I'm just a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by patience I mean Prozac.
Alan: Wait a minute, you can't still be 35.

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More TV show quotes

Absolutely Fabulous
Everybody Loves Raymond
M*A*S*H
Mad TV
My Name is Earl
Seinfeld
Sex and the City
Will and Grace