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Funny Quotes From Spaceballs

Spaceballs is a fantastic movie. John Candy is simply awesome in it. Barf! There are so many great memorable scenes it is hard to talk about them all. So instead, here are some funny quotes from the film.

[first title card]
Title Card: Once upon a time warp...
Title Card: In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. - Chapter Eleven - The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from theyr peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. - Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... - If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
Bearded Lady: I'm the Bearded Lady. Who are you, one of the freaks?
[Bearded Lady chest bumps Dark Helmet, gets in his escape rod and closes the door]
Dark Helmet: Get out of my escape pod you bearded bitch!
Charlene, Marlene: Hello, President Skroob.
President Skroob: [to Marlene] Hello, Charlene.
Marlene: I'm Marlene.
President Skroob: [to Charlene] Hello, Marlene.
Charlene: I'm Charlene.
President Skroob: Chew your gum.
President Skroob: [enters after the interrogation of King Roland] Well? Did it work? Where's the king?
Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Dark Helmet: 1 2 3 4 5.
President Skroob: 1 2 3 4 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Dark Helmet: Yes, sir!
President Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!
Lone Starr: Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!
Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise!
Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful!
Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent!
Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.
Barf: [reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa] HOLY SHIT!
Princess Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad... for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!
Dark Helmet: We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
[to two white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: Found anything yet?
Henchmen: Nothing sir!
[to two more white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: How bout you?
Henchmen: Not a thing sir!
[to two black henchmen with a giant pick]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Henchmen: Man, we ain't found shit!
Dark Helmet: [breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style] I can't breathe in this thing!
Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!
Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it.
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More Mel Brooks Movie Quotes:
Blazing Saddles
History of the World: Part I
Men in Tights
Young Frankenstein