Poetry and Quotations

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Funny Religious Quotes

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Mark Twain

I would have made a good Pope.
Richard Nixon

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
Linda Evangelista

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Alan Bennett

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rita Rudner

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Brendan Behan

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen