Poetry and Quotations

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History of the World: Part I Quotes

Comicus: The Christians are so poor...
Swiftus: How poor are they?
Comicus: Thank you. They are so poor... That they only have one God.
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.

Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
[drops one of the tablets]
Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

Josephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] Say when.
Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] 8:30.

Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your majesty, I was raised in a convent. I do not indulge in the pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI: What do you mean you don't do it? Of course you do it. We all do it. We love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again. Don't tell you don't do it.

Judas: No. No. Leave us alone!
Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!
Jesus: Yes.
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: Yes.
Comicus: Jesus!
Jesus: Yes.
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: You said what.
Jesus: Yes.
Comicus: Nothing.

Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic.

Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!

Oedipus: [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey Josephus!
Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!

Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, I may not have lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king.
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Executioner: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Jacques: None.
Executioner: Have you any last request?
Jacques: None.
Executioner: Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request, I have a last request!
Executioner: What is your last request?
Jacques: Uh, novocaine.
[the executioners confer]
Executioner: There's no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques: I'll wait!

Auctioneer: Where are you from?
Josephus: Ethiopia
Auctioneer: What part?
Josephus: 125th Street.

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More Mel Brooks Movie Quotes

Blazing Saddles
Men in Tights
Spaceballs
Young Frankenstein